something about moving teaches you how to move on.
I know that I should know this, but I never knew that socrates didn't write his beliefs down. They were translated from people like Plato and his teachings passed down. And as someone who studies journalism, I wonder how much of his words were displaced? It's like when you have a specific memory, a detailed account of every moment and as time goes by and you replay the moments in your mind-you naturally add little things that may or may not have been true... but your mind creates them and then accepts them as truth and eventually you're never really sure because no one is there to confirm. I have this one memory from when I was 11. I had just met my first "love" and we were at a beach party and there was this massive seaweed fight, and then I participated in my first, successful game of spin the bottle. My first kiss was a boy wearing faded purple swim trunks and his full, yet parched lips tasted like peanut butter. To this day (yes, I have stayed friends with him for 11 years), he swears that he never owned purple swim trunks, but my memory would swear on it....
Oh dear friend, could our memories have fooled us? Or, perhaps, is it possible to rewrite our painful etchings of love? I know that you said you are sustained in you decision and I respect that because I believe that it is impossible to stop loving someone, that they are embedded in our DNA-but as I've said before, I believe it's inevitable that the person we loved will change. Maybe for the better, maybe not-but we are no longer left to linger on hope-because although there it can be said that there has never been anything false about hope, but i guess, maybe we have a choice. But again, oh my love-I feel you. I think, I believe really, that there is reason for you and I. I don't know your favorite color (although I guess chocolate brown or red for some reason), and I do not know this lover you speak of or even if your cat is still alive... but I remember that you used to love the movie twister, and I remember that large wood dresser in your room at how somehow we only have a few photos together, like the one your mom took of us at the beach, I oddly think of your mom frequently when I put the AC on in my car, because when you used to have that little blue car of yours, she refused to put the AC on because she said it wasted gas, and I remember that infamous fort and matching underwear and I remember that damn cat, rocky who would always miss the turn at the top of your stairs and run smack into the wall.... but none-the-less, I feel your presence often and I agree-that somehow our lives, our emotions parallel. Thank you for not telling me that everything would be fine, and indeed the numbness never goes away. But what I will say is that the pain becomes more and more like a soapbox; something for me to stand on and see the world from a different angle. It's like being John Trovolta in phenomenon or something-it. just. feels. different. but it's not cancer and it won't kill us. It might paralyze us, however.
I'm so glad you had a little release, sweet or not-I'm glad. Thank you for the tears, I needed them. And friend? We maybe be peaceful little things on some level-but we are fighters and although I hope for peace in your heart, I also hope for fire. If this pain is still as as it ever was, fight for it. Fight for what your heart feels if you can hope, because at the end of the day- our hearts need the conclusion. the definite yes or no. And although I feel rather contradictory saying that because the person I long to be with, has someone else and I have found that I am almost incapable of fighting for it-I still believe that the phantom ache has purpose.
"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.Do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -rainer marie wilke.
Oh dear friend, could our memories have fooled us? Or, perhaps, is it possible to rewrite our painful etchings of love? I know that you said you are sustained in you decision and I respect that because I believe that it is impossible to stop loving someone, that they are embedded in our DNA-but as I've said before, I believe it's inevitable that the person we loved will change. Maybe for the better, maybe not-but we are no longer left to linger on hope-because although there it can be said that there has never been anything false about hope, but i guess, maybe we have a choice. But again, oh my love-I feel you. I think, I believe really, that there is reason for you and I. I don't know your favorite color (although I guess chocolate brown or red for some reason), and I do not know this lover you speak of or even if your cat is still alive... but I remember that you used to love the movie twister, and I remember that large wood dresser in your room at how somehow we only have a few photos together, like the one your mom took of us at the beach, I oddly think of your mom frequently when I put the AC on in my car, because when you used to have that little blue car of yours, she refused to put the AC on because she said it wasted gas, and I remember that infamous fort and matching underwear and I remember that damn cat, rocky who would always miss the turn at the top of your stairs and run smack into the wall.... but none-the-less, I feel your presence often and I agree-that somehow our lives, our emotions parallel. Thank you for not telling me that everything would be fine, and indeed the numbness never goes away. But what I will say is that the pain becomes more and more like a soapbox; something for me to stand on and see the world from a different angle. It's like being John Trovolta in phenomenon or something-it. just. feels. different. but it's not cancer and it won't kill us. It might paralyze us, however.
I'm so glad you had a little release, sweet or not-I'm glad. Thank you for the tears, I needed them. And friend? We maybe be peaceful little things on some level-but we are fighters and although I hope for peace in your heart, I also hope for fire. If this pain is still as as it ever was, fight for it. Fight for what your heart feels if you can hope, because at the end of the day- our hearts need the conclusion. the definite yes or no. And although I feel rather contradictory saying that because the person I long to be with, has someone else and I have found that I am almost incapable of fighting for it-I still believe that the phantom ache has purpose.
"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.Do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -rainer marie wilke.