Illusion 7
I can’t remember when exactly I started despising my father. But I just woke up one day, on my way to my schedule with the psychiatrist, that I realized that everything changed in my family as soon as we buried the oldest second generation of the Seo family. The fact that I was meeting up with a psychiatrist made our relationship as a family blurry. I suddenly stopped calling my father ‘Dad’ because of the overwhelming anger that were building inside my chest, he threw away his responsibilities as a father right when we were living without our light, the life of our family.
Until now, the same amount anger is still in my heart, he has been pushing me away, forcing me to take over all Jonghyun’s responsibility as the oldest child. He had planned it all for him, his future, his company. And somehow, all these years, I know that he is blaming me for his death. He just needs someone to blame someone, the frustration, and the destroyed plans. I never stop hating him with his choice of neglecting me.
But that moment, when he speaks about Jung Yonghwa, the anger feels so unreal inside. My heart beating in an irregular and painful speed, I begin panting along with my cheeks reddening. He seems proud of whatever news his secretary reports to him. The way I sense the same voice the father I used to love, a small smile on his face.
I do not like it. I realize just now that I do not want to make him proud at all.
It has been days, I did not give him any reply and walked away from him. I could not bear to see him that I have to ask someone to tell me whenever he is on his way home. I know I should start pushing Yonghwa away, to stop seeing him, to stop craving for his kisses but I couldn’t. Instead, I continue to kiss him harder, laugh with him louder and do almost everything with him.
Maybe it’s lust, maybe it’s like but I wish it is not anything stronger than that. Whenever I look at his eyes, watching his brown eyes flicker softly on me, the softening of his pools that never fails to flip something inside me in a stupid way, I somehow feel scared. All the emotions with him are new, I never feel anything like this at all, and I feel lost. And as time goes, as our kisses become more urgent, the touches feel more passionate and the urges become more unbearable, without any intention, I feel more attached to him than ever. Like I hold on to him for my life.
And as I couldn’t help my leg from moving in impatience while waiting for Yonghwa to come back from buying us latte, I know that the familiar bursting emotion and longing for him is up again. I have been missing him too much, he has been out for half an hour and I could not stay still anymore. I drum my fingers against my thighs, trying my best to focus on the movie playing on the television.
I feel my heart beating hard against my chest, leaving me panting in anticipation of seeing him again. I must be really crazy, I should start planning on how to leave him but it all goes back to wanting to be just near him. I exhale a huge amount of breath when I hear the door ringing indicating that it has been opened.
“He-“ I hastily jump out from the couch to rush to him, letting him know how I am feeling for the past half an hour. Impatiently bringing my mouth to his, our kisses usually start in a slow and sweet motion, lingering every part of each other’s lips, memorizing each other. But my impatience is killing me, our mouths are moving quicker and more urgently than before, I am about to push my tongue into his when he pulls back with his eyebrows stitch together but a small smile to comfort me.
“What was that?” Yonghwa asks, putting the carton where our lattes are at the center table. He quickly brushes my hair off my face, his eyes lingering on my face.
I shrug, slowly shifting my eyes from his eyes down to his lips. Enjoying how delicious and appealing it looks, I lean closer to him, pressing our bodies together, breathing on his chin as I look back to his eyes. I know he recognizes the different tint of longing in my eyes as we stare at each other. Within the next ticking of the clock, our mouth are crashed together once again, we clumsily stumble back fall down to his couch. I settle myself on his lap, my legs already around his waist as I leaned both of my hands on the couch, positioning myself better to feel the heat between us.
It always happens between us, the increasing level of tension whenever we kiss each other senselessly, as we roam our hands to the wonder of each other. But we usually get away right before we completely lose ourselves, after the heavenly panting from humping each other. However, at this moment, as I throw my head back feeling his soft lips leaving rough kisses all over my jaws to my neck down to my shoulder, my mind won’t let me think straight anymore.
I unconsciously thrust against him, gasping at the amazement of the feeling I get from his hardness. I grip my hands on his shoulders, telling how he is affecting me. He places his hands on my hips, controlling how it should be done, he continues pushing himself against me. I let out a loud moan with the flow of our interaction, my hands are shaking as I rest it on his cheeks, capturing his lips once again to save myself from trembling too much. He pushes his tongue a second later, battling with mine as we deepen our kiss more the next minute. I can feel the corner of his mouth, loving our tongue caressing each other.
“Joohyun” He pants, pulling away, his eyes flickering as he looks at me. “We still have to meet Minhyuk, remember?” I lean my forehead against his, closing my eyes as I rest for a minute, knowing exactly why he suddenly chooses to stop what we are doing.
I nod quickly, gulping. I begin tracing his neck with lazy kisses, my fingers finding comfort running through his hair. He removes the coat I am wearing, throwing it on our side at the couch, his hand quickly finds it way inside my shirt, massaging the lower part of my back, subtly touching the waistband of my jeans. I shiver from his cold hand on my skin, eliciting a despair moan from my throat. Our lips meet again, finally kissing in a slow and intimate pace as if we are pouring all our emotions in it.
“Minhyuk-Joohyun-we should-“ I hear his voice pleading as he tries to pull back from our kiss, I know he is trying all his best to control himself and it earns another good ache inside my chest. I feel dizzy with his hands continuing to caress my skin so I lean down to his collarbone to suck a part of it, my tongue praising its softness. “Baby” He reaches for my cheeks and leads my eyes to his. I hate that I feel special whenever he calls me that, I hate how I can’t control myself whenever we start kissing. “Calm down” His voice coming out husky and low when he stares right through my eyes, watching me struggle with my breathing.
I take a deep breath with every exhale I do as I stare right back at him. Minhyuk had invited us for a dinner date the other day, saying he’s got a surprise for me. I wrap my arms around his neck, leaning my weight on him.
“What time is it?” I whisper.
“7.30”
I nod, “Okay, let’s go” I convulse on the couch and watch him fix his shirt and hair as he stands. I suddenly feel tired with our roughness and urgency of our hormones. He makes me weak, vulnerable and uncontrollable when we share kisses and stares. My ability to control myself is useless when I am around him.
He extends his hand, a gorgeous smile ready for me. I let him drag me so I can stand, once again, I put all my weight on him, pressing our bodies together. He raises my face so he could stare at me, he runs his hands through my hair, fixing it from our messy actions earlier.
Silence accompanies us while driving to the hotel Minhyuk and I love to dine at, the same place where I let Yonghwa stay in my life. If I would have thought my father would adore my relationship with him, I would have push him away, tell him to back off. So I would not bother myself right now. The feelings, the invisible strong thread tied around my heart and all his crap are finally taking its toll on me. I never thought it would be like this, that it would affect how I am.
I just feel restless without him now.
“You alright?” Yonghwa asks, in his stupid soft voice that never fails to pull a string somewhere in the deepest corner of my heart.
I try not to roll my eyes at him when I look at him to nod. My mind seems to fail to process that Jung Yonghwa has its effect on me. His brown eyes that always bore into mine, the perfect curved of his nose and his sexy lips that I always want to kiss. Despite his god-like features, he has been nothing but a perfect gentleman since day one.
It is my first time to feel something strong for a guy, I never have to entertain persistent guys back then. Jonghyun and Minhyuk were busy scaring anyone who would dare to show any interest. So when Yonghwa comes, when he decides to push himself into my life, I lose. I don’t know anything about things like this. About wanting to be with someone as much as breathing, to feel an indescribable kind of exhilaration when I am with him, when I feel his lips on mine, when I know that he likes to be with me as much, I did not have any reason to prepare for all these.
And it’s quite stupid that I am feeling like a sick, stupid girl after just days of being with him. It feels unfair to already have such feelings towards him.
His familiar lips leaving a kiss on the crown of my head effectively brings me out of my deep thought, I take a deep breath as we step out of the elevator. I let my hand fall into his, walking inside the restaurant. I wave my other hand to Minhyuk who is seated by the wall, overlooking Seoul.
“Hey” Minhyuk greets with his eye smile.
We settle at the seats in front of him, a minute later a waiter arrives asking if we are ready to order. Minhyuk quickly rejects, saying we are still waiting for someone.
“We aren’t eating at the buffet table? And someone?”
“No, I just ate here the other day. Plus the Mediterranean restaurant has a new dish we need to try” I shake my head by how socialite he sounds like with his reply. I cannot blame him having to grow up with parents who worked hard to bring up a business empire for almost fifteen years, giving him more choices of everything he wants.
I put my elbow at the table to let my chin rest on my palm, glancing at Yonghwa. He gives me a smile when I turn at him, not minding that I catch him already staring at me.
“Look who’s here” I feel my heart jumping out of its cage when I hear a familiar voice coming from my back. I quickly turn my head, my mouth hanging slightly open in excitement when I see Jung Nicole stand before us, looking more beautiful and matured.
Standing from my seat, I hug her without any thought, laughing in amazement of seeing her again after almost ten years. She has been like Jonghyun in my life, my closest friend who was with me in every high and low moment my ten year-old self could encounter.
“You didn’t…wow, you didn’t tell me you are going back!” I glance at her then down to Minhyuk who is watching us with the same brotherly expression just like when we were still kids
Nicole shrugs with the charming eye smile I can vividly remember about her. I run my eyes over my best friend, seeing how different she looks from the innocent long haired girl back then. She cut her hair into a short hair just covering her neck, her face grows matured and more beautiful. Without her signature eye smile, I would have thought of her as another person.
“Oh my gosh” She comments to herself in Californian accent. “Jung Yonghwa!” I glance at Yonghwa who seems like he just sees her for the first time. The cool aura that even I mistaken for arrogance and overconfidence is present once again. “It’s me! Nicole Jung?” I roll my eyes when I realize that my usual straight expression has rub off on him. Nicole glances at me before looking back at him, looking all excited. “We went to the same middle school in Sherman Oaks? We even have History with Mrs. Canoe together!”
“Oh yeah…” He replies, his eyebrows still curling in thought.
Nicole fills our dinner with endless stories about her life in Los Angeles. The way she speaks excitedly, her hands and eyes moving in joy with every spill she makes, our laughter that reminisce our perfect childhood together. And somewhere in the middle of our meeting, my heart aches with the same longing of remembering my brother, how great it would be if he is in here with us, making us laugh harder with his talking.
I could not even hear her stories anymore, my mind seems to focus on the pain I haven’t had for a week, it feels different, more difficult to handle. I bow my head to stare at my finger, praying that it would not last for a long moment. I inhale when I see Yonghwa put his hand over mine, intertwining it together, as if sensing what is wrong.
Hearing the familiar ringing tone of his phone, I watch him answer it while playing with our hands on my lap. “Yeah…okay…fine” He sighs when he slides his phone back to the pocket of his coat. “That’s my cue, guys. I have to see my father in his office” Of course, fathers still caving in their offices up until this hour. “It’s nice seeing you again, Nicole. I guess I’ll be seeing you around?” He concludes, standing from his seat but still not letting my hand go.
“Of course!” Nicole beams with her reply.
Yonghwa nods his head at me, signing that I should lead him out. I sigh, excusing myself from my best friends and walk us out by the elevator. “Are you alright?” The sincerity and worry in his voice making me feel a lot better, just like the usual. I need to gather myself and stop relying on him, it will be better for us.
“Yes”
“It was my father’s secretary, he is asking for me” I nod in understanding, staring at his eyes while I feel his arms encircling around my waist. We spend a few minutes staying in that position, unaware of the envious and enjoyment of the couples and families walking by.
“You should go” I whisper, feeling him sniffing my hair.
He nods, finally leaving a lingering kiss on my forehead before going into my lips. It is just a short but sweet one, the kind where I could feel my head spinning in deep connection with him. I wait for him to get inside the elevator before going back.
“Oh hey” Nicole greets after gulping her orange juice.
I lift the side of my lips as a reply.
“So…” I cross my eyebrows sensing the unusual expression of Minhyuk. I wait for Nicole to speak up again, “You know how I already knew Yonghwa back then. And even before…I seriously, really like him already” I feel myself tensing up quickly, already knowing where she is heading. “I asked Minhyuk here how long have you been together so I am sure there isn’t any deep attachment yet” The pounding of my heart inside its cage become a bit more unbearable with every passing minute. I stare at her, at the best friend who I think will be happy for me, is trying to get the only source of strength in my life.
But she has been nothing but a very good person in my life, this might be the hidden sign that I have been wanting so I can get away from him. So I would not have anything to do with my father.
“Yes, Joohyun? You will do that for me, right?” Her eyes begging in front of me but if she had been around me after Jonghyun died, would she be doing this to me? She doesn’t know anything about what happened to me for the past four years, she doesn’t have any idea how important Jung Yonghwa has become even if it’s just days since we got together.
Staring back at how clueless she is, I gulp the invisible lump that’s quickly in my throat. I vowed in my life that I will do anything for my friends and I have been fulfilling it ever since. I could not risk losing any more of my few friends. I glance at Minhyuk, hoping he is not reading the helplessness that my chest is feeling.
“O-okay” I whisper, quiet enough to wish she does not hear it.
“Yay! Thank you so much, Joohyun! But really, you two look really-“
“I-I’m going. I’m sorry, I just remember that I have to finish this school work” I lie, quickly standing up so no one would stop me. I gather my coat and bag with me before running out to the elevator.
It is the sign. I will just take this a sign, no matter how bad the feeling of the idea of pushing him away. The irony of meeting with a long lost childhood friend ends in a painful way. Shaking, I try to call my driver as straight as possible, gulping the ache I am feeling from my throat.
Pressing my eyes together, I slowly breathe along with the thorn that is back inside me. I am back once again, in the road of nothing but darkness, the rocky road that I had taken for four years. The familiar weakness that I had before Jung Yonghwa is back in its place, hoping for a permanency again.
“So Joohyun” Father starts, exactly one week after I start cutting myself from everyone, since I start going back to my reality, maybe even worse. “How are you and Jung Yonghwa?” He always picks the perfect wrong timing, my father, he seems to know when to hit the spot when I would dislike him more.
It is one of the unfortunate and rare days that my parents decide to eat breakfast in the house. It surprises me to see them at the long dining table, after taking a bath from another long and sleepless night.
“We are not together” I reply coldly, thinking if I should add ‘anymore’ somewhere along the line.
I concentrate on my plate, ignoring the questioning and surprised look from my parents.
“Oh? But you look good together” I lazily lift my head to see if he looks sick or anything. He sounds like he cares more than he should be. His eyes focus back on me, letting me think that he means what he just said.
Decided that I should finish my breakfast, I endure the long minutes with my father, his subtle talking about Jung Yonghwa. How I should try to work things out with him, Seo Myungdae struggling to act and sound like a real father. I stand from my seat with a quiet ‘I’m finished’, ignoring their calls, the last thing I hard is Mom, bidding her ‘See you later’ at me.
It has been two days since I started going to our company, finally giving up whatever plans and ambitions I have. The emptiness that is staying inside me feels strong, I cannot think of anything else, cannot feel anything but the agonizing emotion of what I am doing, of my struggle against my father, of sacrificing the only happiness I have. I am only fulfilling my mother’s favor to help her at the company, to familiarize myself more with handling the stocks, reading endless reports and memorizing names of each important people.
Somewhere I am sure I won’t see Jung Yonghwa or even anyone that will remind me of him.
Now my Saturday will be filled up in the large office just beside Mom’s, with large stacks of papers to attend at, Mom’s secretary checking up on me from time to time. I am living the life I grew up hating and it already means nothing to me.
I have no idea how Yonghwa is handling the fact that I am avoiding him. Is he feeling the same numbness and coldness of the new hole in my heart? Can he breathe like it’s nothing? Or I am just part of his experiment that is already forgotten?
The questions, the darkness and the weakness are keeping me up during the sunlight, helping me to get through the agony of breathing. As I sit on the comfortable reclining chair in this office, I find out how deep and stupid I really feel for Jung Yonghwa. The pain every single night at my bed has become more excruciating to handle, tears have become my enemy, it flows so quickly and endless the moment I recall how perfect it is to have his lips on mine.
Just like the usual, the night comes faster as I drown myself with paper works. And with my choice of leaving the office later, I absentmindedly drive myself to Star in the Moon, thinking to drink for the first time after I stop seeing Yonghwa. I don’t understand why I can’t go back to drinking and smoking, things he hates to see me do.
“Seo Joohyun” My feet reflexively freeze on its spot, my heart beating quickly the next second, the wind seems to blow colder. I lift my eyes from the ground, confirming Jung Yonghwa’s voice, he is standing meters away from me. His hair disarray, looking like he hasn’t held any comb for days, dark circles rivalling mine, it almost like a mirror of myself.
I forcefully harden my jaw, to avoid any tears to overflow in my eyes again. Instead of moving to enter the wine bar, I stay frozen in front of him, looking all stupid with my mind not processing anything.
He quickly makes his way to get closer to me, I gasp in my mind when I see how awful he looks like with our proximity. With all the coldness I can gather from within, I look up at him squarely. Wishing it is the same with the indifferent looks I have been giving to everyone before he fucks up my life.
“What are you doing?” The unfamiliar sternness of his voice strikes me, he sounds hurt, if not offended. It comes out as a hiss, the smell of his mint breath brushing into my nose along with the visible air forming from his mouth.
All I can do is stare at him despite the closeness of our faces, let my eyes focus on the darkness of his brown eyes, trying to ignore the growing ache in my chest. I offer him nothing, maybe to give my gracious blessing to him and Nicole. I don’t know.
“Get off of me” My voice coming low from the harshness of the reality that is happening.
“No, Joohyun. I won’t let you go” My eyes widen a bit with his statement, he makes it feels like it means something else, something deeper. “What is this you are doing?” I see how his Adam ’s apple moves up and down, telling me that he is damn serious about whatever he is asking. As the wind grows stronger, I see his eyes softening, showing me the vulnerability someone like him doesn’t show. “Why are you doing this?”
I gulp, the walls I built again quickly and effortlessly stumbling again because of him. “I don’t like you” I spat.
He lets out a mocking chuckle, knowing too well to believe in what I just said. “You can’t fool me. Tell me”
It is my time to laugh darkly, the stern expression on my face is nothing compared to the whirlwind battle that is currently happening in my system. “A little too arrogant, aren’t we Jung Yonghwa?”
He exhale his frustration, his eyes burning into me, as if he is staring right through my soul. And it makes me conscious, thinking if I could just throw all the struggles I am facing alone and get through my life with him. As we stand close to each other, I don’t know exactly why I am doing this. Why I keep letting myself feel despair, see the darkness that the world has instead of choosing to be happy.
“I don’t believe you, Joohyun. Is this because of Nicole? Or your father?”
“No. This is about me not having any kind of feelings you think I can have. I am not who you think I am, Yonghwa. I can’t do what you want” I don’t know where my words are coming from, how bitter I sound against life. “I.don’t.like.you” I repeat for the sake of whoever’s sanity. “God I hate repeating myself-“
Without any warning, he crushes his mouth into mine. The rush and urgency of his emotions are felt through the roughness of our kiss, his tongue immediately finding its partner, earning an unnecessary moan from me. But he stops as soon as he starts.
“Now tell me…you don’t like that” He whispers, resting his forehead against mine, his eyes shut as if he is relieving some memories.
I wish he didn’t go further than that.
This is so unfair.