Broken people find each other. And we get fixed with each other.
Holy shit! The past 24 hours have been so crazy. First Padraig told me he never wanted to talk to me again and I was so fucking broken that I spent most of yesterday trying not to break down. But when my case manager Lene showed up, it was all I could do to just breathe and talk to her. For a good fifteen minutes I couldn't even tell her what was wrong and she played the yes-no guessing game with me trying to figure it out. She figured some of it out that way, but eventually I had to explain a bit. It felt so bad. She prescribed me Disney movies and Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. She even had me call my mom to get the ice cream while she was still at my house.
About thirty minutes after she left singsingasong, who by the way wanted to kill Padraig by this point, txt'd and asked me to do sbux with her. I, of course, agreed. I thought it'd be good therapy and Lene would have added that to my "prescription" if she'd still been there. Not long after that, I'd say within five minutes of singsingasong's txt, I got a Facebook message from Padraig. I was so fucking scared to look at it, but I did, and what it said had my heart simultaneously in my throat and skipping a beat with joy all at once.
Before I tell you what Padraig's message said, I should probably admit to sending him two FB messages after he told me to never speak to him again. And this is what they said…
•••••
Message One: (2:30am) Know the saddest part of it all? If you were to come to me tomorrow, or even five seconds from now, and apologized, I would accept your apology. I'd forgive you in a heartbeat.
Message Two: (11:19am) What's even more pathetic is that you wouldn't even have to apologize.
•••••
Now back to Padraig's message. The first thing he did was say he was so sorry for being such a brutal asshole. Then he proceeded to explain how he'd been drunk and even though that's what was going on, it wasn't an excuse. He told me I didn't need to accept his apology but he just wanted to put it out there. He also said that I mean a lot to him and he couldn't stand to not have us be in each other's lives. But the thing that scared me and made my heart leap into my throat was the fact that he'd gotten drunk. He's been sober for two years because his drinking made him extremely ill, like almost cost him his life. He was told that if he ever drank again it'd probably kill him. Please put one and two together because I can't bear to type it. My eyes are watering just thinking about it. Fuck. I love this kid so much and if he had died… I don't know what I would have done, especially with how things had ended before his apology.
After about five minutes of just staring in shock at my computer screen, I finally replied to him. The first thing I said was, like I said last night, I'll forgive you in a heartbeat. Then I told him if he ever did it again to just tell me he's drunk because I don't think I could ever handle that kind of brutality from him again. I told him he means the world to me.
We're okay now. He's going to go to AA, said he was going to go last night in fact. singsingasong still wants to beat the shit out of him. She said after she did that, she was going to take him to AA and then a dharma talk. I love that she cares about me so much she'd kick the shit out of him for hurting me. I mean, I was so fucking hurt that I worried her, making her think that I could possibly be so upset that I might hurt myself or wind up in the hospital. I have to admit that if this had been six years ago… I wouldn't have hesitated to slice up my arms. But it's not six years ago. I'm not going back to that kind of coping skill.
In the end, it's been a very emotional roller coaster type of twenty-four hours. And the subject of this post? It's something that Padraig told me today. We're both broken and maybe we'll help each other get fixed. *shrug* Who knows.
I'm just so eternally grateful that he's okay and he's speaking to me again. I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had died, I fucking love him. He's my world.
My mom and I had Chinese for dinner and my fortune was perfect and made me instantly think, Padraig. It said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."
Well, I've got about 3 hours till I have to get up to take the dog out. Must get some more sleep. Until next time…
xoxo,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister♥