This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things
My, but I do thinks I shall be glad to see the end of this week! Of course I wasn't that particularly keen on seeing it beginning either but even then I didn't quite imagine it turning out the way it did. Somehow or other I managed to get my schedule just a little mixed up in brain and so the appointment in Scarborough that I thought was set for Wednesday turned out to have been on a Tuesday instead! This I discovered on Tuesday lunchtime just conveniently after the time had passed for me to be there and thus threw me into a considerably flappy panic for the next few days. Heh, still I suppose it was perhaps a more active state of mind than the cold dread I had previously been stuck in, if maybe yet not exactly in the manner which I might have really appreciated. I'm still not entirely sure quite how I managed to make the error but I guess I just must have got myself confused in amongst preparations at the shop for the visit of the big cheese, work towards a funding application deadline at the Coliseum and the prospect of a visit by the window people here at the flat. Besides that I imagines that the previous appointments that I've had to rearranged may have further confused the issue in my little brains. In the end then, it just all proved a little too much for my overly sensitive brain to all keep track of and so I got me a little mixed up. The good news at least is that now, after a series of grovelling apologies, that I won't be receiving any terrible sanction for my oversight, I has a new appointment scheduled in two week's time and things may proceed as normal. Not, admittedly, that I can say I'm altogether fond of normal and if nothing else this little incident mayhap shows that I must somehow find me a ways to disentangle the mess of my brains preferably sooner rather than later. Indeed, whilst this was an honest human mistake I yet wonder whether the antipathy of my subconscious at facing these things in some way made me subtly more prone to making this mistake, a Freudian slip in its way. It's no less unhelpful to me than the persistent innate pressure I gets from my feelings to avoid doing the things I knows I need to do. Still, whether I'm any more likely to learn anything from this incident than I have been able to do from all the times I have survived these scary things without being eaten by tigers rather remains to be seen. Whilst the end result might be positive for me, I now find myself somewhat worried my senses might see that it got away with it and yet be even less likely to have a go at doing the stuffs I ought to. Well, I suppose it's up to me to try and combat that instinct, much as it ever has been really. Either ways, it seems the world goes on turning as normal once again.
Oddly enough, the week didn't start out really that badly. Monday morning I made the phonecall I had been asked to make to confirm with the window people, and then I shuffled out to Coliseumland where I made use of cunning language skills to help construct a suitable form of words to go on the charity's latest funding application. If we gets it we may perhaps be able to go back to offering our computer courses to the local community for free as we had done previously. There is something of a question mark over whether we will get the grant or not however as last time it was limited to the poorest 20% of council wards in the British Isles (of which Whitby has two) but now it has been cut back to the poorest 10%. So it may be that, although poor, we are not quite poor enough to qualify for the government's assistance. Somehow that almost seems like the story of someone's life but that is how it be. Anywho, the deadline for that funding application was Wednesday, so maybe that is how I got the Scarborough thing confused in my head. Anyways, that had seemed like a reasonable day, of course until it all changed the next and I realised the mistake I had made. Then I had little choice to send me off a grovelling apologetic email before grabbing together as much of the wits I had left and heading off to the shop where our area manager was busy annoying everyone, trying to make sure everything was shiny and correct for the visit of the number 2 in the entire retail division that would come on. Whilst I poked at the till and assisted my assistant in herding the books there was much toing and froing and rearranging of things so that every unhelpful and unworkable procedure was being followed to the most pointless letter. If the big cheese wanted to see what typical daily life in one his charity shops be like, he won't be getting one here and I wait with some small interest to see how it all went when I goes back down on Friday and what sort of helpful and out of touch suggestions he might make on how a charity shop with a staff of only 7 should ensure that everything that requires doing can be. I did briefly trundle by the place earlier this morning and was mildly amused to note that rather more of my books have unnecessary stickers on than they had previously. Still, having stayed behind until six to make sure all the book displays were up to date and giving myself a highly unpleasant and squidgy migraine in the process, on top of all my other appointment stress, they can really do what they like. It's not as though as I get paid for doing any of it. Still, I do feel rather sorry for our manager who has been forced to put so much exhausting extra work in for this royal visit that I do really hopes that everything will have gone well for her. Well, I shall see when I gets down there tomorrow I suppose.
Anyways, I missed Wednesday morning at the Coliseum though not for the reason of having to be in Scarborough as I had explained to them I would be absent on Monday, but instead for sending more emails and clarifying the situation of having forgotten my appointment on Tuesday! That morning though I had received a grumpy, formal letter reminding of my responsibilities and providing me with a rearranged time and date for an appointment in two week's time but seemingly not enforcing any strict sanction right now. Still being somewhat unnerved and not entirely certain I made phonecalls and sent another email, but indeed it does turn out that I am not to be punished this time and the life, insofar as I can call it that, goes on. Heh, funny I was able to get myself to make a phonecall then, nervous as I was about it, but it's so much harder to do so for more positive reasons. Or should that be, so much easier to avoid. Either ways, if nothing else it leads me even more to bitterly curse the frustration of my stupidly back to front nature. I only hope that I can yet make some real productive progress and that this isn't just going to reinforce my fears and instinct to avoids the unpleasant things rather than face them. Certainly I don't imagine it's going to have done much for my overall sense of self worth or my faith in my abilities. One way or another, if I am ever going to make any real progress in my world and construct for myself a world in which I can feel a reasonable level of contentment then I must somehow overcome my excessive emotional reactions and oversensitivity. As it be, too much of the regular business of living feels unnecessarily unpleasant however much I know myself it has no business being, and the rewards I may get from facing up to it and trying to do these things seem much less than the ease and relief my nerves make feel when I don't think about and avoid making the preparations and doing the stuff I needs. My nature has the world entirely back to front, and it continues to do so even though I can clearly see just how wrong it is. At the moment too, my instincts and my nature seem to be a far stronger thing than my intellect and personal will and, by and large with some small helpful or unhelpful additions of fortune and fate, this is why I can't have nice things. Somehow though I has to find some ways of overcoming all that, but as I sit here right now I'm still rather uncertain quite how I might manage it. I have tried telling myself over and over again my fears are needless but I continue to feel them, still I don't know what much more I can do on my own than keep trying to make the efforts to do the scary things and keep telling myself of my capabilities, though it does grow increasingly hollow doing so. Mayhap somehow though I might manage to make the difference. I really don't know at the moment, but what more can I do but keeps trying?
Sitting here right now though I am almost somewhat beset by an additional confusion in that, after all the preparations I has made for the window people coming today, I would seem not to have had any visitors! I has tidied and moved my furnitures but no one has come to measure my panes of glass. Or at least I don't thinks they have anyways. Around the hour that they were due to arrive there was a human that came to the door, and I was about to go lets them in but then there was a light in the hallway and some other person went to the door. So I assumed they had been let in. Since then however I have heard the odd noise and someone on the phone in the hallway but that is about it. No knock on my door as yet, certainly no sign of the landlady who I would have thought would have wanted to be here when they came. She showed the man round last time. So I don't know, after having survived one confusing and frightening mental lapse I don't really have the energy left to spend much time contemplating this one. All I had was a little scrap of paper under my door telling me to be to ensure to be in at 4:30 today, and that I was, so I have at least fulfilled my part of this bargain. If they wanted any more than that then they ought to have been more clear and specific. Hmpf. Well, it's hardly the most terrible thing that has happened to me this week, but now I'm just looking for the world to go on in a manner that hopefully won't be entirely as normal. On Friday though, parents will be moving back from the little place around the corner where they have been this past month and back to the caravan and I shall be off there for the weekend to spend some time in what I hopes to be a more quiet and tranquil environment, surrounded by green fields, river, tweeting birds and a fluffy black and white kitty cat, brimming over with extra affections and sociability after all the time he had been left on his little lonesome! Hopefully that may help me feels a little more human again and then this next week I may be able to set myself into doing good new things that actually are constructive and positive and I might feels like I'm actually getting somewhere. Well, it's a thought I suppose. In the meanwhile though there has also just been released the February patch for Guild Wars 2, introducing yet more content for the game for me to play with which is pretty good timing since my little tree dude and his pet wolfy have just lately hit the level cap although that really has less meaning in this game than it might in other MMORPGs. Either ways, there's fun new stuff for me to explore there and mayhap I'll have more pretty pictures of imaginary scenerey to share shortly, and depending on how the wildlife behaves over the weekend, maybe even real scenery too! For now though, time to shuffle off and see what I might do to piece back together my shattered personality! I must again say how appreciative a little puppy I be for all the helpful supports I has had from you helpful supportive folks and I trusts that the world be treating all you peoples with all the kindness that is your due. I'll be seeing you further down the line, and hopefully still keeps clinging to at least some degree of life and sanity. Imma keep trying to see if I can't makes it a little better though. No promises, but imma has a go. Wish me luck anyways, and for my part imma be sendings out all the sparkliest and fluffiest wishes my own little paws has strengths and means to share.
Oddly enough, the week didn't start out really that badly. Monday morning I made the phonecall I had been asked to make to confirm with the window people, and then I shuffled out to Coliseumland where I made use of cunning language skills to help construct a suitable form of words to go on the charity's latest funding application. If we gets it we may perhaps be able to go back to offering our computer courses to the local community for free as we had done previously. There is something of a question mark over whether we will get the grant or not however as last time it was limited to the poorest 20% of council wards in the British Isles (of which Whitby has two) but now it has been cut back to the poorest 10%. So it may be that, although poor, we are not quite poor enough to qualify for the government's assistance. Somehow that almost seems like the story of someone's life but that is how it be. Anywho, the deadline for that funding application was Wednesday, so maybe that is how I got the Scarborough thing confused in my head. Anyways, that had seemed like a reasonable day, of course until it all changed the next and I realised the mistake I had made. Then I had little choice to send me off a grovelling apologetic email before grabbing together as much of the wits I had left and heading off to the shop where our area manager was busy annoying everyone, trying to make sure everything was shiny and correct for the visit of the number 2 in the entire retail division that would come on. Whilst I poked at the till and assisted my assistant in herding the books there was much toing and froing and rearranging of things so that every unhelpful and unworkable procedure was being followed to the most pointless letter. If the big cheese wanted to see what typical daily life in one his charity shops be like, he won't be getting one here and I wait with some small interest to see how it all went when I goes back down on Friday and what sort of helpful and out of touch suggestions he might make on how a charity shop with a staff of only 7 should ensure that everything that requires doing can be. I did briefly trundle by the place earlier this morning and was mildly amused to note that rather more of my books have unnecessary stickers on than they had previously. Still, having stayed behind until six to make sure all the book displays were up to date and giving myself a highly unpleasant and squidgy migraine in the process, on top of all my other appointment stress, they can really do what they like. It's not as though as I get paid for doing any of it. Still, I do feel rather sorry for our manager who has been forced to put so much exhausting extra work in for this royal visit that I do really hopes that everything will have gone well for her. Well, I shall see when I gets down there tomorrow I suppose.
Anyways, I missed Wednesday morning at the Coliseum though not for the reason of having to be in Scarborough as I had explained to them I would be absent on Monday, but instead for sending more emails and clarifying the situation of having forgotten my appointment on Tuesday! That morning though I had received a grumpy, formal letter reminding of my responsibilities and providing me with a rearranged time and date for an appointment in two week's time but seemingly not enforcing any strict sanction right now. Still being somewhat unnerved and not entirely certain I made phonecalls and sent another email, but indeed it does turn out that I am not to be punished this time and the life, insofar as I can call it that, goes on. Heh, funny I was able to get myself to make a phonecall then, nervous as I was about it, but it's so much harder to do so for more positive reasons. Or should that be, so much easier to avoid. Either ways, if nothing else it leads me even more to bitterly curse the frustration of my stupidly back to front nature. I only hope that I can yet make some real productive progress and that this isn't just going to reinforce my fears and instinct to avoids the unpleasant things rather than face them. Certainly I don't imagine it's going to have done much for my overall sense of self worth or my faith in my abilities. One way or another, if I am ever going to make any real progress in my world and construct for myself a world in which I can feel a reasonable level of contentment then I must somehow overcome my excessive emotional reactions and oversensitivity. As it be, too much of the regular business of living feels unnecessarily unpleasant however much I know myself it has no business being, and the rewards I may get from facing up to it and trying to do these things seem much less than the ease and relief my nerves make feel when I don't think about and avoid making the preparations and doing the stuff I needs. My nature has the world entirely back to front, and it continues to do so even though I can clearly see just how wrong it is. At the moment too, my instincts and my nature seem to be a far stronger thing than my intellect and personal will and, by and large with some small helpful or unhelpful additions of fortune and fate, this is why I can't have nice things. Somehow though I has to find some ways of overcoming all that, but as I sit here right now I'm still rather uncertain quite how I might manage it. I have tried telling myself over and over again my fears are needless but I continue to feel them, still I don't know what much more I can do on my own than keep trying to make the efforts to do the scary things and keep telling myself of my capabilities, though it does grow increasingly hollow doing so. Mayhap somehow though I might manage to make the difference. I really don't know at the moment, but what more can I do but keeps trying?
Sitting here right now though I am almost somewhat beset by an additional confusion in that, after all the preparations I has made for the window people coming today, I would seem not to have had any visitors! I has tidied and moved my furnitures but no one has come to measure my panes of glass. Or at least I don't thinks they have anyways. Around the hour that they were due to arrive there was a human that came to the door, and I was about to go lets them in but then there was a light in the hallway and some other person went to the door. So I assumed they had been let in. Since then however I have heard the odd noise and someone on the phone in the hallway but that is about it. No knock on my door as yet, certainly no sign of the landlady who I would have thought would have wanted to be here when they came. She showed the man round last time. So I don't know, after having survived one confusing and frightening mental lapse I don't really have the energy left to spend much time contemplating this one. All I had was a little scrap of paper under my door telling me to be to ensure to be in at 4:30 today, and that I was, so I have at least fulfilled my part of this bargain. If they wanted any more than that then they ought to have been more clear and specific. Hmpf. Well, it's hardly the most terrible thing that has happened to me this week, but now I'm just looking for the world to go on in a manner that hopefully won't be entirely as normal. On Friday though, parents will be moving back from the little place around the corner where they have been this past month and back to the caravan and I shall be off there for the weekend to spend some time in what I hopes to be a more quiet and tranquil environment, surrounded by green fields, river, tweeting birds and a fluffy black and white kitty cat, brimming over with extra affections and sociability after all the time he had been left on his little lonesome! Hopefully that may help me feels a little more human again and then this next week I may be able to set myself into doing good new things that actually are constructive and positive and I might feels like I'm actually getting somewhere. Well, it's a thought I suppose. In the meanwhile though there has also just been released the February patch for Guild Wars 2, introducing yet more content for the game for me to play with which is pretty good timing since my little tree dude and his pet wolfy have just lately hit the level cap although that really has less meaning in this game than it might in other MMORPGs. Either ways, there's fun new stuff for me to explore there and mayhap I'll have more pretty pictures of imaginary scenerey to share shortly, and depending on how the wildlife behaves over the weekend, maybe even real scenery too! For now though, time to shuffle off and see what I might do to piece back together my shattered personality! I must again say how appreciative a little puppy I be for all the helpful supports I has had from you helpful supportive folks and I trusts that the world be treating all you peoples with all the kindness that is your due. I'll be seeing you further down the line, and hopefully still keeps clinging to at least some degree of life and sanity. Imma keep trying to see if I can't makes it a little better though. No promises, but imma has a go. Wish me luck anyways, and for my part imma be sendings out all the sparkliest and fluffiest wishes my own little paws has strengths and means to share.