Ready to run.
Current Mood: 
on the verge of something.
Current Music: Rihanna- Unfaithful
"He's more than a man, and this is more than love..."
So.
Yesterday I was so ready to just run. Run as fast and as far away as possible.
I worked yesterday and all day I felt a subtle difference. Several times I caught myself thinking that I didn't have that feeling I usually have, that I just didn't feel like being there. (I hadn't seen Jeremy in almsot a week either, and when I go that long without seeing him I do get restless. I mean, I serve chicken; what is there to love about the job?)
Well, then Jeremy came in. Again, I got so excited to see him that I actually gasped a little, although I think only Joey and I heard it, and Joey just glanced at me and then started talking to Jeremy like he wasn't completely sure if he had even heard me right. Erika was standing right next to me though, and she looked over at me when Jeremy got there, and of course I was all bright-eyed and smiling stupidly like Santa Claus just walked in and handed me a wad of cash. (Lately I can't seem to keep that stupid smile off my face when Jeremy's around. I'm getting obvious.)
But ironically Jeremy reinforced my need/desire to run. Normally he doesn't, because I'm usually so "Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy," that he just cancels out any desire to leave because I want to be with him. But yesterday before Jeremy got there I had been thinking about Mike, and how Mike treated me like something akin to dirt, and despite that he had to be the one to stop calling me back. I may have stopped the making out/feeling up part, but I was still quite willing to talk to him, to pay for his stupid wings and take him to more movies if he wished it. So I was already thinking, "My goodness, this place is ruining me. These people are ruining me. Look at what this place has done to my standards. I'm pining after a married man and I've been wasting my time on a guy who treats me like dirt. I wasn't like that before."
But I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it.
Then Jeremy got there. I got all excited. And he was so adorable (like always), he even popped his collar for us. So darn adorable. But while Jeremy was there he only reinforced my belief that my standards and expectation are a thing of the past. I no longer expect anything from men. Like even the smallest of expectations is too much for them to handle. Jeremy was talking to me and in front of me about the hot teachers at his daughters school. He was joking around saying he was going on all the field trips this year and blah blah blah. He was talking about other women and I was laughing. It didn't bother me at all. I mean, maybe the tiniest little bit, just a little for the old me. But not enough to stop me from laughing at him and contributing to the conversation.
But it's the way he did it. He didn't act guilty, so I let him off the hook. He didn't act apologetic, so I just assumed he had nothing to apologize for. (I'm not the one he should apologize to anyway, but I think his wife may be a bit overdue.) But he doesn't feel bad about it. He's allowed. It's not something he keeps secret. Now, if he checked out his daughter's teacher quietly and didn't say a word about it, I would just think he's a sleazeball. But somehow the fact that he's so open about it makes it okay.
Because that's just Jeremy. He's just like that. It's okay. It's him. That has been a part of him longer than I've even known him, so that's just part of the person that I... care about. So I accept it. I excuse it.
And yesterday between thinking about the whole situation with Mike and the situation with Jeremy I realized that this place is ruining me.
So I desperately wanted to leave. I just wanted myself back. I want to be me again. I want to be good again. I'm tired of this new world, the new me that came out. I don't want this. I don't want to do it anymore. I decided that I didn't want to pine for a married man anymore, because that isn't something I would have done, and I can't stand the guilt, the misery of knowing I can't have him. Yesterday I was stocking some of Joey's stuff and he's like, "What, are you going to stock all my stuff today?"
And I said, "Sure."
And Erika said, "Sam's so going to heaven."
Of course we were all joking around, but there was a time when someone could have said, "Sam's going to heaven,"and I would have thought, "Yep." But not yesterday. Yesterday it made me sad, because it just reminded me that there was a time when I would have thought that, but that time was in the past. Yesterday it just made me think, "Will I? I don't know anymore."
And admitting that made me extremely sad.
Basically yesterday just brought me down, brought me back to reality. And there is "sorrow in my soul" over this whole thing, but... I don't know. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. Because it wouldn't stop me.
I don't know.
I need to go get dressed, I'm going to pick up my paycheck today.
on the verge of something.
Current Music: Rihanna- Unfaithful
"He's more than a man, and this is more than love..."
So.
Yesterday I was so ready to just run. Run as fast and as far away as possible.
I worked yesterday and all day I felt a subtle difference. Several times I caught myself thinking that I didn't have that feeling I usually have, that I just didn't feel like being there. (I hadn't seen Jeremy in almsot a week either, and when I go that long without seeing him I do get restless. I mean, I serve chicken; what is there to love about the job?)
Well, then Jeremy came in. Again, I got so excited to see him that I actually gasped a little, although I think only Joey and I heard it, and Joey just glanced at me and then started talking to Jeremy like he wasn't completely sure if he had even heard me right. Erika was standing right next to me though, and she looked over at me when Jeremy got there, and of course I was all bright-eyed and smiling stupidly like Santa Claus just walked in and handed me a wad of cash. (Lately I can't seem to keep that stupid smile off my face when Jeremy's around. I'm getting obvious.)
But ironically Jeremy reinforced my need/desire to run. Normally he doesn't, because I'm usually so "Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy," that he just cancels out any desire to leave because I want to be with him. But yesterday before Jeremy got there I had been thinking about Mike, and how Mike treated me like something akin to dirt, and despite that he had to be the one to stop calling me back. I may have stopped the making out/feeling up part, but I was still quite willing to talk to him, to pay for his stupid wings and take him to more movies if he wished it. So I was already thinking, "My goodness, this place is ruining me. These people are ruining me. Look at what this place has done to my standards. I'm pining after a married man and I've been wasting my time on a guy who treats me like dirt. I wasn't like that before."
But I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it.
Then Jeremy got there. I got all excited. And he was so adorable (like always), he even popped his collar for us. So darn adorable. But while Jeremy was there he only reinforced my belief that my standards and expectation are a thing of the past. I no longer expect anything from men. Like even the smallest of expectations is too much for them to handle. Jeremy was talking to me and in front of me about the hot teachers at his daughters school. He was joking around saying he was going on all the field trips this year and blah blah blah. He was talking about other women and I was laughing. It didn't bother me at all. I mean, maybe the tiniest little bit, just a little for the old me. But not enough to stop me from laughing at him and contributing to the conversation.
But it's the way he did it. He didn't act guilty, so I let him off the hook. He didn't act apologetic, so I just assumed he had nothing to apologize for. (I'm not the one he should apologize to anyway, but I think his wife may be a bit overdue.) But he doesn't feel bad about it. He's allowed. It's not something he keeps secret. Now, if he checked out his daughter's teacher quietly and didn't say a word about it, I would just think he's a sleazeball. But somehow the fact that he's so open about it makes it okay.
Because that's just Jeremy. He's just like that. It's okay. It's him. That has been a part of him longer than I've even known him, so that's just part of the person that I... care about. So I accept it. I excuse it.
And yesterday between thinking about the whole situation with Mike and the situation with Jeremy I realized that this place is ruining me.
So I desperately wanted to leave. I just wanted myself back. I want to be me again. I want to be good again. I'm tired of this new world, the new me that came out. I don't want this. I don't want to do it anymore. I decided that I didn't want to pine for a married man anymore, because that isn't something I would have done, and I can't stand the guilt, the misery of knowing I can't have him. Yesterday I was stocking some of Joey's stuff and he's like, "What, are you going to stock all my stuff today?"
And I said, "Sure."
And Erika said, "Sam's so going to heaven."
Of course we were all joking around, but there was a time when someone could have said, "Sam's going to heaven,"and I would have thought, "Yep." But not yesterday. Yesterday it made me sad, because it just reminded me that there was a time when I would have thought that, but that time was in the past. Yesterday it just made me think, "Will I? I don't know anymore."
And admitting that made me extremely sad.
Basically yesterday just brought me down, brought me back to reality. And there is "sorrow in my soul" over this whole thing, but... I don't know. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. Because it wouldn't stop me.
I don't know.
I need to go get dressed, I'm going to pick up my paycheck today.