Tranquil loathing

[wolfsinn]

I used to look forward to posting here. I would get the seed of inspiration in me from an event,.. or a particular thought,.. and let it fester. I would compose a rough draft in my mind of how to best posture the things I wanted to say. Even if the substance of what I was wanting to put text to was unpleasant, the process of arranging it in my

Comments

[sheppdog]

As I read your post, I think back to simpler times. Back when it was you and harely and you could enjoy some of the simple things. I still have the picture you drew of me and wolph and cherish it as our first picture drawn together. You where fun to hangout with and we both enjoyed having you around. I miss those earlier days of my life. No one is perfect. Yet back then it seemed so much easier to accept someone as they where/are and just choose to see the good in some one.

We were no exception to the fact we all have flaws and sides we choose to keep close by, but yet hidden just under our own skin. I have my faults as do you my freind. We can not escape the fact we are human, even with our minds fighting it and telling us we are nothing like the rest.

Now that we have grown older we can look back and reflect on times of old, Maybe with a new sense of wisdom that we've gathered from our times, and lifes lessons learned. Tho as I do look back I see things much simpler and happier. Do we abandon what made us who we where then and conform to what we believe we are ending up? Can we not look past peoples mistakes, (some way more then otheres) and see they still have good in them but are very bad with howl they present them selves. We've all dealt with ones like that in one form or another. Some of us still choose to deal with him. Not because we feel we have too, but because we just choose to see past stupidness and still have our sense of compassion and understanding.

I'd never want to tell someone howl to feel as each life has it's own path and choices in the cycle of life. Tho I do believe anyone can take a wrong turn at a forked path and still choose to back track and take the trail less traveled if he see's danger on the current path. I've always kept you in my mind. We may have had up's and downs, but i've never ended my freindship with you or my desire to help if you needed. I choose to believe you just wanted the world out of your own precieved world and decided to shut most of the doors you have.

To be blunt and to my final point. We get old and we eventually die. Thats life, but no where in that does it say we can't keep our younger selves in our hearts and in our minds, and live life in the simpler and happier way that we grew up knowing. It's all of our own choosing. I hope which ever way you decide to go in life you find happiness. That's our goal in life "I" believe.

[wolfsinn]

Wolph is a sore subject with me. The last time we spoke it was through an alternative fantasy character of mine. We had discussed playing something and I was suddenly hit by a twinge of guilt. I did not know if he knew it was me or not and I thought to myself if it was me, I would want to know and thus told him before we got started,.. just so he knew,.. that it was me.

For the consideration I was berated, the negotiation ended with it being my fault for spoiling the fun of it and he logged off,.. just like that. It was such a callous thing that I never once looked back or revisited our conjoined memories.

This does not compare to what MATT did. It wasn't an interpersonal misunderstanding,.. or petty head games. HE THREATENED TO KILL ME AND ALL MY DOGS BY DRIVING A TWO AND A HALF TON TRUCK INTO MY PARTIALLY UNDER GROUND CABIN. HE LOOTED MY SUPPLY CACHE BEFORE WINTER SET IN. He outed himself to everyone in town by raping his pot dealer's dog, he made it such that having been the person who supported him, fed him, and openly called him my friend and pack mate that I became associated with the things he did and ostracized by everyone I know. I lost /good/ friends over the incident,.. there are parts of gold stream valley I just cannot go. Between wearing a dog collar,.. and the horrible things Matt. He continually made threats over the phone, lied about legal involvement to try and force me to do things his way, and then twisted the appearance of his position such that I lost contacts back in california for somehow having done HIM wrong.

As blunt and final as your point is,.. Matt is the only person that has EVER made me fear for my life and set into motion an impromptu house defense plan which involved all the guns being laid out on the bed and loaded as I awaited him to make good on his threat,... All this out of the blue the day after I cooked him steak sandwiches. He took Harrrly's bowl with him when he left,.. one of the last things I had of Harrrly's.

My ADAMANCY in holding up Matt as a singular example of how fucked up humans can be summed up that yess,.. eventually we all grow old and die,.. only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen. I think that the friends you choose to have should in some way add to your enjoyment of the time left,.. or perhaps extend the time you have left where possible. I associate Matt with the opposite of these things because of the mile wide exit wound he blew through the heart of my pack without a second thought. I did not choose to make that assosciation,.. though it is the consequence of choosing to let him into my life and therefore my own fault as much as his.

It's a mistake I will /never/ make again.

[equinas]

There are two sides to every story. Matt is prone to exaggeration, to be sure. But, as you are fully insane, I would probably go with his version (which he has told me time and time again ad nauseum). But that's just me.

[wolfsinn]

I get that. I don't blame others for how they see it. I lost you a long time ago and independent of a sense of active betrayal. Your opinion doesn't change what I went through and I fully do not expect you to understand or care.

[equinas]

Actually, I care very much about both of you. And I never betrayed you, just pointed out where I thought you were on the wrong path. And it was only between you and me. You took that as a betrayal; I took it as being a (perhaps brutally) honest friend.

[wolfsinn]

You don't /know/ me.
You cannot care about me in the absence of knowing who I am.
I concede you did not betray me,.. er,.. as I just said (confusion) no sense of active betrayal.
I don't take advice lightly,.. especially when it is so unfounded and contrary to my own perspective. What you say,.. it doesn't effect me other to reinforce the sense of distance between us and in a more general sense.

I was warm with you. Came to your place. Let you experience the love of my life,.. and then wandered off when the insistence of your curiosity proved too continually uncomfortable to me. I let it creep in and replace the warmth and return to being relative strangers again without a sense of hostility or ill will. If I had it to do over I just would never had made the connection to keep from having this lingering connection between us such that you think you know me or care about me.

[equinas]

My "insistence of curiosity" was not intended to make you uncomfortable...you kept teasing me with bits and pieces of the things I was asking about, hinting with a wink that you would tell me more "later". So I kept asking. If you had just said you didn't want to talk about it, I would have let the matter drop immediately. Unfortunately, I'm not that adept at picking up on hints.

However, I AM a caring individual, it's just something I do. Your discomfiture with being cared for may be what's talking now, but I've been a caregiver for more than 20 years and there's not a lot of cerebral analysis involved when my heart goes out to someone.

With regards to my advice, I tried to advise you, from my perspective as an Alaskan, that you were making a mistake in moving to such a difficult place to live without being prepared. I admit I was too rude about it, and I regret that.

We're not close, but we could have been. In our short time together you were a good companion and, regardless of how things turned out, I appreciate the parts of your life (and love) that you did share with me. But your emotional stability seems to have progressively degraded over the years (something I admit is mostly hearsay), so it was for the best, as you say. But I don't regret the time we did spend together.

[wolfsinn]

I did say as much.
more than once.
Which is why I stopped responding.

The implication, 'hints', and 'winks' was during the period I was warm with you,.. like a lot of things in my life the substance of it became something that was painful to me and sharing the details of it,.. well,.. just got to be too personal.

I am 'fully insane' and thus not able to process what you intend as care in a constructive manner. I am comfortable with just being open and honest with my regard towards that kind of thing, not to be insulting but to keep from there being any kind of misunderstanding with where I stand,.. apart and ghost-like.

[sheppdog]

I don't hold howl you feel of matt against you. He was dumb and he told me what happened which seems to match up with what your saying for the most part. We both know his temper gets ahold of him and he says and does some stupid things. I'm use to it. I will also tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of my face. I don't let him get too crazy around me. But reguardless I can't say I wouldn't have acted to some degree like you did. Eventually it's time to put the past behind you. You don't have to talk to him again if you so choose. I like helping people out and he tends to need it alot so I do get some small measure of enjoyment out of it. Mostly cause I like to help his dogs out.

Beyond this tho you still slowly distanced yourself from people who considered you their freind. It's not just a feeling i've had, because i've heard it from other people who happened to like you. You can shut everyone out and close all your doors. Just remember eventually they will be broken down and your have someone else close. Who can say if they will wrong you. I've had many people use me and wrong me later down the line. But i've also had some meaningful time with people and I'd much rather remember the good. Nothing is perfect. YAY LIFE!

[wolfsinn]

I used to feel like that too,.. feeding his dogs when he did not come home,.. having to place a dog he abandoned here, picking up the slack here and there when he was just too invested in other things,.. taking it with a grain of salt when one of his dogs got loose and tore up one of mine.

It got to be that 'helping' Matt and his dogs got to be a full time job that took precedence over anything I might have wanted to do. He left at one point to go live down in the valley and in the couple of months awy I rediscovered,... how nice it was without him and his shenanigans around to routinely mess up my day.

That is about the extent of forgiveness that I have in me for that kind of thing. Even though he left with a debt,.. even though he immediately began breaking ground rules,.. I still let him move in to the property a second time,.. and it's there where shit started getting really fucked. I doubt he gave you all the little details about how dusty died, how my RV's interior got wrecked, how the structure fire of his house got started, why Greg the mechanic slammed him against a wall, about why he lied about having welding light damage to his eyes in order to have to avoid looking at any one when he ate his last supper with me, Collin, D, and Katie, or the sort of favors he did for Mark. Heck,.. Ask him about stealing a dog out of Beth's yard and hiding it on my property under a different name,.. its not like I was the ONLY person he fucked over in that time.

It was not a slow gradual distancing that happened over not having a routine interaction, like what happened with you. I can let that kind of thing go without a lot of active ill will. Over time if there is not some sort of medium through which to enjoy a person with,.. I won't pretend that I continue to be intimately involved for appearance's sake.

With Matt it was an EXPLOSIVE sudden set of events that started off as a normal day and ended with me in a hotel on the other side of town with all my valuables, weapons, and dogs crammed into all the available space in the outback, going from place to place as people were looking for him or in a notable instance /ME/ in order to provide an explanation for why Matt had just done this fucked up thing to him.

With someone like you while I might resent having silence grown so thickly accumulated,.. but I am not beyond having a rational discussion or trying to make the best of an opportunity if there is some reason to do so. Its a whole other situation when someone like Matt (whose life I rescued at great risk to my own) threatens me to the point I fear for my own life and that of my dogs... it leaves an impression that doesn't go away. There is no forgiveness in my own personal code for that sort of behavior what so ever.

When you tell me that I can shut everyone out and that somehow eventually all of my doors will be broken down,... it just impresses upon me your total mis-appraisal of my situation. The reason I thrive out here in the middle of nothing is that I am not fulfilled by interaction with society,.. neither the conventional society of the square world, or the little social circles that crop up around extended groups of friends. Over time,.. those circles left me feeling like I was a creep, a weirdo, and expendable as a 'friend' which led to the only open doors for me to walk through being the ones that led me further away. That's not an absolute truth by any means,.. but certainly more so than not.

The friends I miss most were the ones I was very close to. Like lonewolf, Direwolf+Timber, slash-slash (too many years ago to compare to the thing we are now) not all the people I had a kind of fond regard for but were too involved with stuff to have the functioning of a friendship with me. I know it comes from the root of me being a distant person and horrible at socializing but,.. HEY! I am not that social of a person,.. not then and certainly not now.

[wolfsinn]

Used to I thought of as social awkwardness as the worst sort of potential consequence for letting someone get close to me and the bad taste it left in my mouth. But Matt showed me a whole other range of possibilities which has proven to me that my ability to assess the threat potential of others is too fundamentally flawed to let others get in.

Matt was at one time more than a best friend in that he was always there and always needed some involvement (if not from me than by someone) he connected me in a vague way to his other support group members to get him,.. well,.. wherever or whatever the hell he needed for whatever master plan had caught his fancy. He always needed a little more out of those he depended on and having poured myself into the effort of it,.. I thought I had earned a particular favored regard by him. (as most of the people who are called upon to help him or his dogs do)

All that shit flew out the window though. Even in the middle of trying to help him he turned rabid on me in the blink of an eye and threatened to destroy everything I had built for myself here. So when I say I close doors off to people,.. that I have difficulty assessing their potential threat level to me,.. that I take a comfort from being away from the possibility of social contact out of a sense of preservation,.. I am not just amusing myself with a romanticized fallacy.

Whether I want to remember the good or bad,.. that's a forgone conclusion. I remember the time I answered the door and Matt was trying to hand me a loaded handgun telling me 'he did not trust himself with it' and having the total and sudden realization that it's barrel was pointed at my belly. And then later that same day him trying to force my locked door open. I remember the sound of the starting engine, and the panick of trying to get all the dogs in the area of the cabin I reckoned would be the least effected by a collapse and the best angle of fire through the front wall of my cabin.

That's the shit /I/ remember when it comes to Matt,.. that's a possibility I always have lurking in the back of my mind when considering making a new friend or inviting them to the place I dwell. While I can agree in essence with the good vibe point of view you are trying to offer me like advice I need in order to heal or move on,.. It's so far out of context to what I experience as my reality to feel alienated by it.

A closed door.