Regret
Everyone has regrets in their life. No-one is perfect. I regret a lot. Some of it I truly wish I could change, others I've learned to let go.
*I never spoke at my uncle's funeral. Granted I was only seven, but I asked to write something to say, asked to say it. I have a memory of writing it, something about looking after my cat in heaven. I also remember the funeral, I remember not being able to string two words together I was so upset and so my granddad read it instead. This I feel especially awful about as it was my granddad's son who had just died. Like he really needed any extra responsibility that day.
* I regret not doing my third year of course this year. I couldn't afford it at all. My parents moved back to the UK, I had to go flatting meaning I had to work to afford it and the course is such a commitment that any free time would never have been enough time to earn the money I need to live. I'm finally getting a mannequin which will make me feel so much better but I still hate seeing the facebook posts from the people who are doing the course. I feel jealous of them, that they are able to do it, as though somehow they deserve it more than I do, I mean what have I done to this universe that has meant I'm not allowed to do this course that means a lot to me? I'm also disappointed in myself, as though I should have put in the effort previously to make sure that I could do the course. Worked more, saved more, done something to guarantee my spot instead of having to decide between what I have to do and what I want to do.
*I regret not getting my driver's license sooner. I cannot imagine how much easier my life would be with a car. I certainly know I could pull my weight more in my relationship. Without the element of surprise pulling up in my car and saying 'pack this. we're going out' has, I have to be more creative to achieve romance and spontaneity and I am not that clever. I would have more personal freedom as well. To be able to just nip down to the supermarket and pick up what I need for tea, instead of having to do everything in lunch breaks at work would be nice. Especially when I have to bus and/or when it's any season but summer. Having a car would also make me feel more ownership towards the garage. I live with my best friend (who doesn't drive) and a couple (who do) and they have a car each. One of these cars is broken. And apparently super precious and heaven forbid anything ever happen to it ever to the point where it's on the opposite side of the garage to the door into the house so that no-one can accidently open the door too far and knock it. These two cars take up 85-90% of the garage space leaving 10-15% for my stuff (my best friend doesn't have a lot of things and so they fit in her room). I have sewing gear that I have to store in the dining room because there isn't any room. Anyway, the point was I wish I had my license/car.
*I somewhat regret getting the flatmates in that I did. My best mate does nothing around the house unless I act like a mother and ask her or leave a goddamn note. The couple are getting more and more on my nerves every day. He passes gas both ends and when he burps it's full on to point of almost being sick and it's bloody disgusting. They both smoke and, despite the fact it is a non-smoking flat and despite the fact I've said I'm ok with it as long as you keep it outside, they don't hang around outside so they pretty much drag all of it back in with them immediately which stinks the place out and makes me want to throw up. They whinge about my best mate and how she does nothing more than I do and she's my friend. They make me feel uncomfortable to hang around in the same room as them. They make me feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend stays. They go on and on about how the flat has to be tidy and you have to take responsibility and they leave a whole heap of their crap lying around. They also eat FAR more than they should do, it's actually disgusting. Granted I don't eat big meals: a 6 nugget combo at McD's will do me fine, so by comparison a lot of meals are big to me. But these guys have like 3 or 4 courses. And big courses. And they talk about being healthy and things and the look of some of their meals look like pure fat on a plate with a fork. So I have very little patience with them now.
*I sometimes regret not going back to the UK with my family, but mainly because I am so super close with my family suddenly being away from them and so far away from them feels awful. I've always had them. I've lived in 3 different cities in the UK, 5 different houses. Then we moved to NZ and throughout all of that, plus all the other family things (death, divorce etc) my family have ALWAYS been there. I've always had mum or dad or my younger sister or my little brother there to talk to you or hang out with or whatever and suddenly being on opposites sides of the world is really hard on me emotionally. There are days where I just don't feel like I'm coping: I work two part-time jobs as well of pretty much running this flat (I take care of rent, power, internet. I brought most furniture with me. I'm the only one with a full set of keys. I'm the go-to person with the real estate agent (who deals with the landlord). I bought the freeview box (digital TV decoder). I'm the flipping go-to person between my best mate and the couple). I don't eat well or exercise which doesn't help but then on top of that if anything goes funny in my relationship I have to deal with. SO that with the emotional stress of not having my family is so difficult for me and I feel like some people in my life don't understand how much of an ongoing thing it is. It's like it was hard when they moved away and for a little bit after that but then I got over it. I don't get over it. I know they're not dead so it's not as dire as that but it's still hard for me. My mate goes home on the weekend when she's not working to see her mum and sisters which is awesome; I'm glad she's making the effort. But she told me about how she went home and work called her in the next day so she "only got 3 hours with her family". The family she sees every week, who live less than half an hour drive away. She said this to me, that quote, which I smiled and nodded at the time and played Sympathy Emily. But I got pissed off because she made it sound like the end of the flipping world. The guy who lives here, his family live in Australia and he sees them every few years for less than a day. My family live in the UK. I've been fortunate because Dad has been here on business a few times for a week to close things up with his position at his old work. But now it's all closed he's not likely to come across much anymore, and because it's cheaper for 1 adult to fly across than 4 to fly here, I will then only get to see them when I can afford to go, which I can tell you is real motivation to work. My mate talks about how she doesn't want to miss her little sister growing up. I am missing my siblings growing up right now. I have missed all of my brothers football games for the last year. I'm not getting to congratulate them on doing well at school except for waving and saying well done over Skype. When my family left at the airport, I didn't let go of my brother until the very last moment I could and I bawled my eyes out. I'm crying now just typing it.
Well that turned into a massive long rant about how much I miss my family. I tell you what though, it feels good to get it out and down on 'paper'. I actually feel a lot better now :)
*I never spoke at my uncle's funeral. Granted I was only seven, but I asked to write something to say, asked to say it. I have a memory of writing it, something about looking after my cat in heaven. I also remember the funeral, I remember not being able to string two words together I was so upset and so my granddad read it instead. This I feel especially awful about as it was my granddad's son who had just died. Like he really needed any extra responsibility that day.
* I regret not doing my third year of course this year. I couldn't afford it at all. My parents moved back to the UK, I had to go flatting meaning I had to work to afford it and the course is such a commitment that any free time would never have been enough time to earn the money I need to live. I'm finally getting a mannequin which will make me feel so much better but I still hate seeing the facebook posts from the people who are doing the course. I feel jealous of them, that they are able to do it, as though somehow they deserve it more than I do, I mean what have I done to this universe that has meant I'm not allowed to do this course that means a lot to me? I'm also disappointed in myself, as though I should have put in the effort previously to make sure that I could do the course. Worked more, saved more, done something to guarantee my spot instead of having to decide between what I have to do and what I want to do.
*I regret not getting my driver's license sooner. I cannot imagine how much easier my life would be with a car. I certainly know I could pull my weight more in my relationship. Without the element of surprise pulling up in my car and saying 'pack this. we're going out' has, I have to be more creative to achieve romance and spontaneity and I am not that clever. I would have more personal freedom as well. To be able to just nip down to the supermarket and pick up what I need for tea, instead of having to do everything in lunch breaks at work would be nice. Especially when I have to bus and/or when it's any season but summer. Having a car would also make me feel more ownership towards the garage. I live with my best friend (who doesn't drive) and a couple (who do) and they have a car each. One of these cars is broken. And apparently super precious and heaven forbid anything ever happen to it ever to the point where it's on the opposite side of the garage to the door into the house so that no-one can accidently open the door too far and knock it. These two cars take up 85-90% of the garage space leaving 10-15% for my stuff (my best friend doesn't have a lot of things and so they fit in her room). I have sewing gear that I have to store in the dining room because there isn't any room. Anyway, the point was I wish I had my license/car.
*I somewhat regret getting the flatmates in that I did. My best mate does nothing around the house unless I act like a mother and ask her or leave a goddamn note. The couple are getting more and more on my nerves every day. He passes gas both ends and when he burps it's full on to point of almost being sick and it's bloody disgusting. They both smoke and, despite the fact it is a non-smoking flat and despite the fact I've said I'm ok with it as long as you keep it outside, they don't hang around outside so they pretty much drag all of it back in with them immediately which stinks the place out and makes me want to throw up. They whinge about my best mate and how she does nothing more than I do and she's my friend. They make me feel uncomfortable to hang around in the same room as them. They make me feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend stays. They go on and on about how the flat has to be tidy and you have to take responsibility and they leave a whole heap of their crap lying around. They also eat FAR more than they should do, it's actually disgusting. Granted I don't eat big meals: a 6 nugget combo at McD's will do me fine, so by comparison a lot of meals are big to me. But these guys have like 3 or 4 courses. And big courses. And they talk about being healthy and things and the look of some of their meals look like pure fat on a plate with a fork. So I have very little patience with them now.
*I sometimes regret not going back to the UK with my family, but mainly because I am so super close with my family suddenly being away from them and so far away from them feels awful. I've always had them. I've lived in 3 different cities in the UK, 5 different houses. Then we moved to NZ and throughout all of that, plus all the other family things (death, divorce etc) my family have ALWAYS been there. I've always had mum or dad or my younger sister or my little brother there to talk to you or hang out with or whatever and suddenly being on opposites sides of the world is really hard on me emotionally. There are days where I just don't feel like I'm coping: I work two part-time jobs as well of pretty much running this flat (I take care of rent, power, internet. I brought most furniture with me. I'm the only one with a full set of keys. I'm the go-to person with the real estate agent (who deals with the landlord). I bought the freeview box (digital TV decoder). I'm the flipping go-to person between my best mate and the couple). I don't eat well or exercise which doesn't help but then on top of that if anything goes funny in my relationship I have to deal with. SO that with the emotional stress of not having my family is so difficult for me and I feel like some people in my life don't understand how much of an ongoing thing it is. It's like it was hard when they moved away and for a little bit after that but then I got over it. I don't get over it. I know they're not dead so it's not as dire as that but it's still hard for me. My mate goes home on the weekend when she's not working to see her mum and sisters which is awesome; I'm glad she's making the effort. But she told me about how she went home and work called her in the next day so she "only got 3 hours with her family". The family she sees every week, who live less than half an hour drive away. She said this to me, that quote, which I smiled and nodded at the time and played Sympathy Emily. But I got pissed off because she made it sound like the end of the flipping world. The guy who lives here, his family live in Australia and he sees them every few years for less than a day. My family live in the UK. I've been fortunate because Dad has been here on business a few times for a week to close things up with his position at his old work. But now it's all closed he's not likely to come across much anymore, and because it's cheaper for 1 adult to fly across than 4 to fly here, I will then only get to see them when I can afford to go, which I can tell you is real motivation to work. My mate talks about how she doesn't want to miss her little sister growing up. I am missing my siblings growing up right now. I have missed all of my brothers football games for the last year. I'm not getting to congratulate them on doing well at school except for waving and saying well done over Skype. When my family left at the airport, I didn't let go of my brother until the very last moment I could and I bawled my eyes out. I'm crying now just typing it.
Well that turned into a massive long rant about how much I miss my family. I tell you what though, it feels good to get it out and down on 'paper'. I actually feel a lot better now :)