I'm getting tired of this.
Tired of this fucking relationship.
Not a day goes by that I don't hear that I'm selfish, a bitch or that I'm stupid is implied.
Yes, he's done and does a lot of things for me, he thinks of me. I think of him too, I do things too, just not the same things.
We got into an argument yesterday because I had gone out with my Mom. I left at 4:30..right after leaving, she bought me a tea. I didn't get home until after 7 but I don't think of him because I didn't bring something home for him to drink too. How the hell? I was gone for almost 3 hours--why would I pick you up a drink, let it sit in a hot ass car for 3 hours then bring it back for you? It seems ridiculous to me.
Today, we got into one of the biggest fights we've had. We're moving, therefore packing. I moved some CD cases off of the entertainment center and put them in a box that had other stuff from the entertainment center. Well, he went off on me. Apparently, it was a box for only his things, not any of mine. Whatever. If it's going to be like that, fine. I took his things out of a different box and used it for all of my things. He got even more mad. I can't put things in his box but he should be able to keep things in mine? He told me how stupid I was, how retarded I am. How I'm a cunt and a bitch. He asked why I kept separating our things. I told him I didn't want him to move in to my Moms. He dumped my things all over the floor. He made sure it was a big mess to clean, but I did it & kept putting his things to the side.
He kept on harassing me about it until I told him we were over. He told me that I could get out and that I'd never see my daughter again. I declined. He kept on saying how I was an unfit mother. He physically pushed me out of the apartment and I nearly fell into my neighbors door across the hall. He kept me locked out for a good 10 minutes. Screaming at me that everything of mine was his now and how much of a stupid, dirty cunt I am. I finally told him that if he wants it to be like this, that's fine. I told him exactly what I'd do. I'd call the cops on him for locking me out. I'd also tell them how he has felony amounts of drugs in his possession while my infant daughter was inside. (He had friends over, so I could easily deny that it was there before I was locked out). Afterwards, I'd make a nice, sweet call to INS, telling them his citizen status-a VERY expired visa. Not only would it fuck him, his family. The only legal one is his dad. He would lose everything. He tried saying that Lynore would go with him because I'm so unfit; because he has family in Germany. So fucking what? He's broke, his family is broke. She is a US citizen. I have family here. I don't do drugs, I'm her mother. After that was said, I was let inside and he was basically in tears saying how much he loves me.
I'm seriously getting tired of his bi-polar bullshit. I don't know what his family did but they're all fuck ups in one way or another. His Mom is a lazy bitch, his older sister was always on drugs (heroin, crack, meth) and got deported for check theft and fraud. Younger brother is and has been in and out of prison since before we were together. Most recently, because he stabbed his baby brother. The youngest isn't so bad..but they all have these insane, violent, bi-polar personalities. I thought I was fucked up for the shit I've been through but I feel so fucking normal and collected compared to these assholes.
He denies his dramatic change in personality. He says I changed and became a selfish bitch.
He's right, I did. He started getting too drunk. He started saying I was too clingy for him. He said he didn't like it when I wanted to be around him so much. He started fucking calling gay sex lines behind my back. He lied to me about it. He put his friends first.
Why would I be nice to that?
Now he wants me to be clingy. He says that it just stopped and seems to forget the ultimatum "space or break up" that he gave to me. Now, I'm the whore because we've had other partners and they enjoy me more; because he tells me to do something and I do. As for the friends..they're still before me to an extent. We don't talk about our problems because he doesn't want to. We're not as close anymore. We don't have sex as often. That is all because I hate him, according to him. Not because we have people over from 8am until god knows when, in and out. Showing up with out calling, staying for hours. People who talk loud, who bitch about how we live. Yeah, I really want to fuck with that going on. It's hard to get close and be a real couple when you have 6 other people here wanting to kick it for the whole damned day. Every time I say I don't want company, he says to deal with it, it's not a problem, I'm just being a bitch. Since the sex is less frequent (1-2 times a week), he threatens me with other girls. Saying he wants to fuck/get a BJ from this girl or that. Even his disgusting, obnoxious, ex, since I don't do it for him.
He doesn't seem to grasp the concept that the more uncalled for outbursts he has at me, the more he threatens me with a problem he can fix, the more he pushes me away and turns me against him.
With all of this that is going on, I'm getting way to stressed. I don't even feel sane anymore. I feel inhuman. It's getting harder to sleep, harder to concentrate. All the while, in the back of my mind, I feel an evolution.
I'm so fucking tired of this love/hate relationship we have. I want to leave but I don't.
I don't know the answer and I have a good idea of what I should do but I don't want to do it. I want things back how they used to be. Working, having friends over on occasion..hanging out on the weekend. I miss how kind he used to be, how much we used to love eachother. I want to hold out that magic will happen and it will be like that again but I'm losing hope every day.
Not a day goes by that I don't hear that I'm selfish, a bitch or that I'm stupid is implied.
Yes, he's done and does a lot of things for me, he thinks of me. I think of him too, I do things too, just not the same things.
We got into an argument yesterday because I had gone out with my Mom. I left at 4:30..right after leaving, she bought me a tea. I didn't get home until after 7 but I don't think of him because I didn't bring something home for him to drink too. How the hell? I was gone for almost 3 hours--why would I pick you up a drink, let it sit in a hot ass car for 3 hours then bring it back for you? It seems ridiculous to me.
Today, we got into one of the biggest fights we've had. We're moving, therefore packing. I moved some CD cases off of the entertainment center and put them in a box that had other stuff from the entertainment center. Well, he went off on me. Apparently, it was a box for only his things, not any of mine. Whatever. If it's going to be like that, fine. I took his things out of a different box and used it for all of my things. He got even more mad. I can't put things in his box but he should be able to keep things in mine? He told me how stupid I was, how retarded I am. How I'm a cunt and a bitch. He asked why I kept separating our things. I told him I didn't want him to move in to my Moms. He dumped my things all over the floor. He made sure it was a big mess to clean, but I did it & kept putting his things to the side.
He kept on harassing me about it until I told him we were over. He told me that I could get out and that I'd never see my daughter again. I declined. He kept on saying how I was an unfit mother. He physically pushed me out of the apartment and I nearly fell into my neighbors door across the hall. He kept me locked out for a good 10 minutes. Screaming at me that everything of mine was his now and how much of a stupid, dirty cunt I am. I finally told him that if he wants it to be like this, that's fine. I told him exactly what I'd do. I'd call the cops on him for locking me out. I'd also tell them how he has felony amounts of drugs in his possession while my infant daughter was inside. (He had friends over, so I could easily deny that it was there before I was locked out). Afterwards, I'd make a nice, sweet call to INS, telling them his citizen status-a VERY expired visa. Not only would it fuck him, his family. The only legal one is his dad. He would lose everything. He tried saying that Lynore would go with him because I'm so unfit; because he has family in Germany. So fucking what? He's broke, his family is broke. She is a US citizen. I have family here. I don't do drugs, I'm her mother. After that was said, I was let inside and he was basically in tears saying how much he loves me.
I'm seriously getting tired of his bi-polar bullshit. I don't know what his family did but they're all fuck ups in one way or another. His Mom is a lazy bitch, his older sister was always on drugs (heroin, crack, meth) and got deported for check theft and fraud. Younger brother is and has been in and out of prison since before we were together. Most recently, because he stabbed his baby brother. The youngest isn't so bad..but they all have these insane, violent, bi-polar personalities. I thought I was fucked up for the shit I've been through but I feel so fucking normal and collected compared to these assholes.
He denies his dramatic change in personality. He says I changed and became a selfish bitch.
He's right, I did. He started getting too drunk. He started saying I was too clingy for him. He said he didn't like it when I wanted to be around him so much. He started fucking calling gay sex lines behind my back. He lied to me about it. He put his friends first.
Why would I be nice to that?
Now he wants me to be clingy. He says that it just stopped and seems to forget the ultimatum "space or break up" that he gave to me. Now, I'm the whore because we've had other partners and they enjoy me more; because he tells me to do something and I do. As for the friends..they're still before me to an extent. We don't talk about our problems because he doesn't want to. We're not as close anymore. We don't have sex as often. That is all because I hate him, according to him. Not because we have people over from 8am until god knows when, in and out. Showing up with out calling, staying for hours. People who talk loud, who bitch about how we live. Yeah, I really want to fuck with that going on. It's hard to get close and be a real couple when you have 6 other people here wanting to kick it for the whole damned day. Every time I say I don't want company, he says to deal with it, it's not a problem, I'm just being a bitch. Since the sex is less frequent (1-2 times a week), he threatens me with other girls. Saying he wants to fuck/get a BJ from this girl or that. Even his disgusting, obnoxious, ex, since I don't do it for him.
He doesn't seem to grasp the concept that the more uncalled for outbursts he has at me, the more he threatens me with a problem he can fix, the more he pushes me away and turns me against him.
With all of this that is going on, I'm getting way to stressed. I don't even feel sane anymore. I feel inhuman. It's getting harder to sleep, harder to concentrate. All the while, in the back of my mind, I feel an evolution.
I'm so fucking tired of this love/hate relationship we have. I want to leave but I don't.
I don't know the answer and I have a good idea of what I should do but I don't want to do it. I want things back how they used to be. Working, having friends over on occasion..hanging out on the weekend. I miss how kind he used to be, how much we used to love eachother. I want to hold out that magic will happen and it will be like that again but I'm losing hope every day.