I can haz made soap!
After getting through the last of the emotional baggage handed down to me by my parents, i have finally started exploring creative self-expression. I’m still coming down from what was basically a rather intensive soul-searching process to make sense of the last four-five years of my life with Enoch (guy I lived with off and on who acted as a friend but wasn’t really) as well as making sense of my life as a whole which was something I’d be struggling with ever since the start of my liberation from christianity thanks to the help of a couple of friends back in ‘87. It’s been a rather grueling and, at times, brutal process, but finally it’s reached conclusion and I’m beginning to reach out yet again (this time, though many of you have probably heard me say -that- before) for good. I’m presently exploring the magical side of my nature and the idea that what we see around us is really a dream whereas what we think is dreaming when we sleep is closer to reality. A bit more involved than that, but I don’t feel up to writing the whole thing out right now. I just about 30 mins ago, cracked out of a mold, my first bar of soap which, to most people, may respond “oh big deal, it’s just soap” but to me it represents a liberation from a life where i had no avenue of self-expression... well, I wasn’t allowed to express it really because of how I was raised. Nothing was ever good enough so after a time of this I decided there was really no point in trying anymore. So i broke past that and created what might become a source of income for me though the main reason I did it was so that I could actually point to something I made. Contemplating the soap, I realized that now that I had taken the first step towards freeing up the artist within, I see so many possibilities open up where there seemed to be none before. I don’t know when the next entry here will be, but this is the start of something big for me. drawing, music, and other forms of expression seem so much more accessible now that I broke through that barrier. Perfectionism is a real bitch to get past when one looks at one’s creation and sees all the things wrong with it (I thank my mother for her harsh criticisms and judgements on myself and my ideas for this). But this bar of soap, while not what one might call perfect. Indeed, has things about it I wuld change, opens up avenues of exprloriation seemingly inpenetrable to me. Doors that didn’t exist for me to before open up of their own accord and offer me glimpses to where I can take all this. I’ve always been more at home creating with my paws than making up ideas (though I“ve entertained some really cool ones lately). So who nows... maybe I will have more to share. In the meantime, I take my little bar of soap that means so much to me and know that just having done this much makes me happy and that so much more awaits for down the road.
I am a free bobcat, no longer tamed by a tyrant. The shackles have been thrown of and I walk my world free of spirit and alive for the first time since maybe I was five years old if not younger.
I love my inner kitten... he teaches me so much about myself andwhat I am capable of. Both he and I are children of nature. But I suspect those of us that are therian and even those of furry are children of nature as well. Time for this kitty to crash and dream dreams of cat-stuff.
Meow for now
Xao
Yay Soap!