Comments | wolfsinn: Tranquil loathing

wolfsinn

Tranquil loathing

May 06, 2011 06:30

I used to look forward to posting here. I would get the seed of inspiration in me from an event,.. or a particular thought,.. and let it fester. I would compose a rough draft in my mind of how to best posture the things I wanted to say. Even if the substance of what I was wanting to put text to was unpleasant, the process of arranging it in my ( Read more... )

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sheppdog May 6 2011, 15:09:14 UTC

As I read your post, I think back to simpler times. Back when it was you and harely and you could enjoy some of the simple things. I still have the picture you drew of me and wolph and cherish it as our first picture drawn together. You where fun to hangout with and we both enjoyed having you around. I miss those earlier days of my life. No one is perfect. Yet back then it seemed so much easier to accept someone as they where/are and just choose to see the good in some one ( ... )

wolfsinn May 6 2011, 16:38:13 UTC

Wolph is a sore subject with me. The last time we spoke it was through an alternative fantasy character of mine. We had discussed playing something and I was suddenly hit by a twinge of guilt. I did not know if he knew it was me or not and I thought to myself if it was me, I would want to know and thus told him before we got started,.. just so he knew,.. that it was me ( ... )

equinas May 7 2011, 03:11:41 UTC

There are two sides to every story. Matt is prone to exaggeration, to be sure. But, as you are fully insane, I would probably go with his version (which he has told me time and time again ad nauseum). But that's just me.

wolfsinn May 7 2011, 03:55:23 UTC

I get that. I don't blame others for how they see it. I lost you a long time ago and independent of a sense of active betrayal. Your opinion doesn't change what I went through and I fully do not expect you to understand or care.

equinas May 7 2011, 04:04:52 UTC

Actually, I care very much about both of you. And I never betrayed you, just pointed out where I thought you were on the wrong path. And it was only between you and me. You took that as a betrayal; I took it as being a (perhaps brutally) honest friend.

wolfsinn May 7 2011, 04:18:41 UTC

You don't /know/ me.
You cannot care about me in the absence of knowing who I am.
I concede you did not betray me,.. er,.. as I just said (confusion) no sense of active betrayal.
I don't take advice lightly,.. especially when it is so unfounded and contrary to my own perspective. What you say,.. it doesn't effect me other to reinforce the sense of distance between us and in a more general sense.

I was warm with you. Came to your place. Let you experience the love of my life,.. and then wandered off when the insistence of your curiosity proved too continually uncomfortable to me. I let it creep in and replace the warmth and return to being relative strangers again without a sense of hostility or ill will. If I had it to do over I just would never had made the connection to keep from having this lingering connection between us such that you think you know me or care about me.

equinas May 7 2011, 04:28:21 UTC

My "insistence of curiosity" was not intended to make you uncomfortable...you kept teasing me with bits and pieces of the things I was asking about, hinting with a wink that you would tell me more "later". So I kept asking. If you had just said you didn't want to talk about it, I would have let the matter drop immediately. Unfortunately, I'm not that adept at picking up on hints ( ... )

wolfsinn May 7 2011, 04:46:09 UTC

I did say as much.
more than once.
Which is why I stopped responding.

The implication, 'hints', and 'winks' was during the period I was warm with you,.. like a lot of things in my life the substance of it became something that was painful to me and sharing the details of it,.. well,.. just got to be too personal.

I am 'fully insane' and thus not able to process what you intend as care in a constructive manner. I am comfortable with just being open and honest with my regard towards that kind of thing, not to be insulting but to keep from there being any kind of misunderstanding with where I stand,.. apart and ghost-like.

sheppdog May 7 2011, 08:53:41 UTC

I don't hold howl you feel of matt against you. He was dumb and he told me what happened which seems to match up with what your saying for the most part. We both know his temper gets ahold of him and he says and does some stupid things. I'm use to it. I will also tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of my face. I don't let him get too crazy around me. But reguardless I can't say I wouldn't have acted to some degree like you did. Eventually it's time to put the past behind you. You don't have to talk to him again if you so choose. I like helping people out and he tends to need it alot so I do get some small measure of enjoyment out of it. Mostly cause I like to help his dogs out ( ... )

wolfsinn May 7 2011, 10:24:10 UTC

I used to feel like that too,.. feeding his dogs when he did not come home,.. having to place a dog he abandoned here, picking up the slack here and there when he was just too invested in other things,.. taking it with a grain of salt when one of his dogs got loose and tore up one of mine ( ... )

wolfsinn May 7 2011, 10:24:28 UTC

Used to I thought of as social awkwardness as the worst sort of potential consequence for letting someone get close to me and the bad taste it left in my mouth. But Matt showed me a whole other range of possibilities which has proven to me that my ability to assess the threat potential of others is too fundamentally flawed to let others get in ( ... )

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