(no subject)
dapper died. and i have tried to avoid being home as much as possible these past 10 days. but today i've been home all day. and felicia is here and rocco is always with her. and dapper should be there too. i miss him so much and i look at old pictures and he's in the background of them all. he's in every home movie. and i keep thinking he's gonna come back, like, im in denial that he's really gone. but he's not. and everyone in my family is having a hard time with it. i love him so much.
we only have 3 half days of school left.
today ends chelseys birthday weekend, but that's okay we always have a reason to celebrate something.
im still stuck in a haze. things aren't so clear yet but i'm managing to feel better and better everyday. maybe i just wasn't made to be happy all the time. i think if i was really happy i'd be bored with my life. it's not that i have anything hanging over my head from the present, but it's all from the past. i don't add new problems to my pile, i just avoid the old ones and they keep coming back. that's all destined to change though. i can feel it.
i won't lie, i feel like i'm stuck in a big dream/nightmare and sooner or later i'm going to wake up and this year never happened. i wish i didn't feel this way, but i do. and that's the one thing im trying to change. because too many good things came out of this year to go to waste. people in general tend to make the negative things over-power the positive things. and im trying not to do that. im trying to look at the positive results rather than the negative. its just a lot of work, trying to convince myself because i'm kind of stubborn.
we put the FU back in fun.