Anxiety, Depression, and my beginning to understand it.
Back in August, at my previous job, two things had happened to me. One, I was looking for a place to live, and two, I bought a new car. Towards the end of the month, however, another thing began to happen to me. I began experiencing....panic attacks. At first, of course having never experienced anything like it or really having stressed out over anything in my life (somewhat of a defense mechanism), I thought it was a health issue. Multiple trips to the emergency room later I had to accept the fact that it was, indeed, stress related. Anxiety, even. Chronic, crippling, anxiety. I lost my job, and have been bumming around random jobs since then. The car situation is.......Dicey to say the least. While I have been able to make payments on it, nothing in teh future is certain. This uncertainty, i believe at first, was adding to my anxiety.
More emergency room visits later, I finally found myself with a therapist and a medication. The medication takes a while to work, however depression has begun to set fold, deep within the depths of my mind. My whole life, all my failures, all my shortcomings, seem to be all i can dwell about. And then the panic starts, and if I'm not in an emergency room I'm taking a pill just to deal.
Tonight, however, I think I may have come to a realization. Obviously, my panic, and my depression are self induced. Let me make one thing clear: I do not want to die. I really have no spiritual beliefs at all, and the thought of death, of ceasing to "be", scares me more than anything else. Funnily enough, This could have been a factor in my anxiety at the beginning. The more I freak out and tweak out, however, the more I realize something.
In some strange, sick way, I'm fantasizing about being extremely ill, hospitalized, etc. That way, I could be held less accountable for my actions that have lead me to this, for all intents and purposes, shallow meaningless existence that I'm just wallowing through, day after day, month after month. It could be a starting point, a new beginning, life after the "ordeal" whatever it may be.
This is not the full extent of my anxiety, and I am sure the panic attacks will still continue, but realizing this might help me a little. Also, I feel awful about it. But realizing this side of myself, these thoughts, is probably better than not and continuing down the path I am going down.
I'm fucked up haha
More emergency room visits later, I finally found myself with a therapist and a medication. The medication takes a while to work, however depression has begun to set fold, deep within the depths of my mind. My whole life, all my failures, all my shortcomings, seem to be all i can dwell about. And then the panic starts, and if I'm not in an emergency room I'm taking a pill just to deal.
Tonight, however, I think I may have come to a realization. Obviously, my panic, and my depression are self induced. Let me make one thing clear: I do not want to die. I really have no spiritual beliefs at all, and the thought of death, of ceasing to "be", scares me more than anything else. Funnily enough, This could have been a factor in my anxiety at the beginning. The more I freak out and tweak out, however, the more I realize something.
In some strange, sick way, I'm fantasizing about being extremely ill, hospitalized, etc. That way, I could be held less accountable for my actions that have lead me to this, for all intents and purposes, shallow meaningless existence that I'm just wallowing through, day after day, month after month. It could be a starting point, a new beginning, life after the "ordeal" whatever it may be.
This is not the full extent of my anxiety, and I am sure the panic attacks will still continue, but realizing this might help me a little. Also, I feel awful about it. But realizing this side of myself, these thoughts, is probably better than not and continuing down the path I am going down.
I'm fucked up haha