Welp been a few years I guess
My old fucking livejournal, man. I'm actually kind of glad I kept a record of my thoughts back when I was going through that shit. Reliving how I was then by reading my old entries gives me insight in who I was and who I have become since then. I will admit, some entries are painful to read, not in a "ugh i was such a dumb kid" kind of way, but in more of a "I feel bad about who I was as a person" kind of way. Oh well...Let's see since the last entry...
Got together with Bri again, Live with my dad who is clean and doing great and wonderful but has a psycho gf who lives here with her kids who literally needs to be institutionalized, I play fighting games all day. I drive a 2013 mini cooper because I'm dumb, and I'm hoping to go back to college and finally get my music degree. Music is something that through thick and thin always kept me hopeful. I just hope it can do the same again in this stage of my life.
I've had many jobs. Busser/Host at Carrabbas, Inventory at Home Depot, fryguy at fiveguys. 2 weeks at Chipotle. I went through a period of calling people in prince Georges and Baltimore county Maryland, pretending to be a fire fighter and then getting them to leave donations taped to their front door.(I was amazing at it but eventually decided it was despicable work) I was a debt collector for the US dept of Education. I'm finding that I have it within me to be the best or at least very good at everything I put my mind to. I've called a few hockey games for Manchester Public Access, I was a Summer Fellow intern thing for the Obama campaign. The thing about mindless jobs is, I end up resenting them. This is probably immaturity on my part, but I just need to feel a sense that my work has consequence. I'm engaged and the greatest worker as I'm training, learning how to be the best at my job I can be, but once I've reached a certain point, wether it is top performer int he company for Cash goals, or "best busser" in the restaurant, it becomes stale. I beginr esentinga nd dreading having to go there. I find excuses as to why I should call in. And then I say fuck it and leave. (though my last job was actually different circumstances and I was still very much in the honeymoon phase, the other jobs all ended up like that)
I've taken a few semesters at community college for criminal justice or other bullshit. Even considered apprenticing as a blacksmith. Took Voice Over lessons to try to do ads. Tried becoming a video game reviewer. Got pretty good at street fighter to the point where my social life is pretty much dependent on it.
Music is unfortunately a thing of the past for me right now, and it hurts. I burned many bridges in my formative years here in NH, and sadly I have nothing to and no one to call on to try to get back into it. Even if I did, the thought of picking up my bass and playing it disgusts me in some ways. This was my dream, and I failed at it. So no, I'm not going to make it a hobby or whatever, because I failed at it. I tell myself, Fuck it. But honestly, I think it's more that I'm scared. Scared of failing again.
And now I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get into school this fall, that would really give my life SOME direction.
The only positive constant has been my life partner, my anchor Bri. Though we have our own issues, we're both pretty much mature and respectful enough to be able to work through them (in our own immature disrespectful kind of way :p ). Without her, I would be a much different person right now.
Unfortunately I'm suffering panic attacks and anxiety right now. Not in the bitchy "oh no my car payment is due" kind of way but in the (probably way more unhealthy) "oh god I'm dying and now that i'm dying my life will have been worthless because I have been a useless sack of shit when I should have been doing more and now it's too late REGRETSSSSSSSSSSS" kind of way. I've been to the emergency room over this multiple times, determined that I was inf act dying, but I'm starting to get therapy and help from it. and was told to write a journal, so here I am :)
I guess part of making things better for yourself is to take stock of your situation. As it stands right now, I feel I am an intelligent, passionate person who could do a lot of good things. Unfortunately, if you live within your potential, without ever reaching it, you're in the same boat as those who had no potential to begin with. So fuck it, I'm MAKING going back to school this fall happen. I'm MAKING finding another job that I won't hate until at least 6 months happen. I'm making this happen because it's not only myself who I let down, but the people who care about me as well. Fuck it, let's make it happen.
Got together with Bri again, Live with my dad who is clean and doing great and wonderful but has a psycho gf who lives here with her kids who literally needs to be institutionalized, I play fighting games all day. I drive a 2013 mini cooper because I'm dumb, and I'm hoping to go back to college and finally get my music degree. Music is something that through thick and thin always kept me hopeful. I just hope it can do the same again in this stage of my life.
I've had many jobs. Busser/Host at Carrabbas, Inventory at Home Depot, fryguy at fiveguys. 2 weeks at Chipotle. I went through a period of calling people in prince Georges and Baltimore county Maryland, pretending to be a fire fighter and then getting them to leave donations taped to their front door.(I was amazing at it but eventually decided it was despicable work) I was a debt collector for the US dept of Education. I'm finding that I have it within me to be the best or at least very good at everything I put my mind to. I've called a few hockey games for Manchester Public Access, I was a Summer Fellow intern thing for the Obama campaign. The thing about mindless jobs is, I end up resenting them. This is probably immaturity on my part, but I just need to feel a sense that my work has consequence. I'm engaged and the greatest worker as I'm training, learning how to be the best at my job I can be, but once I've reached a certain point, wether it is top performer int he company for Cash goals, or "best busser" in the restaurant, it becomes stale. I beginr esentinga nd dreading having to go there. I find excuses as to why I should call in. And then I say fuck it and leave. (though my last job was actually different circumstances and I was still very much in the honeymoon phase, the other jobs all ended up like that)
I've taken a few semesters at community college for criminal justice or other bullshit. Even considered apprenticing as a blacksmith. Took Voice Over lessons to try to do ads. Tried becoming a video game reviewer. Got pretty good at street fighter to the point where my social life is pretty much dependent on it.
Music is unfortunately a thing of the past for me right now, and it hurts. I burned many bridges in my formative years here in NH, and sadly I have nothing to and no one to call on to try to get back into it. Even if I did, the thought of picking up my bass and playing it disgusts me in some ways. This was my dream, and I failed at it. So no, I'm not going to make it a hobby or whatever, because I failed at it. I tell myself, Fuck it. But honestly, I think it's more that I'm scared. Scared of failing again.
And now I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get into school this fall, that would really give my life SOME direction.
The only positive constant has been my life partner, my anchor Bri. Though we have our own issues, we're both pretty much mature and respectful enough to be able to work through them (in our own immature disrespectful kind of way :p ). Without her, I would be a much different person right now.
Unfortunately I'm suffering panic attacks and anxiety right now. Not in the bitchy "oh no my car payment is due" kind of way but in the (probably way more unhealthy) "oh god I'm dying and now that i'm dying my life will have been worthless because I have been a useless sack of shit when I should have been doing more and now it's too late REGRETSSSSSSSSSSS" kind of way. I've been to the emergency room over this multiple times, determined that I was inf act dying, but I'm starting to get therapy and help from it. and was told to write a journal, so here I am :)
I guess part of making things better for yourself is to take stock of your situation. As it stands right now, I feel I am an intelligent, passionate person who could do a lot of good things. Unfortunately, if you live within your potential, without ever reaching it, you're in the same boat as those who had no potential to begin with. So fuck it, I'm MAKING going back to school this fall happen. I'm MAKING finding another job that I won't hate until at least 6 months happen. I'm making this happen because it's not only myself who I let down, but the people who care about me as well. Fuck it, let's make it happen.