thoughts and stuff
yup again been a long time since i have posted anything.... thinking too that im really grumpy and stressed out ... and maybe just maybe writing/typing will help me kinda work or at least get things out ....
not much has really changed.... looing for a job but not much time to do that .... not much time to much of anything ... and been really distant the rest of the time... work is crazy and has me strung out a little bit.... and being grumpy at work all the time is not good either.... and doesnt help with all the other issues...
its the busy season.... we get these two times a year october- november.... and april-july..... the rest is down time... august is so hot you can bearly stand to do anything outside .. and my job is out side.. and its between school and camp seasons.... the winter is usally down time but this past year i ended up having a lot of trainings and things which was good but left very little time to try and get that looming work to do list done....
I did get a my wildland fire fighter certification in december and then a weeks worth of training the first week of march .... feburary i had interp workshops and so on.... things are complicated by the fact that my co-workers mother is not well... diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago.... and had to take trips out of state to try and take care of her and be with her the last few months.... so that means he has had to leave me with a full plate and working more extra days to cover things... which i really dont mind but does i guess stress me out ...
The things that get me is just you know the everyday bickering .... the crap that makes you end up doing things twice because someone inadvertenly undoes what you just did.... musical hoses.... cleaning bathrooms.... people not doing what they say they will or informing people of whats going on .. changes in schedule ... and on and on .... its driving me nuts.... and not only that i have so many over time ours and i get harped on about keeping them down using them up and so on ... but when i have to spend extra time doing all the crap that other ppl dont do or redoing my work .... it doesnt help the hours bit... bleh
Im tired and i just felt like crying every time i quit physically moving today ... i just want to rest and sleep ... really well.. and be comforted....
and my time at work doesnt help and nor does the fact that i havent really made any friends here which is my own fault and ineptitude...
and i get bit by the jealousy bug all the time... the fact that my roommate got a huge raise with the job change she made at work .. and the fact that she claims to work 4 10 hour days and i have yet to see a week where she has done that but does have three days off.....
That shes never out of the house long enough for me to work on the dresser i have been meaning to strip and refinish for the past two years.... and the fact that i dont know if feel i cant run the vacuum when she home ... and this really passive aggressive dishes battle.....
and i have all this time off to use up ... but dont have the cash to go much of anywhere.... nor anyone to go with .... and im at this point really really tied of doing things alone all the time... i mean heck i go out shopping half the time just to get out of the house and feel more part of the bigger world
i was thinking of today how nice it would be to have a conversation that wasnt about work or with a 5th grader..... and tried to think what iwould talk about ... and realized i really dont have anything interesting or relavent to say ....and when asked about myself wouldnt have anything positive to say .....
I know that i get some really positive comments at work about the good job i do and how well i relate to the students and engaging i can be.... which is really good and is rewarding ... but gets overshadowed but having to deal with all the other junk .... and i dont know if its that i think i should have to deal with it or ...... just that its so fustrating all the time and the just grinds you down .... i know that every job comes with those things .... i know too that much option is to find a better job and to leave..... i know too that i feel i dont have time to put toward getting that done ... and then im just dissappointed with myself..... or feel guilty because i am not doing as much and i could be or should be or need to be.....
and claustrophobic with too much paper clutter.... i have never been good at controling it ... trying to organize it ... both at work or at home... thinking about getting a storage space to put someof the extra boxes of stuff i will never use at this apartment ..... but that extra money a month i dont really have... but that thought was to get the clutter out of the rooms so that i could really clean what was there and not boxes ...
feels like im falling apart at the seems... clutter work ... need to find some laughter.... and a little calm .... and bit of real happiness... get a chance to use my creative side some ... craft i guess... got to do that this fall and for christmas... made some fairy headdress .. one for me for halloween and one for our office manager for christmas...... cause of the time constraint it was a little stressful but fun to try to put it all together...
i know that i use to have plans and goals ... make lists to help get it all done ... i have lost focus ... dont do much of that anymore... *chuckles* feels sometimes like im drowning in junk..... or that i just want nap time... not very adult like.....
i feel like screaming and begging pleading for help... but i dont even know what to ask for for help...... that might be why i dont ask for help .. its hard to ask if you dont know what you need....
i think thats all thats in my head.... questions comments insights welcome ....
not much has really changed.... looing for a job but not much time to do that .... not much time to much of anything ... and been really distant the rest of the time... work is crazy and has me strung out a little bit.... and being grumpy at work all the time is not good either.... and doesnt help with all the other issues...
its the busy season.... we get these two times a year october- november.... and april-july..... the rest is down time... august is so hot you can bearly stand to do anything outside .. and my job is out side.. and its between school and camp seasons.... the winter is usally down time but this past year i ended up having a lot of trainings and things which was good but left very little time to try and get that looming work to do list done....
I did get a my wildland fire fighter certification in december and then a weeks worth of training the first week of march .... feburary i had interp workshops and so on.... things are complicated by the fact that my co-workers mother is not well... diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago.... and had to take trips out of state to try and take care of her and be with her the last few months.... so that means he has had to leave me with a full plate and working more extra days to cover things... which i really dont mind but does i guess stress me out ...
The things that get me is just you know the everyday bickering .... the crap that makes you end up doing things twice because someone inadvertenly undoes what you just did.... musical hoses.... cleaning bathrooms.... people not doing what they say they will or informing people of whats going on .. changes in schedule ... and on and on .... its driving me nuts.... and not only that i have so many over time ours and i get harped on about keeping them down using them up and so on ... but when i have to spend extra time doing all the crap that other ppl dont do or redoing my work .... it doesnt help the hours bit... bleh
Im tired and i just felt like crying every time i quit physically moving today ... i just want to rest and sleep ... really well.. and be comforted....
and my time at work doesnt help and nor does the fact that i havent really made any friends here which is my own fault and ineptitude...
and i get bit by the jealousy bug all the time... the fact that my roommate got a huge raise with the job change she made at work .. and the fact that she claims to work 4 10 hour days and i have yet to see a week where she has done that but does have three days off.....
That shes never out of the house long enough for me to work on the dresser i have been meaning to strip and refinish for the past two years.... and the fact that i dont know if feel i cant run the vacuum when she home ... and this really passive aggressive dishes battle.....
and i have all this time off to use up ... but dont have the cash to go much of anywhere.... nor anyone to go with .... and im at this point really really tied of doing things alone all the time... i mean heck i go out shopping half the time just to get out of the house and feel more part of the bigger world
i was thinking of today how nice it would be to have a conversation that wasnt about work or with a 5th grader..... and tried to think what iwould talk about ... and realized i really dont have anything interesting or relavent to say ....and when asked about myself wouldnt have anything positive to say .....
I know that i get some really positive comments at work about the good job i do and how well i relate to the students and engaging i can be.... which is really good and is rewarding ... but gets overshadowed but having to deal with all the other junk .... and i dont know if its that i think i should have to deal with it or ...... just that its so fustrating all the time and the just grinds you down .... i know that every job comes with those things .... i know too that much option is to find a better job and to leave..... i know too that i feel i dont have time to put toward getting that done ... and then im just dissappointed with myself..... or feel guilty because i am not doing as much and i could be or should be or need to be.....
and claustrophobic with too much paper clutter.... i have never been good at controling it ... trying to organize it ... both at work or at home... thinking about getting a storage space to put someof the extra boxes of stuff i will never use at this apartment ..... but that extra money a month i dont really have... but that thought was to get the clutter out of the rooms so that i could really clean what was there and not boxes ...
feels like im falling apart at the seems... clutter work ... need to find some laughter.... and a little calm .... and bit of real happiness... get a chance to use my creative side some ... craft i guess... got to do that this fall and for christmas... made some fairy headdress .. one for me for halloween and one for our office manager for christmas...... cause of the time constraint it was a little stressful but fun to try to put it all together...
i know that i use to have plans and goals ... make lists to help get it all done ... i have lost focus ... dont do much of that anymore... *chuckles* feels sometimes like im drowning in junk..... or that i just want nap time... not very adult like.....
i feel like screaming and begging pleading for help... but i dont even know what to ask for for help...... that might be why i dont ask for help .. its hard to ask if you dont know what you need....
i think thats all thats in my head.... questions comments insights welcome ....