fill my suitcase
Do you remember when we used to go sledding at the 'bowl'? that large dip in the land behind your neighborhood? did I ever tell you that three years ago, shelly and i went sledding and we had an accident and my ass is permanently lop-sided because of it? I've always wanted to tell you that. I've noticed that your posts are short lately and i hope you're okay. because if you're like me-it's quite painful when your fingers can't find their way. In the mornings, when I go to church (aka take a shower) I have all these words that come together, but by the time i make it out, I've long forgotten how they fit together. I remember when I couldn't sleep because I had so much to tell, to examine-bless my roommate for dealing with the everlasting sound of computer keys late at night. I sometimes worry that I've become one of those people that let someone screw them up so terribly that even if you might try to swear you're okay-that you'll secretly have issues with being able to love someone as much, like... ever again and truthfully, I've always been in the business of love. But now, love seems like this, damaged suitcase-full of rocks. Do you believe that you can ruin love? Because I'm walking around, carrying this heavy life and I have this definition of what love feels like, and its surrounded by pain... does that mean I attract pain? I went to a funeral today... I didn't really know him, i went to support my friend who did... but his girlfriend just graduated college and he was there to see it last week, and then yesterday-his cancer killed him and I felt this hole for her and I imaged her lying next to him as he passed and my heart was so, heavy. I've felt that pain... is it worse to be abandoned by choice, because they wanted to leave? Anyways, dear friend-I hope you're okay. But if you're not and feel the need to feel some sweet release.... turn off all the lights and lay down in the middle of that large wood floor that I have determined you have, turn on a sad song like joshua radin or joni mitchell or this new amazing man called Bon Iver... and just spin. Spin until the tears swell so large that they touch every part of you skin. Cry for me-because I can't and I miss it. Release it and then refill your mind with a cigarette or a nap. And...if I've completely misread you, laugh at me, Love. Laugh, then find an old suitcase and fill it with leaves.