ARGH LANGUAGES

[whitesongs]

F-LIST, I NEED YOUR HELP. T___T

I've finally gone back to translating Ryutaro's Gojuonshiki (finally! haha... *cough* >.>;), but I'm having trouble phrasing some things that should be easy to phrase but they're JUST NOT. ... Have I mentioned that I hate English?

This is Sekai (The World):

Comments

[toychest_murder]

It sounds proper to me, though I think it's because I'm so used to translations. How about this?

At night,
the world quietly rests.
So I will also lay down and sleep.
This is the only time I become honest;
Feeling gravity pull my entire body without restraintm
[I] gaze at the things that are too far away.
Tonight, the already waning moon
seems to be shining more brightly than yesterday
and I think of you.

And before long sounds much better, as well.

[whitesongs]

I really like the phrase "without restraint"... I don't know about the use of the semicolon though. I could break that sentence up into 2 sentences (which is what you've kind of done), but I think that breaks the flow of him describing his nights. ..If that makes sense. Also, I won't use "too far away" because that's not actually what the Japanese text says (I'm trying to keep it as close to the original text as possible). Did you want to read the Japanese text? That might help. Actually, I'll edit the post for those who can read Japanese.

Sorry for the long comment, and thanks for your help! <3

[toychest_murder]

Ah! I saw the edit with the Japanese text; how you worded it sounds all right. How about and gaze at the things that are farthest away? Though, I'm not sure if it sounds right...

I think that's the hardest thing about translations; I hate breaking up the flow of their words when translating into English. x-x; [I tend to translate, then edit it so it sounds more understandable in English.]

It's no problem at all! <3 I'm happy to help in any way I can~

[whitesongs]

I'm glad you like my translation overall. ^^
Gaze at the things that are farthest away would make the sentence more grammatically correct, but I think it would take away some of the feel that this is a poem, if you get what I mean.. Like, in English poetry many function words are left out, which distinguishes the piece from ordinary prose. And, in some cases, highlights the creativity of the poet. Quite a few grammatical points are left out in the original text (such as 考えず instead of the standard 考えずに), so I wanted to represent that in the English translation by leaving out what I could

[edenoverdose]

Can I read the Japanese text?

This is the only time I become honest,
Without resistance,
gravity pulls at my whole body.
and I gaze at the things farthest away.

[whitesongs]

I've just edited the post with it. ^^

[tachokura]

こんにちは＾＾

ｾﾚｽﾃさんは日本語詞を英語に直した時、ｾﾚｽﾃさん自身が表現したい事を上手く英語で表現出来ていないと言ってますか？

[whitesongs]

こんにちは！ゞ（＾∀＾）

はい、その通りです。＾＾；　よく分かりましたね！
日本語の文章を英語に訳してみると、時々正解の英語の単語を見つけれない、または文法が変か間違って、表現したいことと違ってなっちゃいます．．．。それで、翻訳するのはかなり難しくなって、助けを求めなければなりません。＾＾；

ちなみに、たちょ倉さんが日本語文を読めますね。どう思いますか？私は、この詩が好きです。＾＾

コメントありがとうございます！（´▽`*）

P.S. 前のコメントでごめんなさい！私でしたけど、Loginしませんでした。汗

[tachokura]

私も日本語を英語にする時、自分の気持ちを上手く表現出来なくてﾁｮｺﾁｮｺ困ります(つω･｡)
反対に英語を日本語に翻訳した時、あまりにストレートな言葉にﾋﾞｯｸﾘします(ﾟﾛﾟﾉ)ﾉ wow!!!
『この歌詞について』
とても大きな世界観で私には少し難しい…。
でも、なんとなくですが、少し切なくて胸がｷｭﾝとなる詞だと思いました。

最後に『虫の息』とありますが、この歌は死を予感させる歌ですか？

[whitesongs]

やっぱり難しいですよね、言語は．．．。（＞_＜;）
えっ、あなたには英語を日本語にするのは易しいですか？すごいですよ！私にとっても、英語がひどいです。好きじゃないです。（笑）

歌詞について、そう思いますよ。世界になじんでみても、なじむことができない人のストーリーだと思います。で、苦しくて、結局、その人は死にます。かなり悲しいですね．．．。でも、竜太朗くん（この詞の作詞）の世界観がちょっと変わったですから、よくこういうストーリーを考えます。まあ、竜太朗くんはヴィジュアル系のヴォーカリストで、ヴィジュアル系のアーティストはダークなテーマをよく使いますよね。

[eatyou_alive]

hello~ are you a perfectionist at these sort of things? ^^;

just offering my opinions i've had some experience translating stuff so i know the frustration you feel because we always want to phrase it in english in the closest and most accurate way. but sometimes i think what's more important is the feeling of the sentence.. do i make sense? XDDD *gets hit*

anyway i'd translate it like this:

*
It's only this time I succumb
and without resisting,
i feel gravity pull all of me in
while i gaze at the furthest thing

*
Slowly, my breath becomes faint
(or)
And soon, my breath becomes faint

[kashu_desu]

uh. Thats the fun part about translating. Are you willing to give up some of the origina content, fudge it abit, so that its coherent in english? Or rather translate directly and have all the english speakers completely confused but nonetheless, with the gist (and possibly capable of singing along ahah).
<3 I want to hear this song nowwwww TT____TT
(oi! Where have you disappeared off to!!!??? My life is sad and dark [much like your lj layout] with said absence~~~

なんでやろッ！！（泣）