Film reviews. Or do I mean rants? Whatever.
Les Miserables - the 2000 version.
This one with Gerard Depardieu and John Malkovich ought to be brilliant. It isn’t. The high point is at the beginning when Valjean wonders if his passport is yellow because now he’s allowed to be happy, and adds that he likes Tuesdays. It goes downhill from there.
Depardieu is ineffectual as Valjean, Malkovich swans about in a leather trench coat looking fastidious and bored. Cosette seems to have a mild Elektra complex, and Marius is played by the most stunningly unattractive actor I’ve ever come across. The only ones who’re any good are Fantine and Eponine. (The latter scampers about in a blood red dress being woe-is-me and cunning by turns which works rather well.)
The 1998 Hollywood version.
It's... passable. Last time I said the only good thing in it was Marius’ coat. This was a little unfair. Uma Thurman is suitably pathetic and harried as Fantine. Liam Neeson manages to be believable as Valjean in his different character stages (murderous, gruff, atoning, saintly) and has the right sort of physical presence too. Claire Danes is the least irritating Cosette I’ve seen. Hans Matheson is a very pretty and idiolistic Marius, but I’m not allowed to fancy him because he looks about five for kerristsake. He is also occasionally upstaged by his coat.
There is no Eponine. Geoffrey Rush kicks arse as Javert. Truly, he portrays a man who has elevated the Law to the status of god and who lives by an absolute set of rules he will not break even if it means treating himself harshly... and when he does break them his world crumbles and he kills himself with the same cold unbending reason he applied to everything else. The only thing that really pissed me off is that Valjean watched Javert commit suicide and not only does nothing at all to try to stop him, but then practically skips away grinning and singing 'lalalala'. WTF? I think not.
Beggar girl: "Please?"
(Everyone ignores her whining.)
Me: Nope. Sucks to be you.
(Valjean appears and throws a hissy fit because of starving child. He then steals a loaf of bread that’s bigger than he is. I almost expect Benny Hill music to start. The old baker is chasing him through the rain wearing a white nightshirt and nothing else.)
Neurons: Our eyes our eyes aaiiieeee!
Me: I'm trying to work out whether Valjean is handsome or not. Hard to tell. He has a touch of the Innsmouth Look. And his voice is awful. Then again... I think he has a hat of charisma+3 or something as he can go from quite goodlooking to quite wonky, all depending on the light.
(Toulon Prison.)
Neurons: It’s a painting!
(The convicts are admitted to the prison.)
Me: Iron collars and branding - hardcore. Sucks to be you.
Neurons: 24601 in one solid branding iron? How many irons do they have? Or is everyone on that day 24601? It’s day 24601! That’ll make Valjean's courtroom reveal later rather more like Sparticus, surely? ‘I’m Valjean!’ ‘No, I’m Valjean!’ ‘I’m Valjean and so’s my wife!’
(First shot of Javert - a pair of riding boots so shapely and shiny they look like fetish wear.)
Neurons: Heeeheeeheeeeee!
Prisoner: *goans loudly and at length*
Valjean: *gives Javert a long and soulful look*
Javert: *looks all tall and pokey and ever so Dom* “Who is that prisoner?”
Me: Holy shit - it’s Les Mis the slash version!
Prisoner: "How beautiful is the moon tonight!"
Me: Lord, are you the prison bitch or are you just trying to be soulfully French and failing?
Other Prisoner: "Valjean - Valjean - are you all right?"
Me: No, he’s under the spell of Javert’s oh-so-sexy-boots.
Me: A winch, a quarry, a prisoner, a cart, a large rock suspended by rope… This can’t go well.
(The rock falls on the prisoner, turning him to jam.)
Me: Told ya. Sucks to be you. Think I’ll abbreviate this to STBY from now on just to save on typing... Tsk - that rock is the size of a house - he’s jam, forget it. He’s only wriggling ‘cos he’s a shambly.
Neurons: Eeeep! Shoot him in the head!
Me: Hush. Oh, it’s okay: judging from that camera shot the rock missed him entirely and he’s just lying next to it squirming about for a lark.
(Valjean moves the rock with a disturbingly enraptured expression. Javert gives a grudging ‘you have been bad but you have done well also. I shall not punish you but neirther shall I reward you’ look. Valjean appears mildly disappointed.)
Me: Ahahaha! Javert is such the perfect goth Dom in this! I swear - did he take lessons?
(Repeat of earlier scene with Javert watching Valjean at the wheel.)
Javert: "Who is that?"
Guard: "Valjean."
Javert: "No. Him."
Guard: "Yes, Inspector. It is Valjean."
Javert: *peculiar look, kinda like, ‘oh, shit, it is. Did I break my toy?’*
Me: Tsk - someone didn’t teach you the Rules of Fair Play did they? Solitary is right out.
(After Valjean has spat at him and threatened to kill him)
Javert: *weird and slightly triumphant look: ‘heh - not broken after all!’*
Me: I’m not making this up - bloody Anthony Perkins has the most ridiculous subtext going on. Watch it on youtube if you don’t believe me.
Valjean: *throws utter flid in solitary and growls a lot*
Neurons: *Are unimpressed*
Me: STBY.
(Valjean escapes by falling into a river. Javert look utterly horrified.)
Guard: "He’s dead for sure. Shall we continue the search?"
Javert: *very long and coldly broken look, final nod of one clutching at straws.*
Me: How the FUCK did the director allow this shit? Seriously?!
(Valjean runs and fails about like a bad 70’s acid casualty. Sort of like Jack Sparrow actually, although I wasn't aware this was meant to be a comedy...)
Neurons: *half die trying not to laugh*
(Valjean steals clothes that patently do not fit him but are kinda cool anyways.)
Me: Bloody hell, he looks like that tipsy goth Irish Nos who hit on Cinnamon at the vampire games!
(Valjean is randomly beaten up by plot. Literally.)
Me: Really STBY.
(Valjean goes to visit the Bishop, oh he of silver candlestick and sainted heart fame.)
Me: He’s outrageously French. Sounds like Monty Python in comparison to everyone else. Didn’t anyone tell him the rest of the cast was all Brits and Yanks?
Bishop: "My friend would you care for a wash before supper?"
Me: Apparently not, he’s still bloody filthy at the table.
Neurons: Oh! The Bishop hears Valjean piking the silver and looks all sadly and prays for him!!!! Squeee! That’s somehow ridiculously endearing.
(Valjean is returned by the Gendarmes.)
Me: He totally looks like the Irish Nos boy!
(The Bishop forgives Valjean, Valjean turns emo in the extreme.)
Neurons: *pat on the head* There there.
(Valjean has become Monsieur le Mayor and is looking swish.)
Me: That’s the first time I’ve seen Valjean as mayor and he’s not been blindingly unbelievably instantly recognisable as Valjean-24601. ….. Those britches are obscenely tight - no wonder he looks uncomfortable and Javert’s eyes kept lowering themselves.
(Javert asks Valjean le Mayor to 'inspect his men'.)
Me: Beg pardon?
(Valjean looks shifty and mumbles something about washing his hair / being unaccountably busy / needing to catch a train / whatever.)
Neurons: If subtext turns rabid and devours all the normal text does it still count as subtext?
Guard: "This girl was found soliciting."
Me: Holy fuck that’s not Fantine, it’s Gollum! And why the hell is the guard holding her like that - that’s a bit unwell - everytime she wriggles she… ergh.
Gollum: *fawns over Javert’s shiny boots and grovels*
Me: Pfft. Not a fukkin’ chance darlin’, those boots are shiny for a reason.
Javert: "Be quiet woman!"
Me: Ha - STBY.
(Argument commences about whether there should be offence or official action taken because Gollum Fantine spat on the mayor.)
Me: Gods, this is the only time I’ve seen or read this scene and got the impression Javert is in a snit not because of the undermining of authority but because - in a very matter of fact way - in his world he’s the only one allowed to spit on Valjean. Damn Anthony Perkins and his expressions - DAMN HIM!
Valjean: "Blah, whatever. Sorry I ruined your life Fantine, here, have a sous. Bye!"
Me: Mr Generosity.
Neurons: We can’t decide - would this be better or more horrific if we were drunk?
Me: Time to break out the sloe gin Kate made me.
Neurons: Smells of absinthe. Tastes munchy.
Me: Result!
(There’s a man squished beneath a cart.)
Bloke: "Ques que c'est?"
Man: *moan*
Me: Kerrist - are you blind - what do you mean ‘what’s this?’ he’s jam under a cart and in need of rescue - obviously!
(Valjean tries to get help, Javert says he’s only known of one man capable of such a feet of strength as is required - 24601.)
Me: Wow. Javert - you’re one pokey bastard. Way to raise the stakes - daring Valjean to reveal himself when it’s clear you already think he might be 24601.
Valjean: *looking blandly ill* "How interesting."
Javert: *looks unaccountably queasy*
Neurons: So if you’re about to unmask and then must incarcerate your dodgey-but-fated-lover… is that the expression you have?
Me: Yeah. Noted for future reference, cheers Javert.
(Valjean lifts the cart.)
Neurons: Valjean looks like he’s high. Erm. Or *ahem* pleased. Javert looks... unhappy. Like he’s about to be given his greatest wish but gonna be killed ten seconds after. Awww. ANGST!
(Valjean looks at Javert in a blatent ‘Now you know. Damn.’ Javert looks back with, ‘Yeah. Now I know. Danm.’)
Me: STBY!
(Valjean takes the wounded man to his carriage. Javert looks deeply hurt by this.)
Neurons: Aww, poor darling.
Me: What is all this, neurons? You don’t believe in Valjean and Javert shagging, no matter what fanfic might say.
Neurons: We KNOW! Can’t help it. Bloody Anthony Perkins and his bloody stupid looks! You might as well try to convince us that RDJ-Holmes and Jude-Watson aren’t an item, okay?
Me: Point.
Javert: "I have done wrong and I demand punishment."
Neurons: *splutter* SWITCH?! Heeeheee.
Javert: "I have had these…. Notions… for some time."
Me: It shouldn’t be right he can make that sound so dodgey. It’s not right I tell you!
(Valjean goes to the court to clear the name of the man they believe to be him.)
Neurons: I’m Sparticus!
Me: Shush. His hair’s gone grey. Am I misremembering, or was his hair supposed to turn white *after* the trial? Or was it all the angst before hand? Arse - can’t remember.
Neurons: Could be angst. Your feathers are silver from angst and insanity - although admittedly that took five years not five hours. Five hours would have been waaaay more impressive.
Me: Shuttup.
Neurons: Javert is getting really pissy Valjean spent time with Gollum Fantine.
Javert: *pokey shouty spiteful*
Neurons: OMG!! You killed GOLLUM! You BASTARD! Heeeheee!
(Javert grabs Valjean's wrist. Valjean wrenches the other man's hand from him. Javert has an expression like all his fantasies have come true but he can't let on. They sit in a carriage together. So much AWKWARD. It's sweet. Valjean leaps out of the carriage and into a river. L' Inspector looks heartbroken. Valjean returns home and - this is special - hides from Javert in a closet. No, really, he does.)
Valjean: *comes out of closet* "I've lived a lie!"
Neurons: *headdesk*
(Valjean flops on a bed, looking incurably emo.)
Neurons: We want his floofy shirt. And his cinched waistcoat. Oh so handy for looking emo.
Me: And the sort of hips and legs that would look that good in stockings and britches, please.
Neurons: Were did they film all that? Such a cool city location!
Me: Bloody hell Javert is so tall and thin he looks like an evil anime bishonen but more pokey and less pretty. ... Ergh, Cossette sounds like a squeak toy. ... They did the coffin scene from the book! Cool =)
Gravedigger: "Shit!"
Neurons: Heehee!
Valjean: *in coffin* "Ergh..."
Neurons: Shambly! Killit!
Me: Hush. Oh, he cries when Cosette is taken away into the convent! Sweetheart. ... Heh, Javert looks almost ready to cry at losing Valjean.
Javert: "I will never give up the search for Jean Valjean. If it takes me the rest of my life I will find him... And that is a sacred promise."
Neurons: *snigger* TRUE LOVE!
Me: Please tell me Marius isn’t the git in the hideous waistcoat saying ‘down with the parasites’ - makes him look like an idiot ranting against bedbugs or something. Then again, if it is bedbugs I can see his point... Ah, no, that might be Enjolras. Marius is the bloke with the lost look and the dodgey beard. Dude, seriously, this Cosette isn’t that pretty. And she’s wearing pink. Ick.
Neurons: Javert in disguise! Heeheehee!
Marius: "Gavroche, do you see her - the bright angel..."
Me: Darlin’ that’s just lighting. I could look like a bloody angel lit like that =P
Javert: (After seeing Valjean.) *reverently* "...My god... Alive!" (Runs after him.)
Neurons: Oh dear, you’ve got it bad! Poor man.
Me: Cosette in contrast looks positively bored at the prospect of Marius and his poetry. And Marius when talking to her just looks... pained.
Neurons: Chemistary, oh chemistary, wherefore art thou chemistary?
Cosette: "Good morning father!!! What a lovely day lalalala!!!!!"
Me: Oh god. Subtle much?
Marius: "I swear by all that is holy, Cosette, if you leave here now I will die."
Neurons: Pfft. You’re sooo not convincing when compared to Valjean and Javert’s oaths.
Marius: "I will die!!"
Me: Mm, whatever, run along.
(Random scene with Marius riding to a châteaux.)
Me: Marius, that’s not dying. *with appologies to Stoppard-* That’s being on a horse. Death is not a horse. Death isn’t. Death is not. The ultimate negative. You can’t not be on a horse.
Neurons: He’s frequently not been on a horse.
Me: No, what he’s been is not on a horse... Bloody hell, it's John Geilgud!
Gavroche: "Awww, Marius, doesn’t she love you?"
Me: ♥! Urchin boy - your sarcasm rocks =)
Neurons: Enjolras looked happier to see Marius than Cosette ever did.
Gavroche: "He’s a spy! Inspector Javert!"
Enjolras: "I have the honour of telling you you’ll be shot two minutes before the barricade is taken."
Me: Do you have a stopwatch? Guess what - STBY.
Javert: *Looks like an emo teenager who’s been grounded*
Neurons: Haha!
(The barricade meanwhile is stormed. With cavalry.)
Me: WTF? Cavalry? For a barricade? What happened to the cannon? That was unfair, sure, but a least it made sense...
Film: *cavalry charge fail*
(Valjean walks about in NoMansLand to collect the dead whilst everyone on both sides vouches for him.)
Me: I know he’s a saint, but really...
Javert: *bitterly to Valjean* "I’m a troublesome spy - they will blow out my brains very shortly - and you I suppose will be certain to watch. You're welcome to."
(Valjean leaves)
Javert: *sigh* *sadlyfoxears*
Neurons: He got sadlyfoxears - lookit!
Me: Heee! That was pretty epic =)
(Valjean frees Javert)
Javert: *with intensity* "You madden me..."
Neurons: Uh-huh. We got that.
Javert: "I would sooner be killed."
Me: You sure? You talking about le petit mort, yes?
(At the barricade, everyone is dead save for Enjolras, who stands and is promptly shot.)
Me: Idiot. STBY.
(Valjean checks that Marius’ head doesn’t fall off and then drags him into the sewer.)
Me: Head attached? Pretty fucking obvious. Pulse is what you ought to check y’know.
Neurons: First Aid FAIL - no gold star for you.
Javert: (at the barricade) "He must be here - he MUST!"
Me: You should have propositioned him in the alley. Seriously. It’s obviously the only way to resolve this thing you’ve got going.
(Javert finds Valjean in the sewers and calls ‘Halt!’ and then spends several seconds looking like he’s gonna cry.)
Javert: "Why did you let me go?"
Valjean: "I had no choice."
Javert: "Choice?"
Valjean: "Once, many years ago... the Bishop... candlesticks... my soul... redemption... blahblahblah."
Me & my Neurons: You git! It’s plain as fekking daylight he’s desperate for you to say ‘Because I love you!’
Me: ... DAMN YOU ANTHONY PERKINS AND YOUR SKEWED BUT BELIEVABLE PORTRAYAL OF JAVERT!
Javert: =( "There is no god."
Neurons: Doomed!
Me: Poor darling.
(Javert refuses to kill Valjean and disappears. Valjean looks rather lost and spends a while calling after the Inspector in the sewers.)
Me: I have bugger all pity for you. STBY and I should bloody well hope so too.
(Javert finds time to dress in his old uniform so he looks swish for his suicide. I approve - one should always be well dressed for one’s own funeral. Anthony Perkins looks suitably soul-shattered and broken into mental smitherines.)
Neurons: DRAMA. ANGST!
(The music explodes in some hideous comedy horn blast as he topples into the river, turning it to farce.)
Neurons: Oi!
Me: What. The. FUCK?
Neurons: *a la Captain Jack Sparrow* So, he’s found you just like he vowed, and you’ve killed him just like you vowed, so that makes you both men of your word. Capital!
(There is a wedding. It is all Happy Ever After.)
John Geilgud: "I’ve been a fool."
Valjean: "We are all fools for most of our lives - it is unavoidable."
Me: Says YOU - bloody idiot. I don’t like you at all.
(Marius and Cosette drive off in their JustMarriedYeyForUs carriage whilst Valjean walks off quite happily through the graveyard.)
Neurons: Is that foreshadowing?
Me: Foreshadowing what exactly? - the credits are rolling.
Neurons: In the book he died.
Me: Yeah, and in the book there was this girl called Eponine who was around quite a bit and there was a lot less Javert-is-tragically-in-love-with-Valjean subtext going on.
Neurons: Point. ….. Poor Javert =(
Me: Don’t think he’s the sort of bloke who’d take kindly to pity.
Neurons: But he had SADLYFOXEARS!
Me: *blink* Well, yes, yes he did. Um. Okay, well, off you run and go feed him Smarties or whatever.
Neurons: Yey! *scamper off*
Me: ... Mr Perkins, damn you damn you damn you. I now have a chibi manga Javert in my brain. He has sadlyfoxears and spends a lot of time standing on bridges. My neurons have attached him to the end of a fishing line to save time later. This is, frankly ridiculous. I hold you responsible. That is all.
This one with Gerard Depardieu and John Malkovich ought to be brilliant. It isn’t. The high point is at the beginning when Valjean wonders if his passport is yellow because now he’s allowed to be happy, and adds that he likes Tuesdays. It goes downhill from there.
Depardieu is ineffectual as Valjean, Malkovich swans about in a leather trench coat looking fastidious and bored. Cosette seems to have a mild Elektra complex, and Marius is played by the most stunningly unattractive actor I’ve ever come across. The only ones who’re any good are Fantine and Eponine. (The latter scampers about in a blood red dress being woe-is-me and cunning by turns which works rather well.)
The 1998 Hollywood version.
It's... passable. Last time I said the only good thing in it was Marius’ coat. This was a little unfair. Uma Thurman is suitably pathetic and harried as Fantine. Liam Neeson manages to be believable as Valjean in his different character stages (murderous, gruff, atoning, saintly) and has the right sort of physical presence too. Claire Danes is the least irritating Cosette I’ve seen. Hans Matheson is a very pretty and idiolistic Marius, but I’m not allowed to fancy him because he looks about five for kerristsake. He is also occasionally upstaged by his coat.
There is no Eponine. Geoffrey Rush kicks arse as Javert. Truly, he portrays a man who has elevated the Law to the status of god and who lives by an absolute set of rules he will not break even if it means treating himself harshly... and when he does break them his world crumbles and he kills himself with the same cold unbending reason he applied to everything else. The only thing that really pissed me off is that Valjean watched Javert commit suicide and not only does nothing at all to try to stop him, but then practically skips away grinning and singing 'lalalala'. WTF? I think not.
Beggar girl: "Please?"
(Everyone ignores her whining.)
Me: Nope. Sucks to be you.
(Valjean appears and throws a hissy fit because of starving child. He then steals a loaf of bread that’s bigger than he is. I almost expect Benny Hill music to start. The old baker is chasing him through the rain wearing a white nightshirt and nothing else.)
Neurons: Our eyes our eyes aaiiieeee!
Me: I'm trying to work out whether Valjean is handsome or not. Hard to tell. He has a touch of the Innsmouth Look. And his voice is awful. Then again... I think he has a hat of charisma+3 or something as he can go from quite goodlooking to quite wonky, all depending on the light.
(Toulon Prison.)
Neurons: It’s a painting!
(The convicts are admitted to the prison.)
Me: Iron collars and branding - hardcore. Sucks to be you.
Neurons: 24601 in one solid branding iron? How many irons do they have? Or is everyone on that day 24601? It’s day 24601! That’ll make Valjean's courtroom reveal later rather more like Sparticus, surely? ‘I’m Valjean!’ ‘No, I’m Valjean!’ ‘I’m Valjean and so’s my wife!’
(First shot of Javert - a pair of riding boots so shapely and shiny they look like fetish wear.)
Neurons: Heeeheeeheeeeee!
Prisoner: *goans loudly and at length*
Valjean: *gives Javert a long and soulful look*
Javert: *looks all tall and pokey and ever so Dom* “Who is that prisoner?”
Me: Holy shit - it’s Les Mis the slash version!
Prisoner: "How beautiful is the moon tonight!"
Me: Lord, are you the prison bitch or are you just trying to be soulfully French and failing?
Other Prisoner: "Valjean - Valjean - are you all right?"
Me: No, he’s under the spell of Javert’s oh-so-sexy-boots.
Me: A winch, a quarry, a prisoner, a cart, a large rock suspended by rope… This can’t go well.
(The rock falls on the prisoner, turning him to jam.)
Me: Told ya. Sucks to be you. Think I’ll abbreviate this to STBY from now on just to save on typing... Tsk - that rock is the size of a house - he’s jam, forget it. He’s only wriggling ‘cos he’s a shambly.
Neurons: Eeeep! Shoot him in the head!
Me: Hush. Oh, it’s okay: judging from that camera shot the rock missed him entirely and he’s just lying next to it squirming about for a lark.
(Valjean moves the rock with a disturbingly enraptured expression. Javert gives a grudging ‘you have been bad but you have done well also. I shall not punish you but neirther shall I reward you’ look. Valjean appears mildly disappointed.)
Me: Ahahaha! Javert is such the perfect goth Dom in this! I swear - did he take lessons?
(Repeat of earlier scene with Javert watching Valjean at the wheel.)
Javert: "Who is that?"
Guard: "Valjean."
Javert: "No. Him."
Guard: "Yes, Inspector. It is Valjean."
Javert: *peculiar look, kinda like, ‘oh, shit, it is. Did I break my toy?’*
Me: Tsk - someone didn’t teach you the Rules of Fair Play did they? Solitary is right out.
(After Valjean has spat at him and threatened to kill him)
Javert: *weird and slightly triumphant look: ‘heh - not broken after all!’*
Me: I’m not making this up - bloody Anthony Perkins has the most ridiculous subtext going on. Watch it on youtube if you don’t believe me.
Valjean: *throws utter flid in solitary and growls a lot*
Neurons: *Are unimpressed*
Me: STBY.
(Valjean escapes by falling into a river. Javert look utterly horrified.)
Guard: "He’s dead for sure. Shall we continue the search?"
Javert: *very long and coldly broken look, final nod of one clutching at straws.*
Me: How the FUCK did the director allow this shit? Seriously?!
(Valjean runs and fails about like a bad 70’s acid casualty. Sort of like Jack Sparrow actually, although I wasn't aware this was meant to be a comedy...)
Neurons: *half die trying not to laugh*
(Valjean steals clothes that patently do not fit him but are kinda cool anyways.)
Me: Bloody hell, he looks like that tipsy goth Irish Nos who hit on Cinnamon at the vampire games!
(Valjean is randomly beaten up by plot. Literally.)
Me: Really STBY.
(Valjean goes to visit the Bishop, oh he of silver candlestick and sainted heart fame.)
Me: He’s outrageously French. Sounds like Monty Python in comparison to everyone else. Didn’t anyone tell him the rest of the cast was all Brits and Yanks?
Bishop: "My friend would you care for a wash before supper?"
Me: Apparently not, he’s still bloody filthy at the table.
Neurons: Oh! The Bishop hears Valjean piking the silver and looks all sadly and prays for him!!!! Squeee! That’s somehow ridiculously endearing.
(Valjean is returned by the Gendarmes.)
Me: He totally looks like the Irish Nos boy!
(The Bishop forgives Valjean, Valjean turns emo in the extreme.)
Neurons: *pat on the head* There there.
(Valjean has become Monsieur le Mayor and is looking swish.)
Me: That’s the first time I’ve seen Valjean as mayor and he’s not been blindingly unbelievably instantly recognisable as Valjean-24601. ….. Those britches are obscenely tight - no wonder he looks uncomfortable and Javert’s eyes kept lowering themselves.
(Javert asks Valjean le Mayor to 'inspect his men'.)
Me: Beg pardon?
(Valjean looks shifty and mumbles something about washing his hair / being unaccountably busy / needing to catch a train / whatever.)
Neurons: If subtext turns rabid and devours all the normal text does it still count as subtext?
Guard: "This girl was found soliciting."
Me: Holy fuck that’s not Fantine, it’s Gollum! And why the hell is the guard holding her like that - that’s a bit unwell - everytime she wriggles she… ergh.
Gollum: *fawns over Javert’s shiny boots and grovels*
Me: Pfft. Not a fukkin’ chance darlin’, those boots are shiny for a reason.
Javert: "Be quiet woman!"
Me: Ha - STBY.
(Argument commences about whether there should be offence or official action taken because Gollum Fantine spat on the mayor.)
Me: Gods, this is the only time I’ve seen or read this scene and got the impression Javert is in a snit not because of the undermining of authority but because - in a very matter of fact way - in his world he’s the only one allowed to spit on Valjean. Damn Anthony Perkins and his expressions - DAMN HIM!
Valjean: "Blah, whatever. Sorry I ruined your life Fantine, here, have a sous. Bye!"
Me: Mr Generosity.
Neurons: We can’t decide - would this be better or more horrific if we were drunk?
Me: Time to break out the sloe gin Kate made me.
Neurons: Smells of absinthe. Tastes munchy.
Me: Result!
(There’s a man squished beneath a cart.)
Bloke: "Ques que c'est?"
Man: *moan*
Me: Kerrist - are you blind - what do you mean ‘what’s this?’ he’s jam under a cart and in need of rescue - obviously!
(Valjean tries to get help, Javert says he’s only known of one man capable of such a feet of strength as is required - 24601.)
Me: Wow. Javert - you’re one pokey bastard. Way to raise the stakes - daring Valjean to reveal himself when it’s clear you already think he might be 24601.
Valjean: *looking blandly ill* "How interesting."
Javert: *looks unaccountably queasy*
Neurons: So if you’re about to unmask and then must incarcerate your dodgey-but-fated-lover… is that the expression you have?
Me: Yeah. Noted for future reference, cheers Javert.
(Valjean lifts the cart.)
Neurons: Valjean looks like he’s high. Erm. Or *ahem* pleased. Javert looks... unhappy. Like he’s about to be given his greatest wish but gonna be killed ten seconds after. Awww. ANGST!
(Valjean looks at Javert in a blatent ‘Now you know. Damn.’ Javert looks back with, ‘Yeah. Now I know. Danm.’)
Me: STBY!
(Valjean takes the wounded man to his carriage. Javert looks deeply hurt by this.)
Neurons: Aww, poor darling.
Me: What is all this, neurons? You don’t believe in Valjean and Javert shagging, no matter what fanfic might say.
Neurons: We KNOW! Can’t help it. Bloody Anthony Perkins and his bloody stupid looks! You might as well try to convince us that RDJ-Holmes and Jude-Watson aren’t an item, okay?
Me: Point.
Javert: "I have done wrong and I demand punishment."
Neurons: *splutter* SWITCH?! Heeeheee.
Javert: "I have had these…. Notions… for some time."
Me: It shouldn’t be right he can make that sound so dodgey. It’s not right I tell you!
(Valjean goes to the court to clear the name of the man they believe to be him.)
Neurons: I’m Sparticus!
Me: Shush. His hair’s gone grey. Am I misremembering, or was his hair supposed to turn white *after* the trial? Or was it all the angst before hand? Arse - can’t remember.
Neurons: Could be angst. Your feathers are silver from angst and insanity - although admittedly that took five years not five hours. Five hours would have been waaaay more impressive.
Me: Shuttup.
Neurons: Javert is getting really pissy Valjean spent time with Gollum Fantine.
Javert: *pokey shouty spiteful*
Neurons: OMG!! You killed GOLLUM! You BASTARD! Heeeheee!
(Javert grabs Valjean's wrist. Valjean wrenches the other man's hand from him. Javert has an expression like all his fantasies have come true but he can't let on. They sit in a carriage together. So much AWKWARD. It's sweet. Valjean leaps out of the carriage and into a river. L' Inspector looks heartbroken. Valjean returns home and - this is special - hides from Javert in a closet. No, really, he does.)
Valjean: *comes out of closet* "I've lived a lie!"
Neurons: *headdesk*
(Valjean flops on a bed, looking incurably emo.)
Neurons: We want his floofy shirt. And his cinched waistcoat. Oh so handy for looking emo.
Me: And the sort of hips and legs that would look that good in stockings and britches, please.
Neurons: Were did they film all that? Such a cool city location!
Me: Bloody hell Javert is so tall and thin he looks like an evil anime bishonen but more pokey and less pretty. ... Ergh, Cossette sounds like a squeak toy. ... They did the coffin scene from the book! Cool =)
Gravedigger: "Shit!"
Neurons: Heehee!
Valjean: *in coffin* "Ergh..."
Neurons: Shambly! Killit!
Me: Hush. Oh, he cries when Cosette is taken away into the convent! Sweetheart. ... Heh, Javert looks almost ready to cry at losing Valjean.
Javert: "I will never give up the search for Jean Valjean. If it takes me the rest of my life I will find him... And that is a sacred promise."
Neurons: *snigger* TRUE LOVE!
Me: Please tell me Marius isn’t the git in the hideous waistcoat saying ‘down with the parasites’ - makes him look like an idiot ranting against bedbugs or something. Then again, if it is bedbugs I can see his point... Ah, no, that might be Enjolras. Marius is the bloke with the lost look and the dodgey beard. Dude, seriously, this Cosette isn’t that pretty. And she’s wearing pink. Ick.
Neurons: Javert in disguise! Heeheehee!
Marius: "Gavroche, do you see her - the bright angel..."
Me: Darlin’ that’s just lighting. I could look like a bloody angel lit like that =P
Javert: (After seeing Valjean.) *reverently* "...My god... Alive!" (Runs after him.)
Neurons: Oh dear, you’ve got it bad! Poor man.
Me: Cosette in contrast looks positively bored at the prospect of Marius and his poetry. And Marius when talking to her just looks... pained.
Neurons: Chemistary, oh chemistary, wherefore art thou chemistary?
Cosette: "Good morning father!!! What a lovely day lalalala!!!!!"
Me: Oh god. Subtle much?
Marius: "I swear by all that is holy, Cosette, if you leave here now I will die."
Neurons: Pfft. You’re sooo not convincing when compared to Valjean and Javert’s oaths.
Marius: "I will die!!"
Me: Mm, whatever, run along.
(Random scene with Marius riding to a châteaux.)
Me: Marius, that’s not dying. *with appologies to Stoppard-* That’s being on a horse. Death is not a horse. Death isn’t. Death is not. The ultimate negative. You can’t not be on a horse.
Neurons: He’s frequently not been on a horse.
Me: No, what he’s been is not on a horse... Bloody hell, it's John Geilgud!
Gavroche: "Awww, Marius, doesn’t she love you?"
Me: ♥! Urchin boy - your sarcasm rocks =)
Neurons: Enjolras looked happier to see Marius than Cosette ever did.
Gavroche: "He’s a spy! Inspector Javert!"
Enjolras: "I have the honour of telling you you’ll be shot two minutes before the barricade is taken."
Me: Do you have a stopwatch? Guess what - STBY.
Javert: *Looks like an emo teenager who’s been grounded*
Neurons: Haha!
(The barricade meanwhile is stormed. With cavalry.)
Me: WTF? Cavalry? For a barricade? What happened to the cannon? That was unfair, sure, but a least it made sense...
Film: *cavalry charge fail*
(Valjean walks about in NoMansLand to collect the dead whilst everyone on both sides vouches for him.)
Me: I know he’s a saint, but really...
Javert: *bitterly to Valjean* "I’m a troublesome spy - they will blow out my brains very shortly - and you I suppose will be certain to watch. You're welcome to."
(Valjean leaves)
Javert: *sigh* *sadlyfoxears*
Neurons: He got sadlyfoxears - lookit!
Me: Heee! That was pretty epic =)
(Valjean frees Javert)
Javert: *with intensity* "You madden me..."
Neurons: Uh-huh. We got that.
Javert: "I would sooner be killed."
Me: You sure? You talking about le petit mort, yes?
(At the barricade, everyone is dead save for Enjolras, who stands and is promptly shot.)
Me: Idiot. STBY.
(Valjean checks that Marius’ head doesn’t fall off and then drags him into the sewer.)
Me: Head attached? Pretty fucking obvious. Pulse is what you ought to check y’know.
Neurons: First Aid FAIL - no gold star for you.
Javert: (at the barricade) "He must be here - he MUST!"
Me: You should have propositioned him in the alley. Seriously. It’s obviously the only way to resolve this thing you’ve got going.
(Javert finds Valjean in the sewers and calls ‘Halt!’ and then spends several seconds looking like he’s gonna cry.)
Javert: "Why did you let me go?"
Valjean: "I had no choice."
Javert: "Choice?"
Valjean: "Once, many years ago... the Bishop... candlesticks... my soul... redemption... blahblahblah."
Me & my Neurons: You git! It’s plain as fekking daylight he’s desperate for you to say ‘Because I love you!’
Me: ... DAMN YOU ANTHONY PERKINS AND YOUR SKEWED BUT BELIEVABLE PORTRAYAL OF JAVERT!
Javert: =( "There is no god."
Neurons: Doomed!
Me: Poor darling.
(Javert refuses to kill Valjean and disappears. Valjean looks rather lost and spends a while calling after the Inspector in the sewers.)
Me: I have bugger all pity for you. STBY and I should bloody well hope so too.
(Javert finds time to dress in his old uniform so he looks swish for his suicide. I approve - one should always be well dressed for one’s own funeral. Anthony Perkins looks suitably soul-shattered and broken into mental smitherines.)
Neurons: DRAMA. ANGST!
(The music explodes in some hideous comedy horn blast as he topples into the river, turning it to farce.)
Neurons: Oi!
Me: What. The. FUCK?
Neurons: *a la Captain Jack Sparrow* So, he’s found you just like he vowed, and you’ve killed him just like you vowed, so that makes you both men of your word. Capital!
(There is a wedding. It is all Happy Ever After.)
John Geilgud: "I’ve been a fool."
Valjean: "We are all fools for most of our lives - it is unavoidable."
Me: Says YOU - bloody idiot. I don’t like you at all.
(Marius and Cosette drive off in their JustMarriedYeyForUs carriage whilst Valjean walks off quite happily through the graveyard.)
Neurons: Is that foreshadowing?
Me: Foreshadowing what exactly? - the credits are rolling.
Neurons: In the book he died.
Me: Yeah, and in the book there was this girl called Eponine who was around quite a bit and there was a lot less Javert-is-tragically-in-love-with-Valjean subtext going on.
Neurons: Point. ….. Poor Javert =(
Me: Don’t think he’s the sort of bloke who’d take kindly to pity.
Neurons: But he had SADLYFOXEARS!
Me: *blink* Well, yes, yes he did. Um. Okay, well, off you run and go feed him Smarties or whatever.
Neurons: Yey! *scamper off*
Me: ... Mr Perkins, damn you damn you damn you. I now have a chibi manga Javert in my brain. He has sadlyfoxears and spends a lot of time standing on bridges. My neurons have attached him to the end of a fishing line to save time later. This is, frankly ridiculous. I hold you responsible. That is all.