the tred mil
SO I am really stuck in a rut and its not getting better ... so i doubt really much has changed since the last post
I do know that I am not online much and for a zillion different reasons...
there are few ppl left that i know... the cyber world seems much like a ghost town compared to what I use to see in it....
not feeling motovated to much of anything and forget being social....
trying to clean myself out of my hole ... not sure how well thats working...
anyway being online is a double edged sword... if im not that i don't keep up or in touch with most everyone i know.... seeing things is nostalgic but not much else.... and often leaves me more empty than when i started.... more over a big sense of failing at life in general... that "im not where I thought id be" kind of thing....
I mean its not bad being where i am i guess... though it sure is never where I saw myself... a uniformed ranger.... and wildland firefighter to boot... its kinda crazy .... and thats not a bad thing but its not surrounded by friends or family like i had hoped i would be at this point in mylife.... but to say that i did/do things the conventional way would be absurd.
i do know i lack direction and this is the biggest issue in trying and finding motovation to do much of anything ... its not that i sit around and do nothing ... most times i dont... heck half the time i bearly have enough time to turn around shower sleep and do it all over again the next day ....
I do have fun .... I spent three days in NYC the last week of may first week of june.... stayed in some swank hotels with my sister while she was at work ... spent one whole day tooling around central park .... and saw two shows off broadway .... pretty neat.... and a great time.... and went to see my sister place in philly my brothers new house in langhorn and also got to she my parents when they came out ot help with my brother new house renovations... its was a good time ....
i know too that when i dont feel productive that makes me feel defeated... i dont know if thats exactly the right way to describe it.... anyway ... thing is .... i havent found many things to feel productive about and therefore have been very hohum ... working on that ...
i find its hard to figure out things to do by myself.... i mean i am not typically one to say well cause i dont have someone to do something with i wont go do it ..... it gets kinda boring but better than doing nothing.... but at the same time there are things i dont really feel safe doing by myself.... one of those is taking a vacation alone .... part of it is you know theres no one to share it with ..... and thats kinda sad.. but the other is what if something happens ... no one will know... and unfortunatly its usually twice as expensive.... i mean you pay the same amount for the hotel if there are two of you sharing a room or just the one of you.... and money i have not got extra of ...
Anyway rambeling ...
the point has now been lost and this sounds like any of the post i have probably made in the last three years .... sad .. depressed... lost .. drifitng.... and not seeing a clear path to anywhere...
the anger and hurt of a lot of things is lessening ... its still there and sneeks up on me every now and again but is better...
well anyway in closing i think i might have a week of free time the week of July 19th ..... anyone got any great ideas on what I should do with it ... if so let me know...
I do know that I am not online much and for a zillion different reasons...
there are few ppl left that i know... the cyber world seems much like a ghost town compared to what I use to see in it....
not feeling motovated to much of anything and forget being social....
trying to clean myself out of my hole ... not sure how well thats working...
anyway being online is a double edged sword... if im not that i don't keep up or in touch with most everyone i know.... seeing things is nostalgic but not much else.... and often leaves me more empty than when i started.... more over a big sense of failing at life in general... that "im not where I thought id be" kind of thing....
I mean its not bad being where i am i guess... though it sure is never where I saw myself... a uniformed ranger.... and wildland firefighter to boot... its kinda crazy .... and thats not a bad thing but its not surrounded by friends or family like i had hoped i would be at this point in mylife.... but to say that i did/do things the conventional way would be absurd.
i do know i lack direction and this is the biggest issue in trying and finding motovation to do much of anything ... its not that i sit around and do nothing ... most times i dont... heck half the time i bearly have enough time to turn around shower sleep and do it all over again the next day ....
I do have fun .... I spent three days in NYC the last week of may first week of june.... stayed in some swank hotels with my sister while she was at work ... spent one whole day tooling around central park .... and saw two shows off broadway .... pretty neat.... and a great time.... and went to see my sister place in philly my brothers new house in langhorn and also got to she my parents when they came out ot help with my brother new house renovations... its was a good time ....
i know too that when i dont feel productive that makes me feel defeated... i dont know if thats exactly the right way to describe it.... anyway ... thing is .... i havent found many things to feel productive about and therefore have been very hohum ... working on that ...
i find its hard to figure out things to do by myself.... i mean i am not typically one to say well cause i dont have someone to do something with i wont go do it ..... it gets kinda boring but better than doing nothing.... but at the same time there are things i dont really feel safe doing by myself.... one of those is taking a vacation alone .... part of it is you know theres no one to share it with ..... and thats kinda sad.. but the other is what if something happens ... no one will know... and unfortunatly its usually twice as expensive.... i mean you pay the same amount for the hotel if there are two of you sharing a room or just the one of you.... and money i have not got extra of ...
Anyway rambeling ...
the point has now been lost and this sounds like any of the post i have probably made in the last three years .... sad .. depressed... lost .. drifitng.... and not seeing a clear path to anywhere...
the anger and hurt of a lot of things is lessening ... its still there and sneeks up on me every now and again but is better...
well anyway in closing i think i might have a week of free time the week of July 19th ..... anyone got any great ideas on what I should do with it ... if so let me know...