On the Freedom of the Will (Über die Freiheit des menschlichen Willens)
"You can do what you will, but in any given moment of your life you can will only one definite thing and absolutely nothing other than that one thing."
- Arthur Schopenhauer, 'On the Freedom of the Will' (Über die Freiheit des menschlichen Willens), 1839.
The world continues to turn and puppy stumbles on with his pale parody of a life. Admittedly I don't really have much comprehension of what it ought to look like but certainly I continue to have some difficulty in getting mine to look like the ones in the pictures. Indeed my brains is hardly short of pictures and theories and thoughts of things rarely seem to work out in such a fashion. Of course though, whether or not the pictures themselves provide that much of an especially accurate perspective is another matter. Probably reading all those New Scientist articles that shared the latest evidence suggesting that our concepts of time, free will and even our sense of self are largely illusory or at least function very little like our commonplace sense of these things might have us imagine. An intermittent squidgy migraine has been of very much assistance either this week though presently that at least seems to have reasonably quietened down. Mostly though methinks I just be too wearied of the entertainments of the week gone by and unhelpfully fixated on the prospects of what might lie ahead to craft anything particularly useful out of this week wherein the demands upon my will be somewhat lighter. Which is just a little bit of a disappointment really. I though certainly hoped to make rather more of this time I have had between the scary things to take a few more positive steps forward than I quite seem to have proved able. For all my thinkings on the matter I yet finds myself distracted by the world and my brains suddenly getting themselves into some strangely intractable tangle when I moves to try and do much of anything. I wonder somewhat at the cause of it all, I don't much likes to think that I really has anything inherently unusual in my brains since that might suggest there would be little I could do and indeed, I'm not I particularly warrants and special treatment compared to any other human. So I'm left with some error in my thinkings, but I'm not such an unintelligent creature and it should seem that I knows more or less what I ought to be doing, or it is the unpleasantness of my anxiety pushing me back and the lack of any real sense of an award not pushing me forward. I do know however something of the kinds of magic and pleasure that the living and the world can entail so why isn't that enough to spur me onwards? Hm, I puzzle as to quite what I'm missing. Why can it not be that I can't seem to just choose to make myself do stuff as I know that I should? Perhaps there is something in that when growing up I would find that what I wanted to do and be would be undesirable to someone and thus somehow I assume that whatever I may do it will be the wrong thing? If that is the case though, and I'm not entirely convinced that it is crux of anything, then surely I should be able to rewrite that part of me? Either ways though, I'm clearly mistaken in my perspectives about something, but I suppose since I only have this broken glass to look through I'm not going to see myself quite how it is broken. I wonder then if I'm going to get anywhere then I needs some outside agency, be that be human intervention or by some unconscious fortune if I am to make any real progress. In the meanwhile though, well, I can but keep trying as best I may and hopefully at some point I will manage to do something.
Not that have done nothing this week by any means. I has poked about at the Coliseum and padded around at the shop but sadly these things don't themselves seem to hold much in the way of worth when it comes to assisting me in the creation of any sense of security in my world, nor solid ground on which to place my paws or indeed any greater clarity in my potentially illusory sense of self. Regardless of what I might do there at any of these places I remain unemployed and thus at the mercy of the whims of various scary agencies, or at least agencies that invoke a reponse of fear. Hm, it's an additionally sad thing perhaps that sometimes it seems that it be only this very immediate sense of threat and fear that can actually spur me into dynamic actions, whereas in quieter times the more positive motivations don't seem to move me nearly as much. I feel like I know it should, but it doesn't. Equally I can neither seem to get the concept of prevention being better than cure into my head either so I seem rather reluctant to take the sort of preparatory steps that might help me avoid the excessive threat and unpleasantness before I gets to it. My nature is very strongly geared towards the avoidance of such things that make me feels uncomfortable and thus doing stuffs to face it feels like it be distinctly unnatural. Still why should in continue to do so, despite all I know and make myself to do? Meanwhile it would seem I do be somewhat oversensitive and certainly a natural introvert, so it is I feel drained by activities out in the world amongst the peoples and rather more rejuvenated by quieter spaces and periods. Perhaps this world is not naturally made for an introvert like me, but on the other hand that's hardly any kind of crime either and surely there should be a place for a creature as me just as much as more outgoing types? Hm, presently I find myself reading Pratchett and I'm somewhat struck how in the fantasy of the Discworld eccentric characters excel when they finds themselves in their own tailor, or rather author made niche. Hm, well the world is not authored that straightforwardly perhaps but on the other hand it is also quite big so I should hope there is yet a niche that would fit me out there somewhere. Heh, maybe I need to find me an interviewer at a job with, as I have, something of a soft spot and certainly a particular appreciation of the quietly sensitive and introverted creature! By the law of averages one must surely exist out there somewhere. Perhaps though I just be too hard on myself and I'm not really doing so bad at life as I imagines. Erm, well if that be the case then really, if this is what life actually is I'm not really sure it's altoghether what you might actually describe as worth it! Heh, well I expect I could continue to talk myself round in circles on the matter, and doubtless yet will again in journal entries to come, but I just hope that somewhere along the line I shall be able to author myself a story of some greater narrative coherency and sense. Of course that might require a collaboration of some sort but, um, I guess I said that already.
So, anywho, this week. Well I had me a weekend staying with parents now back in the caravan and a fluffy kitty most happy to see the return of his food sources. The beast was indeed quite meowy and snuggly and not a little clambery when it came time for dinner and he wanted to get over our shoulders to the tasty chicken that sat on our plates and smelled so tastily of meats! It was nice to get out of the town though I find myself surrounded by fields and green and have more little fluttery birds outside the window. Wandering through town on a grey and chill day today I saw the now quite regular sight of the little skittery turnstone that has taken up residence in the train station car park which is a sweet but somewhat more troubling thing to see than the colourful finches that jostle and fight at the birdfeeders around the caravan. For one thing, this little turnstone is missing a foot although this doesn't seem to slow it down any, but perhaps more curious is to what this little shore bird is finding to eat in the train station car park although as it seems to consistently be there and consistently not dead then it must be finding something. It's a bit of a mysterious puzzle though and certainly a somewhat strangely melancholic sight. However I digress, and what I was going to say was that this weekend I shall be returning to the relative quiet tranquilities of the van which should this time be even quieter and more tranquil as parents are going to be away in Sheffield for it be my little nephew's 2nd birthday and whilst they are away I will be providing kitty with his meaty kibbles and companionable snuggles. It's a prospect I do look forward to, and certainly hopes the time will allow me some helpful rejuvenations, but it also comes with its own complications in that it shall makes it tricksier to do my preparatory works for the next scheduled Scarborough appointment (which is very definitely scheduled for Monday!) and of course the thought of which may in itself weigh unhelpfully upon me and leave me somewhat distracted from getting the most out of any potential rejuvenations I could happen upon whilst I be there. Hm, is that not unreasonable I wonder? Which is to say would it likely be the same for anyone else in that position or is there something particularly obsessive or over sensitive in my thoughts on the matter? Would anyone else make a better job out of this free time than I might? Well, doubtless someone would, but would most do so, without having to really thinks about it to the extent that I have to force myself into? Such are questions I wonder at, if I don't know what real use to me any answers might prove, but in any case hopefully I can yet have me a nice weekend ahead, spending a pleasant and quiet time on my own in the countryside with a friendly kitty beast and not too much in the way to distract me.
As mentioned previously though, this week has also featured the usual shop and Coliseum stuffs too. Sunday at the shop proved a fairly busy day with takings nosing above £300 for the first time since I can't quite rememeber. Things weren't much helped by my helper elf arriving rather late again and then shuffling off for lunch after having been there for little more than hour! Hmpf. Still, at least this time around I didn't have me any difficulties with change and by and large the day passed fairly smoothly save for a couple of customers being confused by the signs on our delightful new display of underwears which advertise 'New Accessories from only £1.99!' at it's top. In this case though I think I'm somewhat on the side of the customers since the word 'from' is in such particularly small type it really does appear to give off the impression that everything on the stand beneath is at that price which it very much isn't. Far be it from me to be critical of the motives of a charity but it does seem a somewhat cynical ploy. Apparently though, the visit from the big cheese to the shop didn't go too badly and I'm told he was quite struck with the attractiveness of the book display and indeed the 18% yield I'm told we get from it, a figure which is apparently unheard of anywhere else in the organisation. So it is then a plan has been hatched to move some of our books from the side walls they currently inhabit to the back, replacing the music and DVDs that currently live there and yield a meager 6%, so our attractive display may be more obvious and enticing when seen through the window from outside. We're also getting a shiny new shelving unit to display in the window itself as well as an additional pricing gun which will be much helps as things did get a little awkward at times, having only one. In the meantime, we also got ourselves a whole bunch of unsettlingly anatomic naked human torsos which, when unsettlingly bolted together with bits of metal, form a new trio of models to display our very poshest outfits in the window and which proved an entertaining challenge to piece together on Tuesday. So anyways, new stuff is afoot in the shop and also at the Coliseum with the new man continuing to do apparently necessary alterations to the computers in the café, now no longer networked together and with a bunch of different clean up and maintenance softwares installed. What difference it may make to operations remain to be seen. We now have TeamViewer to access other computers rather than doing so through the LAN (apparently this is more secure and, erm, betterer) and hopefully we can yet has the printer and scanner set up without too much tricksiness but we shall see what may be seen. In the meanwhile too, we wait to see what the results of our funding application may be too. I would be nice to be able to provide our courses for free again, and apparently there are a bunch of folk signed up to take part already if we do, but it was supposedly limited to the poorest 10% and apparently Whitby has one ward which is in the poorest 11% in the country but that is obviously not quite the same thing. Oh well, as with much of everything else, we shall indeed see what shall be seen.
By and large though this week I really haven't been able to much shake the feeling that I've not been doing nearly as much as I should. Meanwhile though I've felt myself a wearied creature so when I have got home from a day poking at keyboard or computer my tangled brains haven't had the concentrations required to get stuffs done and much has just felt rather awkward and tangled. I've done a fair bit of reading, played a bunch of Guild Wars 2, but I hasn't nearly got as much done as I feel like I should when I have got my home from my pretend work. Hm, I don't know if should expect any better though. Or maybe I expect too much in feeling like I ought to have everything done already? Outside agencies may share their observations on that should they wish but these days I do get somewhat frustratingly confused. Mayhap I needs to be more disciplined and make myself do things rather than following the same lazy routine and path of least resistance. On the other hand I don't seem to get much further with trying to make myself change however strongly and clearly I might think it so mayhap that isn't the way. Maybe I should be more accepting of what I am and positive about myself but then trying to get myself to think that way doesn't really help either. Mayhap it's some balance of the two but, erm, yeah. Well I guess everyone is just always trying their best to get who they are to fit into whatever world they finds themselves in at least some reasonably workable fashion? And maybe it's easier for some than for others and maybe that's just how it is and however much I might obssess about it I'm not going to change that. Still, whilst I has a hopefully tranquil weekend ahead of me I'm not much looking forward to Monday wherein I will be going to Scarborough in the morning then I have an appointment with the jobcentre in Whitby in the afternoon so besides everything else I has to trust the buses run to time and right now, after everything else, I am perhaps just a bit more nervous about something going wrong than I might usually be. And I'm usually quite nervous enough to begin with. Perhaps anyone bouncing between these different scary things would have a hard time of it, if they were a creature of such sensitivties as me. Maybe somewhere there is a less thoughtful and less solitary soul who is currently not writing about their wish for a more socially exciting and a less intellectual but more precarious existence but then that sort of person is probably not thinking about things to quite same nauseating lengths as I do! Hm, in the meanwhile though I still needs to make myself an appointment to check up on the progress of my pretend fangs as well but whilst the making of dental appointments remain in my thoughts I shall yet needs a somewhat quieter world to allow me to gather the strengths to actually go and make it.
Still, hopefully I shall get that done at some point much as I hope I will survive the delights of Monday and whatever else the next week may have to offer for me. Presently though everything remains a bit too much more than my brains, such as they are, seem really capable of comfortably dealing with. As one last little observation though, when it comes to playing Guild Wars 2 lately, it's been striking how much that seems to relax me when I gets into it. A few times this week I have logged in to the game feeling a bit of an achy and awkward puppy, thinking I might just see if I can play a little, but I have finished with a far more placid and quieter mind, the aches from my body gone and feeling rather less wearied and run down than I had when I started. It's just a bit odd really. Ok, so puppy is an introvert and thus I am energised by more solitary activities and drained by social interactions but it almost slightly annoys that this activity that makes me feel so much more rested and positive than much anything else is such an entirely pointless and meaningless one as this unreal game. Hm, it's no dreadful sin I suppose but it would be nice if some more concretely constructive and creative thing could make me feel that way too. Heh, it's not even as if I really take much part of in the social aspect of this massively multiplayer game, even if I do play alongside a bunch of other people and actually was part of a group for at least a whole five minutes last night, I'm nearly playing all of it entirely solo. It's harmless fun though so mayhap I should condemn myself for the time I waste playings it and perhaps I should just accept it's calming affects as a positive thing without so much questioning. Hm, I does still bug me somewhat though. Still, my tree dude and his pet wolf are now at the giddy heights of level 80 and still exploring and looking into deeper aspects of crafting and getting shinier things whilst I ponder trying out a different character to see how that works. Maybe I'll get lucky and make a friend somewhere in game and join a guild and finds me some more solid sense of connection between self and place as I continues in my wanderings. I could say much the same of my travels in what passes for the real world too I supposes. Well for now though I has me an evening ahead watching Charlie Brooker then catching up on current affairs with Question Time and the dubious delights of This Week. Maybe before the night closes I'll see if I can't see what new job vacancies might be circling before catching up with exciting word games on Facebook and returning to my fantasy adventures should I have any strength left. Then after Friday at the shop, a tranquil weekend with a kitty awaits. Hopefully it will be good and positive and rejuvenatings. I'll see what I might do to make it so in any case, and in the meantime be sendings out best wishes of sparkles and fluffiness to all folk out there and hopes you all gets whatever flavour of weekend might be your own sort of delight. I'll be letting you know I gets on. Ooh, sparkles!
- Arthur Schopenhauer, 'On the Freedom of the Will' (Über die Freiheit des menschlichen Willens), 1839.
The world continues to turn and puppy stumbles on with his pale parody of a life. Admittedly I don't really have much comprehension of what it ought to look like but certainly I continue to have some difficulty in getting mine to look like the ones in the pictures. Indeed my brains is hardly short of pictures and theories and thoughts of things rarely seem to work out in such a fashion. Of course though, whether or not the pictures themselves provide that much of an especially accurate perspective is another matter. Probably reading all those New Scientist articles that shared the latest evidence suggesting that our concepts of time, free will and even our sense of self are largely illusory or at least function very little like our commonplace sense of these things might have us imagine. An intermittent squidgy migraine has been of very much assistance either this week though presently that at least seems to have reasonably quietened down. Mostly though methinks I just be too wearied of the entertainments of the week gone by and unhelpfully fixated on the prospects of what might lie ahead to craft anything particularly useful out of this week wherein the demands upon my will be somewhat lighter. Which is just a little bit of a disappointment really. I though certainly hoped to make rather more of this time I have had between the scary things to take a few more positive steps forward than I quite seem to have proved able. For all my thinkings on the matter I yet finds myself distracted by the world and my brains suddenly getting themselves into some strangely intractable tangle when I moves to try and do much of anything. I wonder somewhat at the cause of it all, I don't much likes to think that I really has anything inherently unusual in my brains since that might suggest there would be little I could do and indeed, I'm not I particularly warrants and special treatment compared to any other human. So I'm left with some error in my thinkings, but I'm not such an unintelligent creature and it should seem that I knows more or less what I ought to be doing, or it is the unpleasantness of my anxiety pushing me back and the lack of any real sense of an award not pushing me forward. I do know however something of the kinds of magic and pleasure that the living and the world can entail so why isn't that enough to spur me onwards? Hm, I puzzle as to quite what I'm missing. Why can it not be that I can't seem to just choose to make myself do stuff as I know that I should? Perhaps there is something in that when growing up I would find that what I wanted to do and be would be undesirable to someone and thus somehow I assume that whatever I may do it will be the wrong thing? If that is the case though, and I'm not entirely convinced that it is crux of anything, then surely I should be able to rewrite that part of me? Either ways though, I'm clearly mistaken in my perspectives about something, but I suppose since I only have this broken glass to look through I'm not going to see myself quite how it is broken. I wonder then if I'm going to get anywhere then I needs some outside agency, be that be human intervention or by some unconscious fortune if I am to make any real progress. In the meanwhile though, well, I can but keep trying as best I may and hopefully at some point I will manage to do something.
Not that have done nothing this week by any means. I has poked about at the Coliseum and padded around at the shop but sadly these things don't themselves seem to hold much in the way of worth when it comes to assisting me in the creation of any sense of security in my world, nor solid ground on which to place my paws or indeed any greater clarity in my potentially illusory sense of self. Regardless of what I might do there at any of these places I remain unemployed and thus at the mercy of the whims of various scary agencies, or at least agencies that invoke a reponse of fear. Hm, it's an additionally sad thing perhaps that sometimes it seems that it be only this very immediate sense of threat and fear that can actually spur me into dynamic actions, whereas in quieter times the more positive motivations don't seem to move me nearly as much. I feel like I know it should, but it doesn't. Equally I can neither seem to get the concept of prevention being better than cure into my head either so I seem rather reluctant to take the sort of preparatory steps that might help me avoid the excessive threat and unpleasantness before I gets to it. My nature is very strongly geared towards the avoidance of such things that make me feels uncomfortable and thus doing stuffs to face it feels like it be distinctly unnatural. Still why should in continue to do so, despite all I know and make myself to do? Meanwhile it would seem I do be somewhat oversensitive and certainly a natural introvert, so it is I feel drained by activities out in the world amongst the peoples and rather more rejuvenated by quieter spaces and periods. Perhaps this world is not naturally made for an introvert like me, but on the other hand that's hardly any kind of crime either and surely there should be a place for a creature as me just as much as more outgoing types? Hm, presently I find myself reading Pratchett and I'm somewhat struck how in the fantasy of the Discworld eccentric characters excel when they finds themselves in their own tailor, or rather author made niche. Hm, well the world is not authored that straightforwardly perhaps but on the other hand it is also quite big so I should hope there is yet a niche that would fit me out there somewhere. Heh, maybe I need to find me an interviewer at a job with, as I have, something of a soft spot and certainly a particular appreciation of the quietly sensitive and introverted creature! By the law of averages one must surely exist out there somewhere. Perhaps though I just be too hard on myself and I'm not really doing so bad at life as I imagines. Erm, well if that be the case then really, if this is what life actually is I'm not really sure it's altoghether what you might actually describe as worth it! Heh, well I expect I could continue to talk myself round in circles on the matter, and doubtless yet will again in journal entries to come, but I just hope that somewhere along the line I shall be able to author myself a story of some greater narrative coherency and sense. Of course that might require a collaboration of some sort but, um, I guess I said that already.
So, anywho, this week. Well I had me a weekend staying with parents now back in the caravan and a fluffy kitty most happy to see the return of his food sources. The beast was indeed quite meowy and snuggly and not a little clambery when it came time for dinner and he wanted to get over our shoulders to the tasty chicken that sat on our plates and smelled so tastily of meats! It was nice to get out of the town though I find myself surrounded by fields and green and have more little fluttery birds outside the window. Wandering through town on a grey and chill day today I saw the now quite regular sight of the little skittery turnstone that has taken up residence in the train station car park which is a sweet but somewhat more troubling thing to see than the colourful finches that jostle and fight at the birdfeeders around the caravan. For one thing, this little turnstone is missing a foot although this doesn't seem to slow it down any, but perhaps more curious is to what this little shore bird is finding to eat in the train station car park although as it seems to consistently be there and consistently not dead then it must be finding something. It's a bit of a mysterious puzzle though and certainly a somewhat strangely melancholic sight. However I digress, and what I was going to say was that this weekend I shall be returning to the relative quiet tranquilities of the van which should this time be even quieter and more tranquil as parents are going to be away in Sheffield for it be my little nephew's 2nd birthday and whilst they are away I will be providing kitty with his meaty kibbles and companionable snuggles. It's a prospect I do look forward to, and certainly hopes the time will allow me some helpful rejuvenations, but it also comes with its own complications in that it shall makes it tricksier to do my preparatory works for the next scheduled Scarborough appointment (which is very definitely scheduled for Monday!) and of course the thought of which may in itself weigh unhelpfully upon me and leave me somewhat distracted from getting the most out of any potential rejuvenations I could happen upon whilst I be there. Hm, is that not unreasonable I wonder? Which is to say would it likely be the same for anyone else in that position or is there something particularly obsessive or over sensitive in my thoughts on the matter? Would anyone else make a better job out of this free time than I might? Well, doubtless someone would, but would most do so, without having to really thinks about it to the extent that I have to force myself into? Such are questions I wonder at, if I don't know what real use to me any answers might prove, but in any case hopefully I can yet have me a nice weekend ahead, spending a pleasant and quiet time on my own in the countryside with a friendly kitty beast and not too much in the way to distract me.
As mentioned previously though, this week has also featured the usual shop and Coliseum stuffs too. Sunday at the shop proved a fairly busy day with takings nosing above £300 for the first time since I can't quite rememeber. Things weren't much helped by my helper elf arriving rather late again and then shuffling off for lunch after having been there for little more than hour! Hmpf. Still, at least this time around I didn't have me any difficulties with change and by and large the day passed fairly smoothly save for a couple of customers being confused by the signs on our delightful new display of underwears which advertise 'New Accessories from only £1.99!' at it's top. In this case though I think I'm somewhat on the side of the customers since the word 'from' is in such particularly small type it really does appear to give off the impression that everything on the stand beneath is at that price which it very much isn't. Far be it from me to be critical of the motives of a charity but it does seem a somewhat cynical ploy. Apparently though, the visit from the big cheese to the shop didn't go too badly and I'm told he was quite struck with the attractiveness of the book display and indeed the 18% yield I'm told we get from it, a figure which is apparently unheard of anywhere else in the organisation. So it is then a plan has been hatched to move some of our books from the side walls they currently inhabit to the back, replacing the music and DVDs that currently live there and yield a meager 6%, so our attractive display may be more obvious and enticing when seen through the window from outside. We're also getting a shiny new shelving unit to display in the window itself as well as an additional pricing gun which will be much helps as things did get a little awkward at times, having only one. In the meantime, we also got ourselves a whole bunch of unsettlingly anatomic naked human torsos which, when unsettlingly bolted together with bits of metal, form a new trio of models to display our very poshest outfits in the window and which proved an entertaining challenge to piece together on Tuesday. So anyways, new stuff is afoot in the shop and also at the Coliseum with the new man continuing to do apparently necessary alterations to the computers in the café, now no longer networked together and with a bunch of different clean up and maintenance softwares installed. What difference it may make to operations remain to be seen. We now have TeamViewer to access other computers rather than doing so through the LAN (apparently this is more secure and, erm, betterer) and hopefully we can yet has the printer and scanner set up without too much tricksiness but we shall see what may be seen. In the meanwhile too, we wait to see what the results of our funding application may be too. I would be nice to be able to provide our courses for free again, and apparently there are a bunch of folk signed up to take part already if we do, but it was supposedly limited to the poorest 10% and apparently Whitby has one ward which is in the poorest 11% in the country but that is obviously not quite the same thing. Oh well, as with much of everything else, we shall indeed see what shall be seen.
By and large though this week I really haven't been able to much shake the feeling that I've not been doing nearly as much as I should. Meanwhile though I've felt myself a wearied creature so when I have got home from a day poking at keyboard or computer my tangled brains haven't had the concentrations required to get stuffs done and much has just felt rather awkward and tangled. I've done a fair bit of reading, played a bunch of Guild Wars 2, but I hasn't nearly got as much done as I feel like I should when I have got my home from my pretend work. Hm, I don't know if should expect any better though. Or maybe I expect too much in feeling like I ought to have everything done already? Outside agencies may share their observations on that should they wish but these days I do get somewhat frustratingly confused. Mayhap I needs to be more disciplined and make myself do things rather than following the same lazy routine and path of least resistance. On the other hand I don't seem to get much further with trying to make myself change however strongly and clearly I might think it so mayhap that isn't the way. Maybe I should be more accepting of what I am and positive about myself but then trying to get myself to think that way doesn't really help either. Mayhap it's some balance of the two but, erm, yeah. Well I guess everyone is just always trying their best to get who they are to fit into whatever world they finds themselves in at least some reasonably workable fashion? And maybe it's easier for some than for others and maybe that's just how it is and however much I might obssess about it I'm not going to change that. Still, whilst I has a hopefully tranquil weekend ahead of me I'm not much looking forward to Monday wherein I will be going to Scarborough in the morning then I have an appointment with the jobcentre in Whitby in the afternoon so besides everything else I has to trust the buses run to time and right now, after everything else, I am perhaps just a bit more nervous about something going wrong than I might usually be. And I'm usually quite nervous enough to begin with. Perhaps anyone bouncing between these different scary things would have a hard time of it, if they were a creature of such sensitivties as me. Maybe somewhere there is a less thoughtful and less solitary soul who is currently not writing about their wish for a more socially exciting and a less intellectual but more precarious existence but then that sort of person is probably not thinking about things to quite same nauseating lengths as I do! Hm, in the meanwhile though I still needs to make myself an appointment to check up on the progress of my pretend fangs as well but whilst the making of dental appointments remain in my thoughts I shall yet needs a somewhat quieter world to allow me to gather the strengths to actually go and make it.
Still, hopefully I shall get that done at some point much as I hope I will survive the delights of Monday and whatever else the next week may have to offer for me. Presently though everything remains a bit too much more than my brains, such as they are, seem really capable of comfortably dealing with. As one last little observation though, when it comes to playing Guild Wars 2 lately, it's been striking how much that seems to relax me when I gets into it. A few times this week I have logged in to the game feeling a bit of an achy and awkward puppy, thinking I might just see if I can play a little, but I have finished with a far more placid and quieter mind, the aches from my body gone and feeling rather less wearied and run down than I had when I started. It's just a bit odd really. Ok, so puppy is an introvert and thus I am energised by more solitary activities and drained by social interactions but it almost slightly annoys that this activity that makes me feel so much more rested and positive than much anything else is such an entirely pointless and meaningless one as this unreal game. Hm, it's no dreadful sin I suppose but it would be nice if some more concretely constructive and creative thing could make me feel that way too. Heh, it's not even as if I really take much part of in the social aspect of this massively multiplayer game, even if I do play alongside a bunch of other people and actually was part of a group for at least a whole five minutes last night, I'm nearly playing all of it entirely solo. It's harmless fun though so mayhap I should condemn myself for the time I waste playings it and perhaps I should just accept it's calming affects as a positive thing without so much questioning. Hm, I does still bug me somewhat though. Still, my tree dude and his pet wolf are now at the giddy heights of level 80 and still exploring and looking into deeper aspects of crafting and getting shinier things whilst I ponder trying out a different character to see how that works. Maybe I'll get lucky and make a friend somewhere in game and join a guild and finds me some more solid sense of connection between self and place as I continues in my wanderings. I could say much the same of my travels in what passes for the real world too I supposes. Well for now though I has me an evening ahead watching Charlie Brooker then catching up on current affairs with Question Time and the dubious delights of This Week. Maybe before the night closes I'll see if I can't see what new job vacancies might be circling before catching up with exciting word games on Facebook and returning to my fantasy adventures should I have any strength left. Then after Friday at the shop, a tranquil weekend with a kitty awaits. Hopefully it will be good and positive and rejuvenatings. I'll see what I might do to make it so in any case, and in the meantime be sendings out best wishes of sparkles and fluffiness to all folk out there and hopes you all gets whatever flavour of weekend might be your own sort of delight. I'll be letting you know I gets on. Ooh, sparkles!