(no subject)
ok i know that i have been out of sorts for a while now ... probably way to long and so on ... and i have no idea when or what is going to make that change ... and yes i do know that only i can change that ... which totally sucks cause i dont even know what to do .... or that i know how to do whatever it is i need to do and so on ...
so im sitting here thinking .. ok this was a while ago .... and thinking that i hate feeling this way .... and when the hell did i become such a negative person ..... now i know that i have never been optimistic so to speak .... but i havent been this dark cloud of doom before really either .... and the dark cloud of doom is not fun .... i have been depressed and i have had times where things just wouldnt go right ... but noething like this ...
there are things that i know about myself .... characteristics that set me as a person ...... it use to be that when i woke up with a song in my head it was gonna be a good day .... and well sleep has been really crappy for weeks .... yesterday i did wake up with a song in my head... and i was in a great bouncy bubbly mood ... unlike i have seen in well over a year .... of course it was "im just a little black rain cloud" from whinnie the pooh .... but no matter.... it was also the day i had to leave work early for stomach pain .... which i havent dont in almost two years ... bah
but i was thinking .... what was the happiest time in my life that i could remember.. thinking that if i could defign that them maybe i could find the pieces that are missing or areas i need to fill that kinda thing .... and 23.... thats the year .... see i know that there are people out there that always say that highschool is the best time of your life.... i dont think you could pay me to do that again ... and then others say college.... well i was pretty much a total dork and didnt do anything in college of note except the trip to the galapagos ... which is nothing to sneeze at ... and would love to repeate that but not the whole college thing .... no 23 is the year i could do over again ....
i had a decent job ... one with benifits.... was comfortable in it ... taking classes on the side in things i thought were cool.... knowing this was just the start of my life.... moved out shortly after that .... had people that didnt live forever away i could do things with .... still spent holidays with my family like christmas .... and easter .. thanksgiving ..... no stomach troubles.... would have been better if i had found out about my hypersomnia then ..... i was dating a pretty great guy ....the only thing i hadnt done i dont think was move out .... but i had my car and it was paid off .... i was meeting all my expences .... and probably spent way too much time online .... oh and i also started dressing like a girl or rather stopped wearing clothes two sizes too big =) ... and they were finally starting to make pants that were long enough ..... yes that is monumental ....
that was my life at 23 ...
i can remember having a conversation with a friend about having a feeling most of my life of never fitting in ... never quite feeling at home where i was doing what i was doing and being with those people i called my friends .... and very much for the most part always feeling on the outside looking in on things .... and there have been a few times in my life i have felt that .... this connection of being in the right place at the right time ... a feeling of belonging .... its contentment..... that things are really right in the world.... i just can never make those things last ... to make that perment ... and there is something to that ... you know a humanistic thing that once we reach conetentment we then have to reach for the next thing .... *shrugs*
i dont know that this has helped me figure out what it is i should do next ..... but i hope that it will keep this in mind when i am looking for what it is i am suppose to do next ...
so im sitting here thinking .. ok this was a while ago .... and thinking that i hate feeling this way .... and when the hell did i become such a negative person ..... now i know that i have never been optimistic so to speak .... but i havent been this dark cloud of doom before really either .... and the dark cloud of doom is not fun .... i have been depressed and i have had times where things just wouldnt go right ... but noething like this ...
there are things that i know about myself .... characteristics that set me as a person ...... it use to be that when i woke up with a song in my head it was gonna be a good day .... and well sleep has been really crappy for weeks .... yesterday i did wake up with a song in my head... and i was in a great bouncy bubbly mood ... unlike i have seen in well over a year .... of course it was "im just a little black rain cloud" from whinnie the pooh .... but no matter.... it was also the day i had to leave work early for stomach pain .... which i havent dont in almost two years ... bah
but i was thinking .... what was the happiest time in my life that i could remember.. thinking that if i could defign that them maybe i could find the pieces that are missing or areas i need to fill that kinda thing .... and 23.... thats the year .... see i know that there are people out there that always say that highschool is the best time of your life.... i dont think you could pay me to do that again ... and then others say college.... well i was pretty much a total dork and didnt do anything in college of note except the trip to the galapagos ... which is nothing to sneeze at ... and would love to repeate that but not the whole college thing .... no 23 is the year i could do over again ....
i had a decent job ... one with benifits.... was comfortable in it ... taking classes on the side in things i thought were cool.... knowing this was just the start of my life.... moved out shortly after that .... had people that didnt live forever away i could do things with .... still spent holidays with my family like christmas .... and easter .. thanksgiving ..... no stomach troubles.... would have been better if i had found out about my hypersomnia then ..... i was dating a pretty great guy ....the only thing i hadnt done i dont think was move out .... but i had my car and it was paid off .... i was meeting all my expences .... and probably spent way too much time online .... oh and i also started dressing like a girl or rather stopped wearing clothes two sizes too big =) ... and they were finally starting to make pants that were long enough ..... yes that is monumental ....
that was my life at 23 ...
i can remember having a conversation with a friend about having a feeling most of my life of never fitting in ... never quite feeling at home where i was doing what i was doing and being with those people i called my friends .... and very much for the most part always feeling on the outside looking in on things .... and there have been a few times in my life i have felt that .... this connection of being in the right place at the right time ... a feeling of belonging .... its contentment..... that things are really right in the world.... i just can never make those things last ... to make that perment ... and there is something to that ... you know a humanistic thing that once we reach conetentment we then have to reach for the next thing .... *shrugs*
i dont know that this has helped me figure out what it is i should do next ..... but i hope that it will keep this in mind when i am looking for what it is i am suppose to do next ...