In which I realize the obvious.
So, I just got in to Tuscaloosa tonight for the first time since I left (was kicked out of my house) in February. Emily and Alston are most graciously letting me stay in their spare room. <3 I also stayed here while I was figuring out where I was going to go back in Feb.
No, I haven't seen any of the destruction yet. It was dark when I drove in, and I drove through the un-fucked part of town. I'll get a scope of the damage tomorrow afternoon. But as I drove down the familiar roads, saw the beloved sights of Tuscaloosa, I had an ugly ugly internal fight with myself. I was fighting a chemical, basic wave of euphoria reserved for returning home after a long absence with reason. I could almost hear the two voices in my head bicker. It went something like...
"YAY. Home! Happy."
"No. Visiting."
"...Home. Happy."
"No. Visiting."
"... ...Home? ... :("
"No. Not home anymore."
"Sad."
"Yes, very sad."
I could ALMOST feel my heart beating again. It surprised me how strong this feeling was, this overwhelming sorrow that my stay here is only temporary. I NEVER felt this way about Fairhope. Or anywhere else, for that matter. But then it hit me. Of course.
I've been nomadic since I was a child. Chaos' fingers in my life have sent me here and there, back and forth for as long as I can remember. I've lived in San Fransisco (that was fun), Pittsburgh (that wasn't), Tampa, Atlanta, Fairhope. And I never lived anywhere longer than 3 years or so. I bounced back and forth between Pittsburgh and Fairhope for a while as my parents fought over me, never staying in one place long enough to be comfortable.
I NEVER liked it this way. One of my most desperate desires has been to settle down in a place and just stay there. Stability. Comfort. It would be nice.
Then I moved to Tuscaloosa, and I stayed there. For six years. That's about twice as long as the next runner up. Tuscaloosa IS the closest thing I've ever had to the thing I've wanted most desperately since I was a toddler. I met people and had experiences here that changed my life and will stay in my heart until I die.
...Yes, home. Tuscaloosa is home.
Sad.
Sad, but obviously very happy to be here.
It doesn't help that I have NO fucking friends in Fairhope to go back to, and I have people up here who love me.
Edit: (About 5 minutes later...) It also doesn't help that reading over this post makes me think of how fucking horrified I would be if I had the chance to time-warp read this in January. So much has gone so wrong.
Yeah, sorry past Estelle. James is going to leave you, boot you out, and then all your "friends" back home are going to act like you're a Leper. OH! THEN! Tuscaloosa is going to get devoured by a tornado. But look on the bright side...
Umm...
Uh...
Err um...
Ah, yes. There is a bright side. You finally find a job, and as jobs go, this one's not so bad. Everyone you work with will be nice to you, and make you feel really good about yourself. This job will enable you to do things like drive back up to your home and visit the people you miss on a lark. You also live in the age of the Internet, and your long distance friends don't necessarily feel that far away. And, through the love and encouragement of said friends, you will find a strength you never knew you had, and though it won't feel like it when it first happens, you'll get through it.
Aw.
No, I haven't seen any of the destruction yet. It was dark when I drove in, and I drove through the un-fucked part of town. I'll get a scope of the damage tomorrow afternoon. But as I drove down the familiar roads, saw the beloved sights of Tuscaloosa, I had an ugly ugly internal fight with myself. I was fighting a chemical, basic wave of euphoria reserved for returning home after a long absence with reason. I could almost hear the two voices in my head bicker. It went something like...
"YAY. Home! Happy."
"No. Visiting."
"...Home. Happy."
"No. Visiting."
"... ...Home? ... :("
"No. Not home anymore."
"Sad."
"Yes, very sad."
I could ALMOST feel my heart beating again. It surprised me how strong this feeling was, this overwhelming sorrow that my stay here is only temporary. I NEVER felt this way about Fairhope. Or anywhere else, for that matter. But then it hit me. Of course.
I've been nomadic since I was a child. Chaos' fingers in my life have sent me here and there, back and forth for as long as I can remember. I've lived in San Fransisco (that was fun), Pittsburgh (that wasn't), Tampa, Atlanta, Fairhope. And I never lived anywhere longer than 3 years or so. I bounced back and forth between Pittsburgh and Fairhope for a while as my parents fought over me, never staying in one place long enough to be comfortable.
I NEVER liked it this way. One of my most desperate desires has been to settle down in a place and just stay there. Stability. Comfort. It would be nice.
Then I moved to Tuscaloosa, and I stayed there. For six years. That's about twice as long as the next runner up. Tuscaloosa IS the closest thing I've ever had to the thing I've wanted most desperately since I was a toddler. I met people and had experiences here that changed my life and will stay in my heart until I die.
...Yes, home. Tuscaloosa is home.
Sad.
Sad, but obviously very happy to be here.
It doesn't help that I have NO fucking friends in Fairhope to go back to, and I have people up here who love me.
Edit: (About 5 minutes later...) It also doesn't help that reading over this post makes me think of how fucking horrified I would be if I had the chance to time-warp read this in January. So much has gone so wrong.
Yeah, sorry past Estelle. James is going to leave you, boot you out, and then all your "friends" back home are going to act like you're a Leper. OH! THEN! Tuscaloosa is going to get devoured by a tornado. But look on the bright side...
Umm...
Uh...
Err um...
Ah, yes. There is a bright side. You finally find a job, and as jobs go, this one's not so bad. Everyone you work with will be nice to you, and make you feel really good about yourself. This job will enable you to do things like drive back up to your home and visit the people you miss on a lark. You also live in the age of the Internet, and your long distance friends don't necessarily feel that far away. And, through the love and encouragement of said friends, you will find a strength you never knew you had, and though it won't feel like it when it first happens, you'll get through it.
Aw.