random thoughts
so wow it's been a while...i pretty much forgot about this thing! I started crying when i read all my past journals from those good old days of travis haha..i realized i'm in the exact same situation but me and this have never officially been a couple. why would you let a girl meet your family and go to your family outings and let her spend multiple nights at your house and you at hers if you just wanted a physical relationship. it's all bullshit. men just want to have their cake and eat it too. i go back to a quote the oh so wise casey wilcox sent me once..."never make someone a priority when all they're making you is an option"....wow that was a slap in the face..literally i slapped myself in the face. what the fuck am i thinking? why am i letting all these guys just walk all over me and take me for advantage. me and this "guy" kinda decided to not see each other and that things were getting to comfy about 4 months ago. so what happens? about 2 months after that he calls and says he misses me. wtf? he claims he hasn't had sex with anyone since me and him and that he hasn't really had the desire...so i smell bullshit? so i give him the benfit of a doubt and go see him one night. I walk in the door and the first thing he does is kiss me. doesn't say hi i'm so glad to see you and i'm so sorry for being stupid...no just kissed me and kinda guided me the bedroom. i'm not that type of girl anymore and for him to do that was unacceptable. i think all my problems would be solved if i just went back to church, even though i'm still sketchy about it. mormons are criticized constantly and with all this flds polygamy and child abuse shit going on i definately don't want to belong to a church that is getting confused with these fucked up people. so i saw this guy last wednesday nite and we talked for a long time ont he phone just about random stuff and he started talking about marriage and kids...not like marrying each other but just in general. i let the convo go on for a couple minutes and then i finally was like no dude we need to change to topic cuz this is just weird. uggh...the thing that gets me the most is that he's an overall good-guy...treats me way better than travis did even in the good times, he has a good job and never lets me pay and opens the door and is close with his fam and always makes me feel comfy...i feel like i can be myself around him, i can wear my pjs and no make up around him and he still thinks i'm sexy and i can be stupid and goofy and sing along to so song on the radio in the car and he just laughs and joins in. i know i don't deserve this and that i should stop rationalizing this because he's an "overall" good guy, cuz he's not a good-guy when it comes to the important things. grr...why is it so easy to fall in love with someone and then it's like the hardest thing you'll ever do to fall out of love with them. why does love have to be so complicated?