(no subject)
It's summer!! And it's been awesome so far even though it hasn't even been a week. I'm pumped for this summer. I'm pumped for good times just chillen and I'm pumped for BC and I'm pumped for volleyball in general. I'm pumped for beach, boys, pool, sunburns, summer hair, waking up early and working out because I'm going to! It's a relief for this year to end. The school part was awesome, it was stressful at times but I had the best classes and I made so many like new friends. It sounds weird being in High School and making new friends... like doesn't that happen in middle school? But, it happened.
I think everyone suffered from a loss this year. Whether it be a friend, a best friend, two best friends, a boyfriend, or someone/something we love. But I think more importantly what we all have in common is that we lost ourselves. I blame losing my best friends as the reason for losing my confidence, my energy, and my ability to just relax and be happy. But THEY didnt take that away from me. I let myself think that and I am just feeling sorry for myself by doing that and that's going to stop. I know that I lost myself and it leaves me questioning who I really am everyday. I don't know how to distinguish the difference between who I am to other people and who I am to myself. I want to be this person so that people see me a certain way and I'm not sure if that's who I really am. WOW confusing. Whatever. I've learned so much this year though and I think i've grown up a lot. I'm hoping at the end of this summer I will have changed even more. I wake up everyday and I'm so ready to take in new things and to learn something new about myself. Cause I've learned you have to make yourself happy in order to make other people happy. I can't rely on other people for my happiness, because at the end of the day it's me myself and I. And if I'm not happy with who I am, nothing is going to change that. Right now I feel like I have to put all of my energy into something that I love and maybe that will make me happier. I just don't know what yet. It will probably be volleyball because I really wanna get better at it. This summer is going to be a turning point in my life because I'm putting the past away and I'm going to stop daydreaming about it and stop living in this fog of denial because i finally know that its not okay to do that. Its not okay to think that this is a dream and someday soon I'm going to wake up and it never happened. Because it did happen and that's reality and that's what life is about.
I think everyone suffered from a loss this year. Whether it be a friend, a best friend, two best friends, a boyfriend, or someone/something we love. But I think more importantly what we all have in common is that we lost ourselves. I blame losing my best friends as the reason for losing my confidence, my energy, and my ability to just relax and be happy. But THEY didnt take that away from me. I let myself think that and I am just feeling sorry for myself by doing that and that's going to stop. I know that I lost myself and it leaves me questioning who I really am everyday. I don't know how to distinguish the difference between who I am to other people and who I am to myself. I want to be this person so that people see me a certain way and I'm not sure if that's who I really am. WOW confusing. Whatever. I've learned so much this year though and I think i've grown up a lot. I'm hoping at the end of this summer I will have changed even more. I wake up everyday and I'm so ready to take in new things and to learn something new about myself. Cause I've learned you have to make yourself happy in order to make other people happy. I can't rely on other people for my happiness, because at the end of the day it's me myself and I. And if I'm not happy with who I am, nothing is going to change that. Right now I feel like I have to put all of my energy into something that I love and maybe that will make me happier. I just don't know what yet. It will probably be volleyball because I really wanna get better at it. This summer is going to be a turning point in my life because I'm putting the past away and I'm going to stop daydreaming about it and stop living in this fog of denial because i finally know that its not okay to do that. Its not okay to think that this is a dream and someday soon I'm going to wake up and it never happened. Because it did happen and that's reality and that's what life is about.