Huh
I had a dream last night. In the dream I was sitting in the living room of my parents house. He was getting ready to go to a costume party at one of his friends house. I asked him why I couldn't go and he said because I would find it boring. I asked him again later and he said because I wouldn't know anyone there. I asked him again before the dream changed and in an angry voice he replied, "because I'll have more fun without you."
Thanks a lot brain.
Still having a lot of problems. Been trying to fight back though. Lowered my caffeine intake (which is REALLY hard!) , tiring to do at least one active thing a day, practice my deep breathing to clam my nerves. Some of it is helping. It's hard to fight feelings though.
Have you ever had that one hardcore rude friend / family member? That one where if you showed them a pretty picture that you were so proud of they'd look at it and say, "It'd look better if you hadn't used so much blue." Or you get your first date with this guy you like and they'd say, "He only agreed because he wants to get in your pants." You know, one of those friends? All you want to do is punch them in the face. Well, it's hard to do when that face is a little voice in your head that won't go away. And you can disagree and tell yourself you don't really think that way or what they said is not true but it's too late. The doubt has already been planted.
A lot of issues have been brought up recently about him going away to camp. Well, that's a lie. I am the only one having issues with it.
I tell my friends about it and they reply with "Yeah. That sucks for you. But you can spend more time with me while he's gone!." I tell his family about my issues and they reply with, "well, it wont be very good for you. But it will be a great experience for him." I try to talk to him about it and he responds with, "I have to do what's best for me. It won't be very pleasant for you, but it'll only be two months right?"
And then I say how I don't want him to go and everyone scoffs and tells me to stop thinking about only myself.
Apparently everyone is allowed to think selfishly but me.
If he were to go, he'd be leaving the end of June until the end of Aug. This would mean that when he graduates he will not be working from the end of April to the end of June. And it also means that he wont be working when he gets back at the end of Aug. If we were to move out (which I really really really really want to do) we won't be able to leave until..... October? Unless I get a ridiculously good paying job that pays over 25 bucks an hour I will not be able to support him and myself while we live in town. This means I am going to have to spend a whole summer here again, AND two months of that summer by myself so he can go to camp and have his great experience. BUT, I am not thinking selfishly.
If we were to get an apartment like I WANT TO, he says it would probably be for June. This would mean that I would have to have saved a MINIMUM $1700 for first and last months rent. And that's JUST me saving it because he is not working. And then I will have to have saved another MINIMUM $1700 for July's rent and possibly Sept's. If not Sept, then October (since he will be unemployed for however long). For him to go to camp, ALMOST ALL the financial responsibilities will be placed on MY shoulders for up to 5 MONTHS. BUT, I am not thinking selfishly.
For him to go to this summer camp and for to me to get what I want, I am going to have to pay a minimum $3400 IN RENT ALONE. That is not covering things like groceries and internet.
But. Then again. This is all just my selfish side talking.