Blech: a St Pattys day disaster...
Expirencing one of the most craziest and insane weekends of your life in another town is a scary feeling. Panic takes over, fear seeps into your skin, and danger is all around. I think i've learned 2 good lessons: one, always being aware of your surroundings, and being able to take control of situations, and another one is to take risks. Even though sometimes you're advised not to, sometimes it ends up being one of the best decisions that you've ever really made. But the aftermath is much worse; your heart feels empty, life is sucked out of you, and you end up missing someone so much that it physically hurts you inside. Another great thing out of this whole situation was that i got to bond with a friend who i don't really see that often, and to be able to take care of someone and to be there for them has to be one of the greatest feelings in the world. To love and be loved. To appreciate and be appreciated.
The weekend started off to be amazing, i remember being on the train, feeling so free, free from everyone just for those two hours where i can sit somewhere, be a complete stranger and actually reflect on my own thoughts without worrying about anyone or anything. I arrive at the station, so tired, yet so happy to the joy of seeing Lee-Ann's face. We scurry to the bus stop, catch the bus and arrive at her place. We finally get there, get ready, drink some cooluh's and head off to their friends house to wait for the big party bus, hah. One of the best parts of the night was being at this girls place, and just spending time with Lee-Ann, just catching up and having a great time. The bus finally arrived, and as we were loading on, 100 other college kids started cramming on the bus too. I remember this chick saying how it was like the titanic haha, oh man. As we were on the bus, it was insane! 4 people to a seat, everyone cheering smacking on the windows and the roof, (i must admit i was feeling a tad rowdy, so i slapped some windows around), but overall it was a blast. We got to the 'Tequila Rose' and headed inside, where they were selling $7 pitchers of mixed drinks. I thought it was a great idea at the time to get those instead of actual drinks, but it turned out not to be such a good idea. so about 2 or 3 pitchers later, 10 makeouts, and jagger, me and lee decided to go out for a smoke. All i remember is her on the ground, coming up and she was pretty badly cut up above her eye. Some random dude helped us get a cab, who wouldn't fucking take us to the er, fucking douchebag, and we got there, i was a complete mess. Balling hysterically, me being so intoxicated and what not, helping out my friend, just being there for her every step of the way.
As she was being tended to, i at this point was a disaster; not knowing where to go, who to turn to, what to do i was frantically thinking of a way to feel saved, to be tended to, to feel not scared and lost. Although i could have just stayed in the er with her overnight, something in my mind triggered, and i decided to call up a guy i barely knew in hopes of being rescued not only from the hospital walls, but from my own scared feelings. After several tries at calling his house, yes his house, haha, he finally called me back, told me to wait and he'd come and get me. I remember standing outside of the hospital feeling so uneasy, looking up at the stars, my eyes puffy as hell, wondering why this is all happening, what the fuck is going on, will i be okay in the morning, will i be okay at that moment. The next thing i knew, i saw his face. Words could not describe how happy i was at this moment. Probably one of the most happiest times in my life. So i jumped into his car, and completely forgot to tell the nurse or my friend i was heading off. We got to his place, smoked a J, which had to be the best thing in the world at that point, and watched some t.v. He honestly changed the way i looked at guys, because i mean, before that i'm pretty sure everyone knows my views on men. Scum of the earth, pretty much. I've never felt so loved and cared for before in my life. It was a new feeling, a surprising one at that. It didn't feel real, almost like a dream. I'm also pretty sure i was all over him, i had to have been because i was completely intoxicated, but instead of being a creep and taking total advantage of me, which he could, and what i'm used to happening, he stopped me and just held me tight. Something which has never happened. Maybe i do deserve it afterall. I'm way too hard on myself. Thus, being extremely thankful and grateful for turning my disasterous evening in a new city, into one of the most memorable awesome nights that i'll never forget for as long as i live.
I think overall, i must have some sort of guardian angel watching over me. I'm not a religious girl, but somewhat after this weekend made me realize maybe there is a god who is taking care of me, and wants me to be safe. And these questions and thoughts kept running through my head, why did this all happen? what was the reason, the underlying meaning? To save and be saved? To love and be loved? Can it be the start to something beautiful and wonderful? Or the end of a dream that i've had for all of my young life? Whatever the reason behind it was, it was meant to be carried out, and expirenced with passion and risk. I mean, worse things could have happened; my friend could have gotten injured worse, i could have gotten hurt, i could have been at the hands of a crazy rapist or murderer, it could of been worse. That's what i keep telling myself. But it was perfect; even if it was a bad situation, it was a good one, considering the what if's.
Now, I sit here and feel so completely empty. As if someone has ripped my heart out, with all of it's emotions along with it. I've never felt so shattered before, to miss someone so much, it just doesn't seem real. with everything eating away at me, i feel as if there's nothing i could do, but also feeling that there's so much i can do too. You live life once, live it out. Live it well. But, i don't know if i can follow my own advice now, but to just wait. Wait and be eaten life full of sadness, and lonliness. Wait to see if this feeling will ever fully disappear. I blame it on Dallas, but it can't be him. It not only hurts within, but physically as well. And i realize how completely grateful i am, but why must i feel tormented at the same time, to be faced with someone so amazing, only to have it vanish within a few hours from it appearing. Am i that bad of a person for this to be happening to? I take care of my friends, i cherish them all, i love my family, i'm a good person, i'm a good and trustworthy companion and mate, but all my life, i've never felt so completely tormented. If he is the one who i was meant to realize that there are better guys out there, that i don't have to be subjected to immature assholes who i'm used to loving and caring for, that someone like him can open up new doors and show me how it is to be fully respected and treated, then so be it. But to feel this low, this completely shattered, that i would rather not have met him and know him , than to live without him at all. So, i will continue my life, i don't know if i will get over this feeling, or if i will feel whole again, but if i do i hope it's soon. I would never want anyone to feel the way i do. If this whole expirence, somehow was the start to a journey of realization, that one day i would see him again, and the feeling would disappear, maybe it will be different, and he will stay. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but all i know is , that i can trust some force of being out there that wants me to realize everything will be okay, Idelle. I am watching over you and loving you. Please, whoever you are, make it go away. The pain is killing me. Dallas, shutup and get off my ipod already.
Loveu
Idelle
The weekend started off to be amazing, i remember being on the train, feeling so free, free from everyone just for those two hours where i can sit somewhere, be a complete stranger and actually reflect on my own thoughts without worrying about anyone or anything. I arrive at the station, so tired, yet so happy to the joy of seeing Lee-Ann's face. We scurry to the bus stop, catch the bus and arrive at her place. We finally get there, get ready, drink some cooluh's and head off to their friends house to wait for the big party bus, hah. One of the best parts of the night was being at this girls place, and just spending time with Lee-Ann, just catching up and having a great time. The bus finally arrived, and as we were loading on, 100 other college kids started cramming on the bus too. I remember this chick saying how it was like the titanic haha, oh man. As we were on the bus, it was insane! 4 people to a seat, everyone cheering smacking on the windows and the roof, (i must admit i was feeling a tad rowdy, so i slapped some windows around), but overall it was a blast. We got to the 'Tequila Rose' and headed inside, where they were selling $7 pitchers of mixed drinks. I thought it was a great idea at the time to get those instead of actual drinks, but it turned out not to be such a good idea. so about 2 or 3 pitchers later, 10 makeouts, and jagger, me and lee decided to go out for a smoke. All i remember is her on the ground, coming up and she was pretty badly cut up above her eye. Some random dude helped us get a cab, who wouldn't fucking take us to the er, fucking douchebag, and we got there, i was a complete mess. Balling hysterically, me being so intoxicated and what not, helping out my friend, just being there for her every step of the way.
As she was being tended to, i at this point was a disaster; not knowing where to go, who to turn to, what to do i was frantically thinking of a way to feel saved, to be tended to, to feel not scared and lost. Although i could have just stayed in the er with her overnight, something in my mind triggered, and i decided to call up a guy i barely knew in hopes of being rescued not only from the hospital walls, but from my own scared feelings. After several tries at calling his house, yes his house, haha, he finally called me back, told me to wait and he'd come and get me. I remember standing outside of the hospital feeling so uneasy, looking up at the stars, my eyes puffy as hell, wondering why this is all happening, what the fuck is going on, will i be okay in the morning, will i be okay at that moment. The next thing i knew, i saw his face. Words could not describe how happy i was at this moment. Probably one of the most happiest times in my life. So i jumped into his car, and completely forgot to tell the nurse or my friend i was heading off. We got to his place, smoked a J, which had to be the best thing in the world at that point, and watched some t.v. He honestly changed the way i looked at guys, because i mean, before that i'm pretty sure everyone knows my views on men. Scum of the earth, pretty much. I've never felt so loved and cared for before in my life. It was a new feeling, a surprising one at that. It didn't feel real, almost like a dream. I'm also pretty sure i was all over him, i had to have been because i was completely intoxicated, but instead of being a creep and taking total advantage of me, which he could, and what i'm used to happening, he stopped me and just held me tight. Something which has never happened. Maybe i do deserve it afterall. I'm way too hard on myself. Thus, being extremely thankful and grateful for turning my disasterous evening in a new city, into one of the most memorable awesome nights that i'll never forget for as long as i live.
I think overall, i must have some sort of guardian angel watching over me. I'm not a religious girl, but somewhat after this weekend made me realize maybe there is a god who is taking care of me, and wants me to be safe. And these questions and thoughts kept running through my head, why did this all happen? what was the reason, the underlying meaning? To save and be saved? To love and be loved? Can it be the start to something beautiful and wonderful? Or the end of a dream that i've had for all of my young life? Whatever the reason behind it was, it was meant to be carried out, and expirenced with passion and risk. I mean, worse things could have happened; my friend could have gotten injured worse, i could have gotten hurt, i could have been at the hands of a crazy rapist or murderer, it could of been worse. That's what i keep telling myself. But it was perfect; even if it was a bad situation, it was a good one, considering the what if's.
Now, I sit here and feel so completely empty. As if someone has ripped my heart out, with all of it's emotions along with it. I've never felt so shattered before, to miss someone so much, it just doesn't seem real. with everything eating away at me, i feel as if there's nothing i could do, but also feeling that there's so much i can do too. You live life once, live it out. Live it well. But, i don't know if i can follow my own advice now, but to just wait. Wait and be eaten life full of sadness, and lonliness. Wait to see if this feeling will ever fully disappear. I blame it on Dallas, but it can't be him. It not only hurts within, but physically as well. And i realize how completely grateful i am, but why must i feel tormented at the same time, to be faced with someone so amazing, only to have it vanish within a few hours from it appearing. Am i that bad of a person for this to be happening to? I take care of my friends, i cherish them all, i love my family, i'm a good person, i'm a good and trustworthy companion and mate, but all my life, i've never felt so completely tormented. If he is the one who i was meant to realize that there are better guys out there, that i don't have to be subjected to immature assholes who i'm used to loving and caring for, that someone like him can open up new doors and show me how it is to be fully respected and treated, then so be it. But to feel this low, this completely shattered, that i would rather not have met him and know him , than to live without him at all. So, i will continue my life, i don't know if i will get over this feeling, or if i will feel whole again, but if i do i hope it's soon. I would never want anyone to feel the way i do. If this whole expirence, somehow was the start to a journey of realization, that one day i would see him again, and the feeling would disappear, maybe it will be different, and he will stay. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but all i know is , that i can trust some force of being out there that wants me to realize everything will be okay, Idelle. I am watching over you and loving you. Please, whoever you are, make it go away. The pain is killing me. Dallas, shutup and get off my ipod already.
Loveu
Idelle