ARGH LANGUAGES

[whitesongs]

F-LIST, I NEED YOUR HELP. T___T

I've finally gone back to translating Ryutaro's Gojuonshiki (finally! haha... *cough* >.>;), but I'm having trouble phrasing some things that should be easy to phrase but they're JUST NOT. ... Have I mentioned that I hate English?

This is Sekai (The World):

Comments

[whitesongs]

I'm glad you like my translation overall. ^^
Gaze at the things that are farthest away would make the sentence more grammatically correct, but I think it would take away some of the feel that this is a poem, if you get what I mean.. Like, in English poetry many function words are left out, which distinguishes the piece from ordinary prose. And, in some cases, highlights the creativity of the poet. Quite a few grammatical points are left out in the original text (such as 考えず instead of the standard 考えずに), so I wanted to represent that in the English translation by leaving out what I could.

And yeah, I realise I think about all the little details way too much. ._." I just want to make these translations as correct as possible because I feel like they deserve it. I mean, I respect Ryutarou a lot and I want to do his work justice, especially pieces as unique and creative as these.

I've actually been translating and then editing too. ^^; But I find it a really lengthy process - some of the pieces have taken me months to get them to a standard where I'm happy to show other people, but even then I still don't think they're perfect. Plus, I'm really picky about the words I use, even with English poetry. I focus a lot on tone, and so try to use certain words to fit the mood. And often, I just can't find the words I need.

Thank you again for all your suggestions. ^^ I'm really looking forward to your critique when I show you some others (if you're up to looking at them, that is!). :3