Insights Into Myself
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: King of Anything
"You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special. Being miserable doesn't make you better than anyone else, House, it just makes you miserable." -Wilson
ETA: "Emotional abuse kills the spirit and the ability to succeed later in life, to feel deeply, or to make emotional contact with others...Survivors of sexual abuse experience low self-esteem, self-hatred, affective instability, poor control of aggressive impulses, and disturbed interpersonal relationships compounded by an inability to trust and difficulty in protecting themselves." -Psych text
So, I'm watching an episode of House and texting Josh and Chad--well, Josh the most, because Chad isn't as needy, so I piss him off more easily. However, since he's not the only one I'm talking to, I don't try not to. (I believe we've already discovered that I can be a major bitch. Noted. Don't care.) When you have two on the line, it doesn't matter if one falls off temporarily. When you don't particularly care about either of them, it matters even less, because they're entirely replaceable. (I can now understand Mike in a way I was never able to when I actually cared about things. I suppose being emotionally crippled is, in a sense, similar to always being high, except things aren't as funny.)
Chad and Josh annoy me in completely opposite ways, which is fascinating since they are altered versions of the same basic person. They have both sent me nearly identical texts, they have the same "little boy who refuses to grow up" disease that I'm beginning to think is a gross epidemic among male adults.
Anyway, Josh is growing increasingly intolerable. Initially, while I found his, "I hate myself, please reassure me" act obnoxious, I found the low-self-esteem theme to be good inspiration for my psychological research. I was treated for it once upon a time, but it was another lifetime ago, I can't remember the minute details. Talking to Josh, I would want to help him, but since I don't actually know how, I would be required to research. I did, but I find him too annoying to apply any of it. For one thing, sometimes I feel like he's overplaying his low self-esteem issue to get attention--which I don't give him, because I'm not going to reinforce negative/attention-whore behavior. When he pulls a pity-grenade, I shut down completely and he doesn't get to talk to me anymore, usually for the rest of the night. (I'm not his mommy, I'm not dealing with it.)
I am also beginning to wonder if I have the patience to be a psychologist, and promptly doubting that I do. Dealing with people who irritate me tends to bring out my bitchy side.
Also on the Josh topic: while I am a bit of a dork myself, I'm more of a cool dork. Being intellectually interested and having a dry sense of humor and a dorky interest in smart things--that's dorky, sure, but it's not freak-dorky. He is just ridiculous-dorky. He texts me these off-the-wall stupid things--earlier, I got one that said, "Zim and zimbibble."
WHAT THE FUCK. So, instead of trying to be nice, I went, "Um... right." I'm sorry, but my dork tolerance level is slipping.
And he explains that he's trying to swear less and increase his usage of silly words.
Know what word is not manly? "Silly." It's just not.
Not that ANYTHING about Josh is manly, which is primarily why he annoys the hell out of me. I like alpha males. I don't know where they hide, but that's what I like. I don't like boys. I'm attracted to some men, but I am not attracted to boys--as, well, I am not a pedophile. Grown men who act like little boys still set off my "little boy" radar. I guess he is 21, but he acts 12--tops. I would never, ever, ever date this boy, obviously, but I still observe his behavior as a member of the male species that i'm not at all interested in. (He uses the word "kitty" constantly to refer to his fucking cat. I'm a female, and I don't do that. He says his cat is sitting on his "tele." He says things using the royal "we." He more or less baby talks--"me hates math." GROW UP. It's not cute, it's annoying. it's not even cute when kids do it, unless they're a year old! He just annoys me.)
Also, since I got into a little bit of a disagreement with Chad the other night--he was pretending to know me better than I know myself again, which always thrills the hell out of me--and I explained to him---for the second or third time--that what actually appeals to me, what I'm attracted to, is a man who is stronger than me, more in control than I am--someone who can more or less dominate me. Someone who makes me submit--someone I can respect. Healthy? Maybe not. Doesn't matter. You're attracted to what you're attracted to.
Anyway, it explains why I'm generally attracted to authority figures, people in a position of power over me, people stronger than I am, people smarter than I am, people more aloof than I am. If someone is in any way better than I am--by my very specific standards--then I am drawn to them because I instinctively want to be near something I want to emulate, someone I aspire to be.
Unfortunately for my relationship status, the only guys that are ever attracted in me enough to do anything about it are guys that do not surpass me on any of those important levels.
It also explains why I'm generally only interested in older guys--how many guys younger than I am are going to have more life experience or be tougher than I am?
I'm very uncaring/indifferent, as a general rule.
Unfortunately, I'm also attracted to people who trump me on that level, which is the only way I could possibly explain Mike using this logic.
Current Music: King of Anything
"You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special. Being miserable doesn't make you better than anyone else, House, it just makes you miserable." -Wilson
ETA: "Emotional abuse kills the spirit and the ability to succeed later in life, to feel deeply, or to make emotional contact with others...Survivors of sexual abuse experience low self-esteem, self-hatred, affective instability, poor control of aggressive impulses, and disturbed interpersonal relationships compounded by an inability to trust and difficulty in protecting themselves." -Psych text
So, I'm watching an episode of House and texting Josh and Chad--well, Josh the most, because Chad isn't as needy, so I piss him off more easily. However, since he's not the only one I'm talking to, I don't try not to. (I believe we've already discovered that I can be a major bitch. Noted. Don't care.) When you have two on the line, it doesn't matter if one falls off temporarily. When you don't particularly care about either of them, it matters even less, because they're entirely replaceable. (I can now understand Mike in a way I was never able to when I actually cared about things. I suppose being emotionally crippled is, in a sense, similar to always being high, except things aren't as funny.)
Chad and Josh annoy me in completely opposite ways, which is fascinating since they are altered versions of the same basic person. They have both sent me nearly identical texts, they have the same "little boy who refuses to grow up" disease that I'm beginning to think is a gross epidemic among male adults.
Anyway, Josh is growing increasingly intolerable. Initially, while I found his, "I hate myself, please reassure me" act obnoxious, I found the low-self-esteem theme to be good inspiration for my psychological research. I was treated for it once upon a time, but it was another lifetime ago, I can't remember the minute details. Talking to Josh, I would want to help him, but since I don't actually know how, I would be required to research. I did, but I find him too annoying to apply any of it. For one thing, sometimes I feel like he's overplaying his low self-esteem issue to get attention--which I don't give him, because I'm not going to reinforce negative/attention-whore behavior. When he pulls a pity-grenade, I shut down completely and he doesn't get to talk to me anymore, usually for the rest of the night. (I'm not his mommy, I'm not dealing with it.)
I am also beginning to wonder if I have the patience to be a psychologist, and promptly doubting that I do. Dealing with people who irritate me tends to bring out my bitchy side.
Also on the Josh topic: while I am a bit of a dork myself, I'm more of a cool dork. Being intellectually interested and having a dry sense of humor and a dorky interest in smart things--that's dorky, sure, but it's not freak-dorky. He is just ridiculous-dorky. He texts me these off-the-wall stupid things--earlier, I got one that said, "Zim and zimbibble."
WHAT THE FUCK. So, instead of trying to be nice, I went, "Um... right." I'm sorry, but my dork tolerance level is slipping.
And he explains that he's trying to swear less and increase his usage of silly words.
Know what word is not manly? "Silly." It's just not.
Not that ANYTHING about Josh is manly, which is primarily why he annoys the hell out of me. I like alpha males. I don't know where they hide, but that's what I like. I don't like boys. I'm attracted to some men, but I am not attracted to boys--as, well, I am not a pedophile. Grown men who act like little boys still set off my "little boy" radar. I guess he is 21, but he acts 12--tops. I would never, ever, ever date this boy, obviously, but I still observe his behavior as a member of the male species that i'm not at all interested in. (He uses the word "kitty" constantly to refer to his fucking cat. I'm a female, and I don't do that. He says his cat is sitting on his "tele." He says things using the royal "we." He more or less baby talks--"me hates math." GROW UP. It's not cute, it's annoying. it's not even cute when kids do it, unless they're a year old! He just annoys me.)
Also, since I got into a little bit of a disagreement with Chad the other night--he was pretending to know me better than I know myself again, which always thrills the hell out of me--and I explained to him---for the second or third time--that what actually appeals to me, what I'm attracted to, is a man who is stronger than me, more in control than I am--someone who can more or less dominate me. Someone who makes me submit--someone I can respect. Healthy? Maybe not. Doesn't matter. You're attracted to what you're attracted to.
Anyway, it explains why I'm generally attracted to authority figures, people in a position of power over me, people stronger than I am, people smarter than I am, people more aloof than I am. If someone is in any way better than I am--by my very specific standards--then I am drawn to them because I instinctively want to be near something I want to emulate, someone I aspire to be.
Unfortunately for my relationship status, the only guys that are ever attracted in me enough to do anything about it are guys that do not surpass me on any of those important levels.
It also explains why I'm generally only interested in older guys--how many guys younger than I am are going to have more life experience or be tougher than I am?
I'm very uncaring/indifferent, as a general rule.
Unfortunately, I'm also attracted to people who trump me on that level, which is the only way I could possibly explain Mike using this logic.