Hearts are meant to be broken.
My last post was of me admitting I was in love with Padraig… I don't even know what to write tonight, except that I have no fucking clue anymore.
Maybe I should have listened when Padraig said he was an asshole. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems like no matter what I get my hopes up about, they always get crushed to dust. With Padraig it was no different.
I should have known that I'm too fucking damaged to be with. I should have known that if he really knew me, he wouldn't want me. I haven't let myself cry about this, but now as I type this, I can't stop the tears from falling. I'm broken.
I love him. I want him. But I'm me and I can never have what I want. I don't even know what I did wrong; he won't tell me.
I want so badly to just delete him from Facebook, but I can't. I just… I don't want to believe its over before it even began. My chest physically hurts, there's an actual ache. It probably doesn't help my emotions that I'm on steroids for a Crohn's flare up. They're doing weird things to my emotions even though they're supposed to basically be a lighter version of prednisone without the side affects. I'm also hormonal from pms so I doubt that's helping either.
I just wish he'd tell me what I did. I'd fucking apologize if I needed to. I don't know what went wrong and that's the hardest part.
I love him and he broke me. But if he suddenly decided to talk to me again… I'd jump on that. I wouldn't hold whatever this is against him. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a dream.
I love him, but only on my own…
from Les Miserables
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister