This went on longer than I expected.
So I told my boyfriend that I don't care about him today. And he took it far too well. I mean he got pissed, started throwing names and swear words at me, which is still pretty weak compared to what I was expecting.
He thinks, actually believes, I only said it as an escape route, an excuse so I don't have to try and that I do care and I do love him.
I don't know.
I don't know how I feel.
Ok, so I worked out a few weeks ago, while doing one of those proper personality tests (I got ISFJ), that I have no empathy. I figured it out, I feel nothing when people are hitting road bumps. Like I get it, something bad happened. Your dad yelled at you, you got a shit mark, you got fired, you lost a relative. And to some extent I care, I'm not completely heartless. It sucks, life sucks right now for you. but I don't FEEL anything, like nothing to actually help/make me feel bad.
You know when you really, truly care about something/someone, there's this physical feeling, like a cloud or pocket of something in your chest, or something. Just this bundle of emotion making you want to scream out YES THIS MEANS SOMETHING TO ME! I don't get that. Like ever. I have no physical feeling in emotion. In fact the only time I genuinely feel anything, is when I cry. And even then, it's not that much, just enough for me to register I'm actually sad about something.
It makes me feel broken. I'm a broken human being. I'm so unintentionally apathetic towards everything.
And I tried to care, I tried to be nice, I tried to be happy. But I'm just can't. And people tell me to just be myself and I can't because that's not what they mean. They mean, just be chilled and smiley. Me being myself is not that. So what am I supposed to be?
When I'm myself and neutral and normal, I appear sad.
When I'm sad, I appear negative and overly emotional and exaggerating.
When I'm happy, I'm either not enough and seem sad, or I'm too much and I'm trying too hard. Which is when I get told to chill and that makes me really annoyed.
If I don't talk, I'm probably trying to quash my frsutrating at whatever otherwise I will snap.
I have very little room on my rage gauge between placid and full blown-out anger.
Anyways, so I told him I don't care, in the goddamn hope he'd get the message that I'm broken and I can't change no matter what I do. I don't know what to say/do to make him happy, I don't know how to console him, I don't know what to do to show I care. I so freaked out all the time that I'm just gonna mess up again, like I'll bus round to his and surprise him and actually just interrupt him while he's studying (and that shit will come back to get me, it will get brought up as a very negative point) or I'll buy him something and he won't like it, or like that time I baked him cookies and he said he liked them and then later admitted he really doesn't like the chocolate buttons I put in the them. Which just makes me feel like I failed and that I should never bake again because I'm just not good enough. And that leads me to another reason I am totally busted and need to go to the scrap heap: I have no confidence, I'm very all or nothing. The smallest mistake and the whole world will collapse, and this I have also been working really hard on trying to fix, to find that middle ground and people make mistakes and it's no biggie, but goddamnit it's a big biggie. I didn't remember he didn't like those chocolate buttons. I should have known. I should have remembered that. I should remember what his favourite food is, I should know when his lectures are, what video game is next on his list...
And I keep messing up. By not remembering. By not making him smile. By not helping him with his study or being a bit late or not trying that food. And he won't tell me at the time. But after a while I'll do something and he'll go quiet and then it all comes out, and I just want to hide, crawl behind a dumpster something and hope that...I dunno, something. Hope that my brain clicks into gear, hope that one day I woke up and I get it, just get how to be a normal person who can interact with others.
How can I be in a solid relationship when I'm like this? He's pretty much my parent, looking after me, making sure I eat right, checking I'm happy and nothing's wrong. He's not my boyfriend, he's my parent. And I can't stop. I figured that most decent thing I could do as a human would be to let him go, let him find someone who can give him what he needs because I can't. I don't make him happy like he needs.
But the goddamn man told me it was ok. No. He doesn't get it. And he won't let me explain. It is NOT ok. I'm trying to help him and he thinks I'm trying to find an easy way out. I can barely feed myself, I'm that twisted in the head that I'm likely to eat toast for the rest of my life. And he thinks I'm a legit half of a relationship? He loves me, too much. I'm been so lucky to have him and it's ruined his life and he doesn't get it. I'm trying to save him from a lifetime of unhappiness and stress and pain because that's all I've managed to bring him the last almost 4 years. But he doesn't give up and at first it was wonderful, this belief we can work but now it's stupidity. And it's taking everything I have to not ring him back and say 'ok, ok, we'll refresh and I'll try harder and we'll be better' because no matter what I do, I could be perfect, but I KNOW that in a fotnight's time, we'll be back here and what kind of life is that. Us trying to make it inbetween argument after argument, him giving up and forgetting it, me unable to fix it in the first place.
He thinks, actually believes, I only said it as an escape route, an excuse so I don't have to try and that I do care and I do love him.
I don't know.
I don't know how I feel.
Ok, so I worked out a few weeks ago, while doing one of those proper personality tests (I got ISFJ), that I have no empathy. I figured it out, I feel nothing when people are hitting road bumps. Like I get it, something bad happened. Your dad yelled at you, you got a shit mark, you got fired, you lost a relative. And to some extent I care, I'm not completely heartless. It sucks, life sucks right now for you. but I don't FEEL anything, like nothing to actually help/make me feel bad.
You know when you really, truly care about something/someone, there's this physical feeling, like a cloud or pocket of something in your chest, or something. Just this bundle of emotion making you want to scream out YES THIS MEANS SOMETHING TO ME! I don't get that. Like ever. I have no physical feeling in emotion. In fact the only time I genuinely feel anything, is when I cry. And even then, it's not that much, just enough for me to register I'm actually sad about something.
It makes me feel broken. I'm a broken human being. I'm so unintentionally apathetic towards everything.
And I tried to care, I tried to be nice, I tried to be happy. But I'm just can't. And people tell me to just be myself and I can't because that's not what they mean. They mean, just be chilled and smiley. Me being myself is not that. So what am I supposed to be?
When I'm myself and neutral and normal, I appear sad.
When I'm sad, I appear negative and overly emotional and exaggerating.
When I'm happy, I'm either not enough and seem sad, or I'm too much and I'm trying too hard. Which is when I get told to chill and that makes me really annoyed.
If I don't talk, I'm probably trying to quash my frsutrating at whatever otherwise I will snap.
I have very little room on my rage gauge between placid and full blown-out anger.
Anyways, so I told him I don't care, in the goddamn hope he'd get the message that I'm broken and I can't change no matter what I do. I don't know what to say/do to make him happy, I don't know how to console him, I don't know what to do to show I care. I so freaked out all the time that I'm just gonna mess up again, like I'll bus round to his and surprise him and actually just interrupt him while he's studying (and that shit will come back to get me, it will get brought up as a very negative point) or I'll buy him something and he won't like it, or like that time I baked him cookies and he said he liked them and then later admitted he really doesn't like the chocolate buttons I put in the them. Which just makes me feel like I failed and that I should never bake again because I'm just not good enough. And that leads me to another reason I am totally busted and need to go to the scrap heap: I have no confidence, I'm very all or nothing. The smallest mistake and the whole world will collapse, and this I have also been working really hard on trying to fix, to find that middle ground and people make mistakes and it's no biggie, but goddamnit it's a big biggie. I didn't remember he didn't like those chocolate buttons. I should have known. I should have remembered that. I should remember what his favourite food is, I should know when his lectures are, what video game is next on his list...
And I keep messing up. By not remembering. By not making him smile. By not helping him with his study or being a bit late or not trying that food. And he won't tell me at the time. But after a while I'll do something and he'll go quiet and then it all comes out, and I just want to hide, crawl behind a dumpster something and hope that...I dunno, something. Hope that my brain clicks into gear, hope that one day I woke up and I get it, just get how to be a normal person who can interact with others.
How can I be in a solid relationship when I'm like this? He's pretty much my parent, looking after me, making sure I eat right, checking I'm happy and nothing's wrong. He's not my boyfriend, he's my parent. And I can't stop. I figured that most decent thing I could do as a human would be to let him go, let him find someone who can give him what he needs because I can't. I don't make him happy like he needs.
But the goddamn man told me it was ok. No. He doesn't get it. And he won't let me explain. It is NOT ok. I'm trying to help him and he thinks I'm trying to find an easy way out. I can barely feed myself, I'm that twisted in the head that I'm likely to eat toast for the rest of my life. And he thinks I'm a legit half of a relationship? He loves me, too much. I'm been so lucky to have him and it's ruined his life and he doesn't get it. I'm trying to save him from a lifetime of unhappiness and stress and pain because that's all I've managed to bring him the last almost 4 years. But he doesn't give up and at first it was wonderful, this belief we can work but now it's stupidity. And it's taking everything I have to not ring him back and say 'ok, ok, we'll refresh and I'll try harder and we'll be better' because no matter what I do, I could be perfect, but I KNOW that in a fotnight's time, we'll be back here and what kind of life is that. Us trying to make it inbetween argument after argument, him giving up and forgetting it, me unable to fix it in the first place.