There are times when silence has the loudest voice
The past 24 hours have been.... a trial, to put it mildly. Losing someone you love always sucks. No matter how it happens.
If it were not for the fact that a very random person reached out to me... and insisted on keeping me company, I honestly do not know where my state of mind would be. I do know that I would unlikely be as clear-headed as I am now. This random person.. contacting me out of the blue. Not knowing anything and yet, still knowing what to say to keep me talking when I said, quite blatantly, I was not in the mood to chat with anyone. Next thing I knew, I was speaking with him via messenger and his easy manner and kind tone had managed to get under my skin enough to ease the pain and help me to think clearly. Logically.
Today, when picking up my daughter, she told me of a friend of hers that made a promise, and yet broke it. She was very sad as this was someone she cared for. I told her that sometimes, people make promises with no intention of keeping them. That it was why she should always do her best to honor the ones that she made and to never make them lightly. In doing so, she would eventually gain the trust and respect of her friends and they, in turn, would be loyal to her.
...I admit that after the past 24 hours, those words tasted like ash on my tongue. I quickly added "hopefully" because I felt like I was feeding her lies. Was that not what I had been spending the past several years of my life doing? So much for that idea...
After that, I drove the rest of the way home in silence. My mind working through yesterday, last evening, and today while she babbled on about the ladybugs she caught at school. I am not certain when, but at some point all of the conversations rolling around in my head, including the one with my daughter, made me realize something. And this realization both put me in shock and made me quite sad.
I had lost my respect for this loved one. Completely and totally lost all respect. Perhaps that will change.. I do not know.
I am rather dismayed by this. I did not know that was even possible.
But at the same time, it brought a sense of closure that I was not expecting to have for... weeks at the very least. Certainly not this quickly.
I am not going to think much on it though. Normally I would analyze the "why" but I see no reason to do so.
I know why I lost my respect for them and that is enough.
No need to question why it made things so much easier...
Such is life.
A chapter closed, not by my wish, but as requested.
That final request fulfilled.
I will choose the fond memories over the end result.
I would much rather remember the person who I loved, respected, and cherished than the cold stranger who has become no more than... an acquaintance.
or even... "Someone that I used to know"
Lame statement perhaps. But fitting just the same. Suddenly, that song makes so much more sense to me.
If it were not for the fact that a very random person reached out to me... and insisted on keeping me company, I honestly do not know where my state of mind would be. I do know that I would unlikely be as clear-headed as I am now. This random person.. contacting me out of the blue. Not knowing anything and yet, still knowing what to say to keep me talking when I said, quite blatantly, I was not in the mood to chat with anyone. Next thing I knew, I was speaking with him via messenger and his easy manner and kind tone had managed to get under my skin enough to ease the pain and help me to think clearly. Logically.
Today, when picking up my daughter, she told me of a friend of hers that made a promise, and yet broke it. She was very sad as this was someone she cared for. I told her that sometimes, people make promises with no intention of keeping them. That it was why she should always do her best to honor the ones that she made and to never make them lightly. In doing so, she would eventually gain the trust and respect of her friends and they, in turn, would be loyal to her.
...I admit that after the past 24 hours, those words tasted like ash on my tongue. I quickly added "hopefully" because I felt like I was feeding her lies. Was that not what I had been spending the past several years of my life doing? So much for that idea...
After that, I drove the rest of the way home in silence. My mind working through yesterday, last evening, and today while she babbled on about the ladybugs she caught at school. I am not certain when, but at some point all of the conversations rolling around in my head, including the one with my daughter, made me realize something. And this realization both put me in shock and made me quite sad.
I had lost my respect for this loved one. Completely and totally lost all respect. Perhaps that will change.. I do not know.
I am rather dismayed by this. I did not know that was even possible.
But at the same time, it brought a sense of closure that I was not expecting to have for... weeks at the very least. Certainly not this quickly.
I am not going to think much on it though. Normally I would analyze the "why" but I see no reason to do so.
I know why I lost my respect for them and that is enough.
No need to question why it made things so much easier...
Such is life.
A chapter closed, not by my wish, but as requested.
That final request fulfilled.
I will choose the fond memories over the end result.
I would much rather remember the person who I loved, respected, and cherished than the cold stranger who has become no more than... an acquaintance.
or even... "Someone that I used to know"
Lame statement perhaps. But fitting just the same. Suddenly, that song makes so much more sense to me.