Hmmmm
I think that some of my anxiety comes from the idea that everyone around me is dong something they find fun and exciting and I am not. It was suggested that is was a jealousy thing. I don't think it's as simple as that.
It's more like.... watching someone do something you want to do yourself but can't. You're still happy that they get to do what they enjoy, but... you can't help that bitter feeling.
My anxiety has been getting worse. I think it might be from my recent job fiasco. My boss says that since I can't work nights (which will be changing in 7 weeks) and because I can't work weekends (which is a total lie) I am going to have my keys taken away and have my hours dropped. This means I am working 14 hours a week, and that will probably go down as soon as the new guy they hired gets trained. If i can't find a full time job by the second week of March I am going to have to move back to Orillia. Yeah. I can see my anxiety acting up. Something to do with my whole style of life disappearing.
Stefan has pretty much been offered a job as a camp counselor from June 22 to Aug 22. Two months exactly he'll be gone. Yeah. About that.
My body has started to freak out on me since all this started. I vomit about once a day, I've been bleeding off and on for about 3 weeks now, have had constant nausea and abdominal pain. I thought about going to a doctor, but they don't know what the heck they're talking about. Last time I was like this they told me I had IBS and asked me to stay away from meat and diary. Thanks a lot Docs. Hopefully no internal organs are collapsing or whatever.
I was at a friends house today and I casually made the comment about how I think I have Paranoid Personality Disorder. We both agreed it was a pretty good possibility. The anxiety, the mistrust without evidence, the thoughts and feelings I get. It all matches. I told her about how it felt sometimes. The numbness through your body, the tightening in the center of your chest, the pain in your stomach. And then the tightness spreads all through your chest. Across your heart, into your lungs. It feels like you can't breath. And the panic. The wild urge to run or cry or scream and the crushing sensation you get when you realize it's not going away. You can't make it stop. And suddenly everyone is against you. Your thoughts fill with hate and sadness and pity. And all the while your chest burns and burns.
It is the longest 30 seconds of your life.
I don't know what to do. I need order. I need to know everything about everything. No surprises. No room for error. It helps keep the anxiety at bay. It keeps the hateful thoughts and twisted assumptions under control. I have no need to speculate if i understand and know what's going on..... But this.... This I have no control over. This can't be explained or fixed or predetermined.
I'm scared.