"Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to..... Hello"
So I have been meaning to update...
School: The courses I am taking now are extremely difficult for me. I am not sure if it is because of my health distractions or because "I'm just not getting it" but it is really annoying. The professors in all classes are very slow in grading so I am having a really difficult time in determining how well I am doing over all. And after my last quiz... I have decided to look up every. single. answer. even if I think I know it because obviously I am missing something along the way.
Inlaws: My FIL came over while I was... in the hospital and Ecamer was at work and got really pissed at the state of the house. Ecamer has been depressed and rarely does anything. I WANT to clean and all that housekeeping stuff because I am sick of looking at it but can't due to health reasons. He threatened Ecamer with coming over and cleaning it himself. Ecamer told him "No."
Dammit.. I wish he would have let him do so. I mean it's embarrassing to have my house look like this and even more-so to have someone else clean it for me. But dammit, I can't keep up with five cats, a dog, a 6 year old and a lazy 37 year old right now. The whole situation just makes me want to cry, scream... run away.
But I can't. I'm stuck. And my only reprieve is when I can successfully forget the world around me by submersing myself in schoolwork. I am even losing my motivation to do stuff I enjoy. Again.
Kindergoth: well, since the above happened, she is not here much. Yesterday she told me she was moving in with her grandmother. News to me, but am I really in a position to argue? Ecamer denied it but.. I have no idea what is going on. I am at a loss. I have been for awhile now. I am starting to feel trapped. But hey, she is involved in a summer program. Having fun. Has a doctor appointment tomorrow that her aunt is taking her to. (I have been feeling like the inlaws have been phasing me out for a long time before I got sick. They spoke with me very little before and now they never speak to me unless I confront them.)
Health: That's what everything is boiling down to right now, isn't it. I went to the doctor yesterday. She is sending me to a neurologist to have some studies done on my nervous system. I am not going to lie. The pain gets so intense that I have considered making use of the .22 in Ecamer's dresser drawer. These thoughts are often accompanied by reminders of medical bills, the fact that his family has ALWAYS disliked me, and that I really have no local support. You know how it goes... typical "world would be better off without me" bullshit. And I am on anti-depressants. Mostly for my panic attacks but apparently they are doing enough to keep me going. And I still have not fallen off the wagon when it comes to self-harm, so that's good.
Family: .....I am trying not to run. Trying so, so very hard. I am unable to describe how I feel where they are concerned at this moment. My ex-grandparents had to evacuate due to the wildfires raging through our state. They are back home, safe now... In some ways I feel horrible for wishing that they were just.. gone. It's a horrible thing to think, I know this. But there is a part of me that can not forgive. That really wants them not to exist at all. Not to the point where "I" would do anything about it. But enough to the point to wish nature would hurry up and take its course where they are concerned.
My sister... she keeps on their good side for the same reason my mother does. For the same reason she keeps on my mother's good side as well. Monetary gain. I can not bring myself to do that. I actually have tried. But it felt disgusting and I could not even look myself in the mirror. So I stopped and went back to being true to myself. It costs a lot in terms of pain and heartache, but it is better to be loved for who you are than who you are not. So I have no regrets. I am not going to lie though... I wish the whole lot of them were just "gone" so I would not be bothered with them anymore. So my sister would not be insistent on trying to rebuild burnt bridges from ashes. So I would not have to think about "her" concern for them. (Yes.. I told her of the fires and suggested that she check up on them... because I'm a fucking "GOOD" person. Anyone else who felt the way I did would have not said a word.)
---
I want out.
I need to escape.
I need to succeed.
That is all there is to it.
"We hear of a lovely daughter, shot down in her mistaken flight. Unaware yet how her life will be affected by this experience...."
School: The courses I am taking now are extremely difficult for me. I am not sure if it is because of my health distractions or because "I'm just not getting it" but it is really annoying. The professors in all classes are very slow in grading so I am having a really difficult time in determining how well I am doing over all. And after my last quiz... I have decided to look up every. single. answer. even if I think I know it because obviously I am missing something along the way.
Inlaws: My FIL came over while I was... in the hospital and Ecamer was at work and got really pissed at the state of the house. Ecamer has been depressed and rarely does anything. I WANT to clean and all that housekeeping stuff because I am sick of looking at it but can't due to health reasons. He threatened Ecamer with coming over and cleaning it himself. Ecamer told him "No."
Dammit.. I wish he would have let him do so. I mean it's embarrassing to have my house look like this and even more-so to have someone else clean it for me. But dammit, I can't keep up with five cats, a dog, a 6 year old and a lazy 37 year old right now. The whole situation just makes me want to cry, scream... run away.
But I can't. I'm stuck. And my only reprieve is when I can successfully forget the world around me by submersing myself in schoolwork. I am even losing my motivation to do stuff I enjoy. Again.
Kindergoth: well, since the above happened, she is not here much. Yesterday she told me she was moving in with her grandmother. News to me, but am I really in a position to argue? Ecamer denied it but.. I have no idea what is going on. I am at a loss. I have been for awhile now. I am starting to feel trapped. But hey, she is involved in a summer program. Having fun. Has a doctor appointment tomorrow that her aunt is taking her to. (I have been feeling like the inlaws have been phasing me out for a long time before I got sick. They spoke with me very little before and now they never speak to me unless I confront them.)
Health: That's what everything is boiling down to right now, isn't it. I went to the doctor yesterday. She is sending me to a neurologist to have some studies done on my nervous system. I am not going to lie. The pain gets so intense that I have considered making use of the .22 in Ecamer's dresser drawer. These thoughts are often accompanied by reminders of medical bills, the fact that his family has ALWAYS disliked me, and that I really have no local support. You know how it goes... typical "world would be better off without me" bullshit. And I am on anti-depressants. Mostly for my panic attacks but apparently they are doing enough to keep me going. And I still have not fallen off the wagon when it comes to self-harm, so that's good.
Family: .....I am trying not to run. Trying so, so very hard. I am unable to describe how I feel where they are concerned at this moment. My ex-grandparents had to evacuate due to the wildfires raging through our state. They are back home, safe now... In some ways I feel horrible for wishing that they were just.. gone. It's a horrible thing to think, I know this. But there is a part of me that can not forgive. That really wants them not to exist at all. Not to the point where "I" would do anything about it. But enough to the point to wish nature would hurry up and take its course where they are concerned.
My sister... she keeps on their good side for the same reason my mother does. For the same reason she keeps on my mother's good side as well. Monetary gain. I can not bring myself to do that. I actually have tried. But it felt disgusting and I could not even look myself in the mirror. So I stopped and went back to being true to myself. It costs a lot in terms of pain and heartache, but it is better to be loved for who you are than who you are not. So I have no regrets. I am not going to lie though... I wish the whole lot of them were just "gone" so I would not be bothered with them anymore. So my sister would not be insistent on trying to rebuild burnt bridges from ashes. So I would not have to think about "her" concern for them. (Yes.. I told her of the fires and suggested that she check up on them... because I'm a fucking "GOOD" person. Anyone else who felt the way I did would have not said a word.)
---
I want out.
I need to escape.
I need to succeed.
That is all there is to it.
"We hear of a lovely daughter, shot down in her mistaken flight. Unaware yet how her life will be affected by this experience...."