Home Alone tonight.
We went to a party tonight at his friends house. It was a decent time, not quite a party, as it was more of a get together.
His friend asked us for female advise...the situation isn't really relevant. Thiemos advice was to "ask for some head." I told him he was ignorant. Not in a mean bitchy way; it was in a casual, passive way "No, that's ignorant." I went to walk away and got pushed but not enough to fall over..it was more like I stumbled.
I feel I should mention that he was drunk, I was sober (still am).
I avoided him. I smoked a cigarette, drank a mixed drink. He came over and tried to touch me as if nothing happened, I told him not to. He asked if I was still mad, I told him yes.
He crouched next to me and told me I was a selfish, worthless bitch. He was whispering this and went on with how worthless I was, how he doesn't care, how no one does or ever will care about me. How useless I was, how much I was a dyke. He told me to go home because no one wanted me there, no one cared that I was there. He repeatedly asked why I was still there. He told me to walk home like the selfish, worthless, dyke bitch that I was.
Time passed, I kept to myself, from him anyway. He played nice again, asking if I was ready to go home. I said yes..he said to ask for a ride.
Talked to Ashley, she agreed to drive me home. By this point, he is forcing my friend to get into a trunk that has some type of explosive (from what I gather) inside. They were called "betty boopers". Everyone told him to stop, he didn't. Finally, he had to be kept away while Alex let Paul out. (They had pins to keep them inactive and the safety pin to keep the actual pins in were missing). He was outside at midnight being loud, being mean to other people, being drunk in general.
I told Ashley how I could barely stand to be around him when he was drunk--she brought up what he said downstairs and agreed that he isn't the same and seems more bi polar. She and Matt are going to talk to him tomorrow when he sobers.
I came home alone; I insisted on it. I feel like shit for leaving him there, as I am pretty sure if we were in the same sitation, reversed, he wouldn't do that to me. I know, however, that if he came home with me, we'd fight. I know it would be a repeat of my family reunion and I"d have to call the cops.
I'm actually pretty scared that he will try to come back tonight...angry, drunk and mean. I have the doors locked but that doesn't even feel like it's safe enough. I'm slightly worried he will try and break a window or something.
I know what needs to be done but I dont want it to be that way. I love him, I do. It's just getting to the point where I can't anymore. It reminds me too much of the outbursts my Dad used to have (severe un managed diabetes). I don't want that.
I always said I'd never get into a situation like this. I always thought myself stronger and smarter than the girls who stay with their abusive partners. Now, I realize how it works. You don't know they're abusive until you're already hooked. They hide the ugly truth until they know just how much you love them. Then it starts. By that point, it's so hard to leave. You feel sorry for them and find excuses. I still feel sorry for him. I probably always will. Same way with loving him.
Tomorrow, I'm going to make him talk. We have a serious problem here. I am going to give him the chance he doesn't deserve, most likely. We can move into my Moms but he has to find a way to get free psychiatric evaluation & medication. If he refuses, I'm gone, so is his daughter. The first time he tries any of this stupid shit at my Mothers, his chance is done. I may be selfish, I know I can be a bitch but I know that's not the reason for all of our problems anymore.
...That is it.
I feel so tired & need to get up with my daughter but I feel as if I need to stay awake incase anything happens.....
His friend asked us for female advise...the situation isn't really relevant. Thiemos advice was to "ask for some head." I told him he was ignorant. Not in a mean bitchy way; it was in a casual, passive way "No, that's ignorant." I went to walk away and got pushed but not enough to fall over..it was more like I stumbled.
I feel I should mention that he was drunk, I was sober (still am).
I avoided him. I smoked a cigarette, drank a mixed drink. He came over and tried to touch me as if nothing happened, I told him not to. He asked if I was still mad, I told him yes.
He crouched next to me and told me I was a selfish, worthless bitch. He was whispering this and went on with how worthless I was, how he doesn't care, how no one does or ever will care about me. How useless I was, how much I was a dyke. He told me to go home because no one wanted me there, no one cared that I was there. He repeatedly asked why I was still there. He told me to walk home like the selfish, worthless, dyke bitch that I was.
Time passed, I kept to myself, from him anyway. He played nice again, asking if I was ready to go home. I said yes..he said to ask for a ride.
Talked to Ashley, she agreed to drive me home. By this point, he is forcing my friend to get into a trunk that has some type of explosive (from what I gather) inside. They were called "betty boopers". Everyone told him to stop, he didn't. Finally, he had to be kept away while Alex let Paul out. (They had pins to keep them inactive and the safety pin to keep the actual pins in were missing). He was outside at midnight being loud, being mean to other people, being drunk in general.
I told Ashley how I could barely stand to be around him when he was drunk--she brought up what he said downstairs and agreed that he isn't the same and seems more bi polar. She and Matt are going to talk to him tomorrow when he sobers.
I came home alone; I insisted on it. I feel like shit for leaving him there, as I am pretty sure if we were in the same sitation, reversed, he wouldn't do that to me. I know, however, that if he came home with me, we'd fight. I know it would be a repeat of my family reunion and I"d have to call the cops.
I'm actually pretty scared that he will try to come back tonight...angry, drunk and mean. I have the doors locked but that doesn't even feel like it's safe enough. I'm slightly worried he will try and break a window or something.
I know what needs to be done but I dont want it to be that way. I love him, I do. It's just getting to the point where I can't anymore. It reminds me too much of the outbursts my Dad used to have (severe un managed diabetes). I don't want that.
I always said I'd never get into a situation like this. I always thought myself stronger and smarter than the girls who stay with their abusive partners. Now, I realize how it works. You don't know they're abusive until you're already hooked. They hide the ugly truth until they know just how much you love them. Then it starts. By that point, it's so hard to leave. You feel sorry for them and find excuses. I still feel sorry for him. I probably always will. Same way with loving him.
Tomorrow, I'm going to make him talk. We have a serious problem here. I am going to give him the chance he doesn't deserve, most likely. We can move into my Moms but he has to find a way to get free psychiatric evaluation & medication. If he refuses, I'm gone, so is his daughter. The first time he tries any of this stupid shit at my Mothers, his chance is done. I may be selfish, I know I can be a bitch but I know that's not the reason for all of our problems anymore.
...That is it.
I feel so tired & need to get up with my daughter but I feel as if I need to stay awake incase anything happens.....