I am gaining trust for women again, but life sucks and i may have lost a friend.
A few things happened since i last posted.
1. I canceled my appointment for antidepressants and now I regret it. For most of March and April I felt good so I assumed it was all better. But now I am depressed and angry again, and worse the anger may be taking me over more and more.
2. I am starting to regain my trust in women and lose my anger at them, it is not all gone, but I am starting to realize it is largely anger at my mother for hurting me when i outed myself. And though my attraction swings back and forth being unable for me to pin it down, it still hurts me alot.
3. I have felt very very very angry at times. I get in these traps where my mind wages war with itself. Wanting to out myelf to friends vs fear of being hurt for it (especially as i want to out myself to my friends and I know that always hurts me), attraction to men vs attraction to women, my friends in the GLBT online vs my anger at the GLBT people (and others by association) who hurt me, my likeing of women vs my anger at the women who hurt me (and others by association), etc. All these feelings waging war in my head with no friend to tell about them makes me angry. I feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow.
4. I may have lost a friend. A guy at work called Nax (who i once had a crush on (the first friend I ever had a crush on) as he was the first person I got close to since second questioning started) outed himself as gay to me and told me he was getting engaged to a male friend. I immediately wanted to tell him the story of my questionings and get a friend who I could trust with this info that always hurt me whenever I tell anyone as maybe he could accept me. However his friend Tim (brother to one of the biggest rumor mongers at smiths for spilling peoples secrets, people at work spread rumors alot, and given I do not know tim well, people at work are untrustworthy, and given his sister he may be doublly so). Due to this I didn't tell him anything, I was too scared to as telling anyone this hurts me, and at work it is doublly so. So I held it off, I laughed at a lame joke he made, but later on he shied away from me, especially when alone, so I cannot tell him anything. I fear he may have got the wrong impression I want to fuck him or something. (I respect his relationship and would press that). I fear i lost a friend. Trying to outmyself always hurts me, but this time it did it without me even saying a word.
1. I canceled my appointment for antidepressants and now I regret it. For most of March and April I felt good so I assumed it was all better. But now I am depressed and angry again, and worse the anger may be taking me over more and more.
2. I am starting to regain my trust in women and lose my anger at them, it is not all gone, but I am starting to realize it is largely anger at my mother for hurting me when i outed myself. And though my attraction swings back and forth being unable for me to pin it down, it still hurts me alot.
3. I have felt very very very angry at times. I get in these traps where my mind wages war with itself. Wanting to out myelf to friends vs fear of being hurt for it (especially as i want to out myself to my friends and I know that always hurts me), attraction to men vs attraction to women, my friends in the GLBT online vs my anger at the GLBT people (and others by association) who hurt me, my likeing of women vs my anger at the women who hurt me (and others by association), etc. All these feelings waging war in my head with no friend to tell about them makes me angry. I feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow.
4. I may have lost a friend. A guy at work called Nax (who i once had a crush on (the first friend I ever had a crush on) as he was the first person I got close to since second questioning started) outed himself as gay to me and told me he was getting engaged to a male friend. I immediately wanted to tell him the story of my questionings and get a friend who I could trust with this info that always hurt me whenever I tell anyone as maybe he could accept me. However his friend Tim (brother to one of the biggest rumor mongers at smiths for spilling peoples secrets, people at work spread rumors alot, and given I do not know tim well, people at work are untrustworthy, and given his sister he may be doublly so). Due to this I didn't tell him anything, I was too scared to as telling anyone this hurts me, and at work it is doublly so. So I held it off, I laughed at a lame joke he made, but later on he shied away from me, especially when alone, so I cannot tell him anything. I fear he may have got the wrong impression I want to fuck him or something. (I respect his relationship and would press that). I fear i lost a friend. Trying to outmyself always hurts me, but this time it did it without me even saying a word.