Noah must have gone insane
My animals are all being obnoxious BRATS. I think there is a contest to see who will piss mommy off enough to pop somebody's head of their spine. It's currently a six way tie for first place.
The house is messy enough. I do not need people pulling each other's hair out, thank you. (Willow, Katie, Woody)
I do not need people climbing up onto places they know they do not belong and knocking things over. (Riley, Annie, Woody, Ernie) This includes the closet. Those clothes were just washed, dried and folded or hung up, I don't want them on the floor. If I wanted them on the floor, I would have put them there myself. (Willow, Bastet)
The birds are room mates, they are not toys. Leave them alone. Do NOT knock over their cages scaring the birds and knocking water and seed EVERYWHERE. (Annie)
The magnets are on the fridge because I want them there. Please do not take them off. (???)
The garbage can is in the cupboard to keep you and the dawgs out of it. Quit going in there. (Woody)
Thank you for barfing on my invoices. At least they were already faxed. (Riley)
You cannot dig to China/Freedom/Narnia through the bottom of the litter pan. All you are doing is throwing litter all over the floor I mopped yesterday.
If you are going to dig that deep in the litter pan, when you drop a Bomb in it, please take as much care to bury it as you did to dig the hole. In addition, no matter how much you try, scraping at the wall and/or floor instead of at the litter in the box will not bury your leavings. (Woody, Ernie)
The cover on the couch is there because you like to lay on it. Many people do not let their dawgs on the couch. I don't mind you being on the couch, but I would appreciate you leaving the cover so that the sofa doesn't get quite so hairy AND not saturated with your doggy B.O. that seems to come out of nowhere. (Jack) Besides, when you pull the cover off the couch, the cats think it's an invitation to yack a hairball on it. (???)
Please do not roll in mystery scents in the back yard. Why you would want to smell like something that belongs in a George Romero film is beyond me. (Shelby)
The door frame is not a scratch post. Scratch posts have been provided throughout the house. Please use them and not anything else...like the door frame, window frame, foot stool, carpet, wall, etc. (Tiffany, Woody, Katie, Asp, Gato)
Do not eat so fast that you vomit next to the food bowl/into the food bowl/into the water bowl. There is always food. There has been food available to you the entire 9 years you have been on this earth. Looking at your wide bottom, it is obvious you have never gone without eating. There is no reason to gulp your food like that. (Asp)
If you need to go outside to go to the bathroom, please ask. (Shelby) If you are asking to go outside NOT to pee but to bay at the man walking down the street a block away, please Don't...just Don't. (Jack) When I call you to come in because the echoing of your bay is making my spine vibrate and driving the neighbors batshit, do not ignore me. (Jack)
Please do not knock your dish off the feeding counter to share with the dawg. (???) Dawg, please do not eat what they knock over to share. We all know this may end up with you having Puke Fest 2008 which is not much fun for you and a nightmare to mommy who has to keep cleaning it up. (Jack)
Chez Bush does not have a buffet. If it is on the kitchen counter or in the kitchen sink it is Not For You. (Jack, Woody)
I think that's it...may have to ETA later...
The house is messy enough. I do not need people pulling each other's hair out, thank you. (Willow, Katie, Woody)
I do not need people climbing up onto places they know they do not belong and knocking things over. (Riley, Annie, Woody, Ernie) This includes the closet. Those clothes were just washed, dried and folded or hung up, I don't want them on the floor. If I wanted them on the floor, I would have put them there myself. (Willow, Bastet)
The birds are room mates, they are not toys. Leave them alone. Do NOT knock over their cages scaring the birds and knocking water and seed EVERYWHERE. (Annie)
The magnets are on the fridge because I want them there. Please do not take them off. (???)
The garbage can is in the cupboard to keep you and the dawgs out of it. Quit going in there. (Woody)
Thank you for barfing on my invoices. At least they were already faxed. (Riley)
You cannot dig to China/Freedom/Narnia through the bottom of the litter pan. All you are doing is throwing litter all over the floor I mopped yesterday.
If you are going to dig that deep in the litter pan, when you drop a Bomb in it, please take as much care to bury it as you did to dig the hole. In addition, no matter how much you try, scraping at the wall and/or floor instead of at the litter in the box will not bury your leavings. (Woody, Ernie)
The cover on the couch is there because you like to lay on it. Many people do not let their dawgs on the couch. I don't mind you being on the couch, but I would appreciate you leaving the cover so that the sofa doesn't get quite so hairy AND not saturated with your doggy B.O. that seems to come out of nowhere. (Jack) Besides, when you pull the cover off the couch, the cats think it's an invitation to yack a hairball on it. (???)
Please do not roll in mystery scents in the back yard. Why you would want to smell like something that belongs in a George Romero film is beyond me. (Shelby)
The door frame is not a scratch post. Scratch posts have been provided throughout the house. Please use them and not anything else...like the door frame, window frame, foot stool, carpet, wall, etc. (Tiffany, Woody, Katie, Asp, Gato)
Do not eat so fast that you vomit next to the food bowl/into the food bowl/into the water bowl. There is always food. There has been food available to you the entire 9 years you have been on this earth. Looking at your wide bottom, it is obvious you have never gone without eating. There is no reason to gulp your food like that. (Asp)
If you need to go outside to go to the bathroom, please ask. (Shelby) If you are asking to go outside NOT to pee but to bay at the man walking down the street a block away, please Don't...just Don't. (Jack) When I call you to come in because the echoing of your bay is making my spine vibrate and driving the neighbors batshit, do not ignore me. (Jack)
Please do not knock your dish off the feeding counter to share with the dawg. (???) Dawg, please do not eat what they knock over to share. We all know this may end up with you having Puke Fest 2008 which is not much fun for you and a nightmare to mommy who has to keep cleaning it up. (Jack)
Chez Bush does not have a buffet. If it is on the kitchen counter or in the kitchen sink it is Not For You. (Jack, Woody)
I think that's it...may have to ETA later...