Who's Da Boss 2008 Final: Wonder Woman vs Patrick Stewart
vs
Wonder Woman vs Patrick Stewart
Or, as I like to think of it, amazon_ww's heart vs amazon_ww's loins. Yesterday's semi-final match saw an explosion of comicbook-nerd support for Wonder Woman (obviously, someone's been recruiting). Will someone do the same with Star Trek fans for Patrick Stewart over the next three days? When this fight ends on Saturday, will I be sifting through votes from people I've never seen before, and why didn't anyone try doing this earlier? Surely, at least a few of these drummed-up voters might have stuck around a little longer through the competition if they'd been brought in earlier...
Regardless, this is it, the final battle of Who's Da Boss 2008. On the one hand, we have Wonder Woman, super-powered bondage queen, whose very first battle against Iron Man proved to be a close one, and whose victory (until yesterday) seemed largely unsure. On the other, we have Patrick Stewart, who other than Edward James Olmos and the K-T Meteor has crushed every opponent he has come across and has been the favorite in this competition since he first entered it four months ago. Now, only one of these titans can make it on to the coveted title of Boss, to join Giants like Christopher Walken and Gautama Buddha (I prefer not to think about the Monty Python Foot incident).
Please, also keep in mind that this is your last chance to get featured commentary, so I expect to see some comedy gold!
I've been saying it for months, and today I'll say it one last time (until perhaps the beginning of Who's Da Boss 2009): VOTE NOW!
Winner:
Wonder Woman (19 votes)
over
Patrick Stewart (12 votes)
The debate has raged. The votes have been cast. The people have spoken, and today, Who's Da Boss 2008 comes to an end with the crowning of your champion, your Boss for 2008, Wonder Woman. She has battled her way through fellow seeds and elite four picks, through sexism and lamitude, to defeat the first major favorite for boss in the final round. Arise, Wonder Woman, and join the hallowed ranks of the Bosses.
Featured commentary:
The year was 1979. Patrick Stewart and I had been traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest when we came to rest as the small port of Tseng-Peng. We had been down these narrow cobblestone streets a thousand times, but this evening, it never looked so alien to us both. In the distance a child was crying...fatherless...a bastard child, perhaps. My back ached, my heart ached, but my feet endured. Stewart's feet also remained resilient as we trekked through the empty dens of Oriental sin. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. I had warned Stewart that the Dark Continent is no place for an opium addict, but in those years he had the youthful arrogance of a young pup and could not be contained.
In the intervening weeks of seeking a Seven-Per-Cent Solution for my companions taste for mind-venom, I had heard that a certain woman of Wonder whom possessed great healing knowledge would be passing through the small rice-farming village of Xiaolan. I had tracked the temptress through the thick jungles for weeks, in the hopes that she would be able to release him from his suffering. Surely, when our paths finally did cross, I found her to be nothing less than a full-fledged Victorian tribute to the female form. Spirited, and bearing the distinction of well-bred vowels, I coaxed her to return with me to where Stewart rested. To this day I lament that action, for several months earlier a Leopard Baron by the name of Swayze that Stewart had upset in a card game, had put a contract on his life. Wonder Woman had every intention of collecting on this opportunity, and followed me, in my ignorance, back to where my companion rested. There was no way for me to have known.
When she entered our hovel, Stewart was still shaking from the Shanghai Sally. Wasting no time, she bound us both in golden lasso and set fire to one end of the reed hut. The shrew believed that we would both be consumed by the inferno in minutes, and she could well have been right, if not for the escape we made using a favorite cigarette lighter and a can of pomade. We had barely leapt out of the hut with our lives before it collapsed into a mesh of raging hellfire. Not losing sight of the situation, Stewart stripped out of his few remaining clothes, unsheathed his saber (the only friend who hasn't betrayed him), and ran after Wonder Woman into the black abyss of the jungle.
I have no knowledge of what hardships my nude friend faced out there, but in the distance I could hear the familiar sounds of many forms of martial combat. I pursued, and got near enough to witness him knocking Wonder Woman down from a thick tree branch, then swing on a vine to the jungle floor to deliver a killing blow. She rolled out of his way, but he gave chase. Sabre in hand, he recalled, he cleanly cut off her head - which subsequently shot out bolts of electricity and awesome. By the time I had caught up to my companion, the Quickening had begun. His eyes met with mine as he slowly, comfortably hovered in the air, bolts of electricity shooting from every angle.
“There can be only one.”
Wonder Woman was dead, and The Prize for Stewart was a cure for his addiction, mortality, the ability to sire children, and a certain charisma from which he could understand each man's thoughts and dreams. We captured an ocean-faring junk later in the day, and set sail for Ceylon. It took months for him to forgive my bringing an outsider to our camp, even if my intentions were honorable. But we had many miles to travel together before our mission was done - there was still the matter of a horsehair vest to purchase, and a Leopard Baron to kill. Our friendship did heal over time, for the truest cure for such pains is salt water: sweat, tears and the ocean.
- outragedkodiak
"August 22nd, 2008
Wonder Woman, famed superheroine and public figure, was led away by police today as part of an ongoing investigation into several fetish-themed deaths over the past several months, along with several million dollars worth of property damages.
The superhero, also know as Diana Prince, first came to police's attention after the death by heart attack of one Tony Stark during mysterious circumstances this April. Just over a month later, one of the nation's most skilled pilots, Kara Thrace, died of a suspicious broken neck while attending one of Los Angeles's most popular nightclubs, the New Caprica. Ms Prince was in attendance, but denied involvement.
Ms Prince then took part in her general superheroing activities, battling hordes of the risen dead throughout July before hunting down their diabolical mastermind, Dr Doom and ending his threat once and for all. The nation cheered with relief, but scandal was soon to follow.
Early in August, another of Earth's defenders turned up dead - this time, the Doctor, who, due to a quirk of alien genetics, was able to testify at his own funeral that he was killed by Wonder Woman after a blind date went horribly wrong. An army of starships was dispatched to bring her to justice, only to be shattered and left scored across the Earth as she shattered them one by one. Matters only worsened when an Internet video surfaced of Wonder Woman and Doctor Doom in severely compromising positions shortly before his death, strongly suggesting a terrible sexual need burning within the disgraced superheroine's chest. Furious, Wonder Woman embarked on a global campaign of devastation, burning down hundreds of buildings and reducing the entire Internet infrastructure to rubble.
Finally, it was Patrick Stewart, revered icon, who brought her down, albeit at the cost of his own life. Feigning fascination with her lifestyle, he managed to get her into handcuffs, supposedly as part of foreplay but actually to enable her capture. Unfortunately, Mr. Stewart was not as young as he used to be, and the strain was too much for his heart, which gave out.
Ms Prince will be undergoing a long trial and sentancing. A spokesman for the Whosdaboss Corporation, which initially introduced Ms Prince to Mr Stark and set off the chain of events that led to this unfortunate end, expressed regret, but suggested that she was clearly a Champion."
(So, yeah. WW for the win.) - ecchs
Honourable mentions:
whatsupdog, laurylelf, amazon_ww and jiminwindsor