(no subject)
I'm trying to figure out where to start, since I haven't written in so long... this entry will inevitably start out with great grammar, and abruptly stop, probably sooner than later.
I'm really not expecting anyone to read this; it's more personal thoughts than anything else. Obviously it's not a secret diary otherwise everything would be locked. Even then, why would I have a secret diary on the Internet? That's not very secretive. Some things I say probably should be kept in a secret diary, but maybe I don't care as much as I should.
So, I broke up with Ash, like I said in the last entry. I did it for a few different reasons, but there are a few key things. (1) I'm still in love with Karen and I don't expect that to fade anytime soon. I don't want it to, anyway. I'm not stalking her or anything, and I'm not dwelling on the past anymore... I don't feel as guilty and shameful as I used to. Maybe I'm in the "acceptance" stage of the grief. Sometimes I think I'm better, and other times I think maybe it's just the eye of the storm and my mind will explode into feelings any day now. I still feel, though. I feel... a great missing. Longing, desire, a pull that's at the core of my spirit that drives me forward inexplicably. I was talking to Jamie the other day about how saying, "I miss you" or "I miss so-and-so" seems so understated. The actual feeling of missing someone seems so unbearable sometimes. It's like a void. The good thing is that I don't feel a need to fill that void with other things, like casual sex or hard drugs or alcohol or anything. I had been with this person almost every day for over two years, and then she's just gone. Or I'm gone. You're apart, you're separate, you're detached, you're distant. It's like this, and I found this on tumblr today and I almost cried because the description is so perfect. I didn't think words could describe it, but I think they can.
Karen always asked me why I love her, and I was always at a loss for words. She always seemed doubtful. I wish I had the words now. I feel like I'm always plagiarizing other people, stealing other people's feelings and calling them my own. But they're my feelings, too. I feel those things, too. I just feel, and I can't speak, so when other people are able to describe their feelings in words, I'm relieved, because I know it's possible. Music helps to me to understand my own feelings, and it's feels easier to tell my lover why I love them. I want to be HER lover, too.
I WAS listing the reasons why I broke up with Ash, but I guess after the first reason, nothing else matters. One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
I'm really not expecting anyone to read this; it's more personal thoughts than anything else. Obviously it's not a secret diary otherwise everything would be locked. Even then, why would I have a secret diary on the Internet? That's not very secretive. Some things I say probably should be kept in a secret diary, but maybe I don't care as much as I should.
So, I broke up with Ash, like I said in the last entry. I did it for a few different reasons, but there are a few key things. (1) I'm still in love with Karen and I don't expect that to fade anytime soon. I don't want it to, anyway. I'm not stalking her or anything, and I'm not dwelling on the past anymore... I don't feel as guilty and shameful as I used to. Maybe I'm in the "acceptance" stage of the grief. Sometimes I think I'm better, and other times I think maybe it's just the eye of the storm and my mind will explode into feelings any day now. I still feel, though. I feel... a great missing. Longing, desire, a pull that's at the core of my spirit that drives me forward inexplicably. I was talking to Jamie the other day about how saying, "I miss you" or "I miss so-and-so" seems so understated. The actual feeling of missing someone seems so unbearable sometimes. It's like a void. The good thing is that I don't feel a need to fill that void with other things, like casual sex or hard drugs or alcohol or anything. I had been with this person almost every day for over two years, and then she's just gone. Or I'm gone. You're apart, you're separate, you're detached, you're distant. It's like this, and I found this on tumblr today and I almost cried because the description is so perfect. I didn't think words could describe it, but I think they can.
Karen always asked me why I love her, and I was always at a loss for words. She always seemed doubtful. I wish I had the words now. I feel like I'm always plagiarizing other people, stealing other people's feelings and calling them my own. But they're my feelings, too. I feel those things, too. I just feel, and I can't speak, so when other people are able to describe their feelings in words, I'm relieved, because I know it's possible. Music helps to me to understand my own feelings, and it's feels easier to tell my lover why I love them. I want to be HER lover, too.
I WAS listing the reasons why I broke up with Ash, but I guess after the first reason, nothing else matters. One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.