Tranquil loathing
I used to look forward to posting here. I would get the seed of inspiration in me from an event,.. or a particular thought,.. and let it fester. I would compose a rough draft in my mind of how to best posture the things I wanted to say. Even if the substance of what I was wanting to put text to was unpleasant, the process of arranging it in my
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It got to be that 'helping' Matt and his dogs got to be a full time job that took precedence over anything I might have wanted to do. He left at one point to go live down in the valley and in the couple of months awy I rediscovered,... how nice it was without him and his shenanigans around to routinely mess up my day.
That is about the extent of forgiveness that I have in me for that kind of thing. Even though he left with a debt,.. even though he immediately began breaking ground rules,.. I still let him move in to the property a second time,.. and it's there where shit started getting really fucked. I doubt he gave you all the little details about how dusty died, how my RV's interior got wrecked, how the structure fire of his house got started, why Greg the mechanic slammed him against a wall, about why he lied about having welding light damage to his eyes in order to have to avoid looking at any one when he ate his last supper with me, Collin, D, and Katie, or the sort of favors he did for Mark. Heck,.. Ask him about stealing a dog out of Beth's yard and hiding it on my property under a different name,.. its not like I was the ONLY person he fucked over in that time.
It was not a slow gradual distancing that happened over not having a routine interaction, like what happened with you. I can let that kind of thing go without a lot of active ill will. Over time if there is not some sort of medium through which to enjoy a person with,.. I won't pretend that I continue to be intimately involved for appearance's sake.
With Matt it was an EXPLOSIVE sudden set of events that started off as a normal day and ended with me in a hotel on the other side of town with all my valuables, weapons, and dogs crammed into all the available space in the outback, going from place to place as people were looking for him or in a notable instance /ME/ in order to provide an explanation for why Matt had just done this fucked up thing to him.
With someone like you while I might resent having silence grown so thickly accumulated,.. but I am not beyond having a rational discussion or trying to make the best of an opportunity if there is some reason to do so. Its a whole other situation when someone like Matt (whose life I rescued at great risk to my own) threatens me to the point I fear for my own life and that of my dogs... it leaves an impression that doesn't go away. There is no forgiveness in my own personal code for that sort of behavior what so ever.
When you tell me that I can shut everyone out and that somehow eventually all of my doors will be broken down,... it just impresses upon me your total mis-appraisal of my situation. The reason I thrive out here in the middle of nothing is that I am not fulfilled by interaction with society,.. neither the conventional society of the square world, or the little social circles that crop up around extended groups of friends. Over time,.. those circles left me feeling like I was a creep, a weirdo, and expendable as a 'friend' which led to the only open doors for me to walk through being the ones that led me further away. That's not an absolute truth by any means,.. but certainly more so than not.
The friends I miss most were the ones I was very close to. Like lonewolf, Direwolf+Timber, slash-slash (too many years ago to compare to the thing we are now) not all the people I had a kind of fond regard for but were too involved with stuff to have the functioning of a friendship with me. I know it comes from the root of me being a distant person and horrible at socializing but,.. HEY! I am not that social of a person,.. not then and certainly not now.
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Matt was at one time more than a best friend in that he was always there and always needed some involvement (if not from me than by someone) he connected me in a vague way to his other support group members to get him,.. well,.. wherever or whatever the hell he needed for whatever master plan had caught his fancy. He always needed a little more out of those he depended on and having poured myself into the effort of it,.. I thought I had earned a particular favored regard by him. (as most of the people who are called upon to help him or his dogs do)
All that shit flew out the window though. Even in the middle of trying to help him he turned rabid on me in the blink of an eye and threatened to destroy everything I had built for myself here. So when I say I close doors off to people,.. that I have difficulty assessing their potential threat level to me,.. that I take a comfort from being away from the possibility of social contact out of a sense of preservation,.. I am not just amusing myself with a romanticized fallacy.
Whether I want to remember the good or bad,.. that's a forgone conclusion. I remember the time I answered the door and Matt was trying to hand me a loaded handgun telling me 'he did not trust himself with it' and having the total and sudden realization that it's barrel was pointed at my belly. And then later that same day him trying to force my locked door open. I remember the sound of the starting engine, and the panick of trying to get all the dogs in the area of the cabin I reckoned would be the least effected by a collapse and the best angle of fire through the front wall of my cabin.
That's the shit /I/ remember when it comes to Matt,.. that's a possibility I always have lurking in the back of my mind when considering making a new friend or inviting them to the place I dwell. While I can agree in essence with the good vibe point of view you are trying to offer me like advice I need in order to heal or move on,.. It's so far out of context to what I experience as my reality to feel alienated by it.
A closed door.
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