i'm going crazy!!!!
first thing's first.....
i've made a lot of mistakes in my life but if i could go back i know i still would've done them. the choices i made when i was with him were for my own good. after the first time it should've been over but no...you'd think after the 2nd time it would've definately been over because of who it was with. we stayed together...why? u never forgave me for what i did and ever since it happened it was held over my head. why is it so hard for people to forgive me when i didn't do anything to them? get over it and move on....i have and he has so shut the fuck up already. i'm not a bad person...i made bad decision because of the relationship i was in and if i had've known it would end the way it did....with u pinning me up against the wall with ur hand on my throat and me trying to call the cops and u yanking my phone out of my hand and throwing it against the wall and ur stupid friends sitting outside our apartment the whole time this was happening and they didn't feel the need to step in and help me regardless if they were ur friends or not....ur all stupid. somehow i still come out to be the bad person in all this...ok whatever fuck all of you. u know nothing.
next subject....
one of my big dreams might be shattered in 2 weeks....i recently went to the doctor and of course just my luck they found abnormal cells on my cervix...could be cancer could be nothing...if it's cancer then no kids for me and one thing i wanted to accomplish in life is being mother. i can still do that. i can adopt. but the whole mother experience of being pregnant and carrying a child...if i can't experience that my dreams is shattered. so for all u selfish people who get pregnant and have abortions or give the child up for adoption...ur giving up an experience that not everyone can experience and ur just throwing it away. shame on u and i hope u carry that guilt with u forever. a child is abeautiful gift whether it's at the right time or not, whether u can afford it or not...whatever
i'm going to cali for 2 1/2 months....crazy. CVS asked me to go help train the tech's there. we bought out a bunch of sav-on pharmacies and we're converting them into CVS. i was nominated to go by my boss which is very very flattering. i've only been working for CVS for a little over a year. other people going have been working for CVS for 5 + years....kinda intimidating. kinda having second thoughts. i'm giving up school to go do this and i don't know if it's the right thing. but hey...it's what i asked for. i asked for a way out for just a while. i asked for a vacation. this isn't going to be a vacation but it's a change of scenery for a while which hey i'm not going to complain..it's cali.
i'm leaving behind someone...this person means a lot to me. we're just "whatever" and i know that. i don't expect there to be any commitment or any type of relationship in the near future or ever really. i understand what we're doing. i didn't ask u to not sleep with anyone while i was gone..i didn't ask u to wait for me. i'm not asking u to stay loyal and whatever. but when i talk about other guys u get upset and when u talk about other girls i'm just whatever. the fact that i was hitting on ur coworker in louisianna made u upset..WHY? if this is just whatever and we're just sleeping together with no strings attached...then why does all this matter. why did i meet ur grandma, ur sister, ur niece, ur step brother, ur hair dresser for gods sake......why go through all these motions if it's just whatever. why did u play poker with me and my family and get friendly with my dad. my dad doesn't like anyone i bring home but for some reason he liked u and everytime we hang up on the phone u tell me to tell my mom, sis, dad or whoever hello. im confused here when i shouldn't be. all of this is just supposed to be an understanding and all these motions that we're going through and the little things u say or the hypothetical question u ask me...are they really hypothetical? are u just pretending to get upset when i look in someone else's direction or when i talk about other people i've been with. u say i can do whatever i want and i tell u the same thing. are we just kidding ourselves. do we really mean it. do we really want each other to sleep with whoever comes along and have this break and forget about each other for the time being and then when i get home everything will get back to normal cuz i can't do that. i'm either in this or i'm not. i'm not going to cali to find some hot surfer guys and sleep with all of them. i'm not that kinda person. i don't sleep around. ever since travis i made a promise to myself. i won't get attached to anyone who doesn't have the same moral standard about sex. i'mnot ashamed that i lost my virginity at 17. i'm not ashamed that i've slept with 6 people since then. i'm not ashamed of anything intimate that i've done with anyone. cuz everytime it meant something. the connection that mean and u have is crazy. we're getting to know each other and if it's starting to scare u or if ur realizing that u don't want just whatever then i dunno. when u figure it out let me know.
i've made a lot of mistakes in my life but if i could go back i know i still would've done them. the choices i made when i was with him were for my own good. after the first time it should've been over but no...you'd think after the 2nd time it would've definately been over because of who it was with. we stayed together...why? u never forgave me for what i did and ever since it happened it was held over my head. why is it so hard for people to forgive me when i didn't do anything to them? get over it and move on....i have and he has so shut the fuck up already. i'm not a bad person...i made bad decision because of the relationship i was in and if i had've known it would end the way it did....with u pinning me up against the wall with ur hand on my throat and me trying to call the cops and u yanking my phone out of my hand and throwing it against the wall and ur stupid friends sitting outside our apartment the whole time this was happening and they didn't feel the need to step in and help me regardless if they were ur friends or not....ur all stupid. somehow i still come out to be the bad person in all this...ok whatever fuck all of you. u know nothing.
next subject....
one of my big dreams might be shattered in 2 weeks....i recently went to the doctor and of course just my luck they found abnormal cells on my cervix...could be cancer could be nothing...if it's cancer then no kids for me and one thing i wanted to accomplish in life is being mother. i can still do that. i can adopt. but the whole mother experience of being pregnant and carrying a child...if i can't experience that my dreams is shattered. so for all u selfish people who get pregnant and have abortions or give the child up for adoption...ur giving up an experience that not everyone can experience and ur just throwing it away. shame on u and i hope u carry that guilt with u forever. a child is abeautiful gift whether it's at the right time or not, whether u can afford it or not...whatever
i'm going to cali for 2 1/2 months....crazy. CVS asked me to go help train the tech's there. we bought out a bunch of sav-on pharmacies and we're converting them into CVS. i was nominated to go by my boss which is very very flattering. i've only been working for CVS for a little over a year. other people going have been working for CVS for 5 + years....kinda intimidating. kinda having second thoughts. i'm giving up school to go do this and i don't know if it's the right thing. but hey...it's what i asked for. i asked for a way out for just a while. i asked for a vacation. this isn't going to be a vacation but it's a change of scenery for a while which hey i'm not going to complain..it's cali.
i'm leaving behind someone...this person means a lot to me. we're just "whatever" and i know that. i don't expect there to be any commitment or any type of relationship in the near future or ever really. i understand what we're doing. i didn't ask u to not sleep with anyone while i was gone..i didn't ask u to wait for me. i'm not asking u to stay loyal and whatever. but when i talk about other guys u get upset and when u talk about other girls i'm just whatever. the fact that i was hitting on ur coworker in louisianna made u upset..WHY? if this is just whatever and we're just sleeping together with no strings attached...then why does all this matter. why did i meet ur grandma, ur sister, ur niece, ur step brother, ur hair dresser for gods sake......why go through all these motions if it's just whatever. why did u play poker with me and my family and get friendly with my dad. my dad doesn't like anyone i bring home but for some reason he liked u and everytime we hang up on the phone u tell me to tell my mom, sis, dad or whoever hello. im confused here when i shouldn't be. all of this is just supposed to be an understanding and all these motions that we're going through and the little things u say or the hypothetical question u ask me...are they really hypothetical? are u just pretending to get upset when i look in someone else's direction or when i talk about other people i've been with. u say i can do whatever i want and i tell u the same thing. are we just kidding ourselves. do we really mean it. do we really want each other to sleep with whoever comes along and have this break and forget about each other for the time being and then when i get home everything will get back to normal cuz i can't do that. i'm either in this or i'm not. i'm not going to cali to find some hot surfer guys and sleep with all of them. i'm not that kinda person. i don't sleep around. ever since travis i made a promise to myself. i won't get attached to anyone who doesn't have the same moral standard about sex. i'mnot ashamed that i lost my virginity at 17. i'm not ashamed that i've slept with 6 people since then. i'm not ashamed of anything intimate that i've done with anyone. cuz everytime it meant something. the connection that mean and u have is crazy. we're getting to know each other and if it's starting to scare u or if ur realizing that u don't want just whatever then i dunno. when u figure it out let me know.