funeral.
Oh my God. I will never experience a day more sorrowful than yesterday. It started with my reunion with Jenn and Julia after not seeing them for the past 8 months, all of this on behalf of a funeral of a mutual friend. We arrived at the funeral home and there were people sitting outside smoking, mostly her friends. Her friends took it the fucking worse. I saw Michelle, she came outside crying silently and she asked if we wanted to go inside to find seats for the funeral. We go in. She asks me whether or not I want to go look at Chantell and say my goodbyes. This was definitely not an easy decision, and truth be told I am not sure whether or not I feel I made the right choice. Ever since I found out on Thursday about her death, I've been thinking if I'll look at her in the coffin. It was a crucial decision. In the end, I ended up looking at her but I was definitely standing 3 feet away from the casket. She looked so god damn sad. Too sad. She did not look like Chantell! She was bloated, bruised, sick and old. It made me so incredibly fucking upset to look at her. I cried, and cried. She shouldn't have been so bloated, she was only dead for two fucking days. The funeral started and they played one of her favourite songs, James Blunt - You're Beautiful. Well, in the middle of the song he sings, "And we were fucking high" and it's during a slower part, so everybody just laughed. It was good. It was what Chantell would have wanted to happen. It helped lighten the mood just a tiny bit. The priest did a really good job in her speech. She described Chantell so perfectly, as did her friends and family that spoke of her. After the funeral, everybody was supposed to head upstairs for food and refreshments. All of her friends and family instead poured outside to have cigarettes. I was sitting on the front steps between Sean and Michelle. I hugged him, and after a while he looked at me and said, 'Hi Cassie.' so I laughed and said, 'Hi Sean.' He asked me how I was and I just couldn't say anything. I couldn't put words to my thoughts or feelings. So, I asked him how he was doing and he just shook his head. He really fucking loved her. I spent all of yesterday afternoon after the funeral, just wandering around Oakville trying to understand how this could have happened. I couldn't even form words. This has really fucked me up for good and has really, really changed my perspective on life. This is the worst thing anybody could fucking experience.