stupid day.

[whitbit]

I realized something when I saw him last and I'll admit they were two very weird things to realize at the same time, but thats what the night gave me and I didn't question it. I realized that he was no longer mine. He didn't look the same, act the same, hug the same or smell the same. Hell, he actually didn't even have a smell at all-or maybe I didn't even bother to breath him in when I wrapped my pale finger around his shoulder blades. He has become something else to me. My stomach did not swell; i felt nothing. It was then, when I realized I felt nothing-that I felt it all. I felt the weight of my skin and the entire scene sank into my mind and I remembered everything. It was when I understood that he was no longer mine, that i could honestly say that the worst moment of my life was the night he left. My entire body was clenched as he stood in the doorway. I was weeping. He was weeping. He had this look on his face, it was as if i would no longer be alive once the latch was closed. Once he walked out of my house, he would be free. Free of the burden that came with loving someone whose eyes had clouded over with pain; free of the one thing that made him feel loved and hated all at the same time. I remember screaming, aching with the weight of knowing I would be all alone. I wish I could describe his eyes, I had never seen them so sad. As he cried, I thought that every time I said, "please don't leave me all alone," would snap him out of whatever decision he was about to make and he'd close the door and I would bury myself in his chest and I could go on believing that I wouldn't die alone. I never thought I would live through my pain-but I believed that I would leave with my face in his hands. He was my church, my solace and he was leaving me. all. alone. The worst feeling, I have ever, known.

So now, as I sat behind the stranger and his lover, I realized that the person who left me, no longer existed. And although the person who caused that pain is the only person who can me weep, I know that no matter how hard I search, I will not find him anywhere. So it is here. Now. that I stop. I stop believing. I stop and I wake up alone.

4.28.05, I hate you.