Weird Mood
Lately I've been in a very strange mood, for me, that is. From September - December I was really depressed and understandably so as things kept going wrong. There was Curtis, I got fired, my parents continuously fought, I fell way behind in college, I broke up friendships with Emily, Chelsea left for China, etc. Lately I've been in a not good mood but not necessarily bad either. I mean yeah I do get in my moods, but generally, I'm okay. I haven't cut since New Years Day and any major urges I've had I have managed to get though. And things haven't been that great either. Kwantlen's on strike today which is messing up all my classes, I still haven't heard about my faculty change from UVic, my parents are still fighting and bitching at each other daily, my old friends from church rarely talk to me anymore, and I still have virtually no close friends. Me and Em are talking again though which is wonderful, and I've still got Kale who is very sweet (he bought me a stuffed monkey on the weekend, awwness!). Maybe it's the fact that I've got the whole UVic idea in my head and that I am determined to get in and get the hell out of here. Maybe it's Juliette keeping me sane. Maybe it's my Wellbutrin SR. Maybe it's that I actually have plans for the future now, for UVic, for seeing Sara, for becoming a youth worker, for meeting new people and experiencing campus life, and for being able to for the first time in my life get the hell out of Delta/Vancouver!!! If I work my butt off at Kwantlen this semester, I'm pretty sure to get in. If I don't, I will be so upset, yes I've applied to other colleges/universites for next year, but UVic right now is my dream. I'm wondering how long this okay feeling will last, and when I'm going to crash back down into the self-destructive, depressive, lonely lifestyle I usually lead. Even last night I tried going out with some people and was totally ignored, it pissed me off, but more so I realized that I would've been a lot happier staying at home by myself on my computer. Oh and better yet they started talking about Calgary, which was really disrespectful considering what happened between us with that. Oh well, fuck it. I'm right now at a point where I just don't care what anyone else does or how much they ignore me. I'm just too focused on getting away from this hell and all these horrible memories. Even this song I'm playing, reminds me of Curtis and Melanie.
I NEED OUT.