troubles with men, my declining feelings, my crush, inner homophobia?
a lot of things to talk about this week. I am feeling depressed in sort of a nearly ready to crymood today so exprect less anger and more sadness in my rants today.
1. MY ISSUES WITH MEN: I have ranted to you before enough times about women that some people say i seem insane. Now it is time for me to rant about men. I have troubles with male society and culture too, and recent events at work have served to remind me of them.
It stems from a man at work who used to be a team leader and one of the best ones we had. However as a nice teamleader and nice guy he was made to step down. Those kinds never stay at a leadership position for long at my work. However after stepping down, despite mostly being a nice guy, he picked up a few of the nastier habits of strait male society.
Which ones? the verbal stomping down of effemininity, emotionality, and anything seeming gay in men. This week I heard it not once but twice. I don't entirely remember the first incident but i remember the second as it struck a nerve with me. He laughed at the idea of a manbeing sexually harrassed.
So this rant will be on male societies enforcing of masculinity and harming anything they see as a violation of it.
In general male society seems to constantly stomp down ideas in chat. these seem to center around four pillars that i will call the "sins against masculinity". these are showing of softer emotions like crying, being effeminate or otherwise unmasculine (including enjoying less than masculine activities, not necessarilly feminine ones, but unmasculine ones), being gay, and sticking up for anyone who does any of these things. i absolutely hate it. Whyis the mere act of sticking up for someones sexuality or effeminancy enough to get you branded as gay? Why is being overly emotional and crying ernough to get you branded as less than a man? why is something like bird watching enough to get you branded as less than a man?
This has hounded me all my life. When I was a kid I remember my dad wanting to play catchwith me and i hate it. When i had trouble or disinterest in traditionally male activities like machanical ones or having trouble moving heavy things he called me girly. At school (especially high school) my dislike of sports, lack of attraction to girls, and lack of athletic ability in gym class got me teased and hurt alot. especially in gym or by the athletic fields, places that enforce traditionally masculine behavior. Among the teasing I got back in school was sexual harrassment, Pinching on the ass with sexual comments being made, being called gay, etc. This was even worse because of the trap men set where complaining about sexual harrassment makes you viewed as even more unmanly. So I had no choice but to do nothing and be hurt, as doing anything just got me mocked worse.
And even as an adult i have to put up with this society that views anything unmasculine as wrong. and every male conversation seems a need to go out of its way to insult any men who deviate from the norm. And sticking up for those who deviate marks you as a deviant too.
Women are lucky, they have been liberated from men. When do men get liberated from men.
2. MY CHANGING IDENTITY ISSUES: For a few weeks after nax outed himself to me then sort of withdrew I drifted mostly strait, now i am drifting all over again, but less than before. here is a sum up of my identity as of late.
ATTRACTION: it is now drifting back and forth again, mostly to women, but to men a few times as of late. the strongest one is the gay guy i had a crush on.
REAL LIFE AROUSAL: mostlywomen, but i had it to a man once this week
SEXUAL FANTASIES and ONLINE AROUSAL: For chat and RPing i still lean to men with some gender mixing on a mostly male frame, for arousal at pictures it has been uncommon this week, but the few times have mostly been women. As for the fantasies in my head, i have to imagine them as men to get turned on, but lately visualize them in my head as women.
WANTING TO PLAY SEXUALLY: This feeling (A desire to play around sexually but without being aroused) is still mostly toward men.
The fact that most of these feelings drift to women annoy me. A haterosexual is the last thing I want to be. Dealing with the enforced masculinity of men, and the whole relationship and sexual views of women is the worst of all possible choices.
3. MY GAY FRIEND AT WORK: He has stopped pulling away from me and we chat at times. I am not sure if I still feel for him or not as this waxes and wanes. I do find it ironic that two gay guys at work influenced my life. One bad (that catty jerk keith) and one good (nax).
4. MY FEELINGS AT WAR: A new twist has appeared to me emotionally. despite having my closest friend at work being gay and most of my friends online in the GLBT, i find myself almost recoiling at times from admissions of sexuality and gay scenes. this is new to me and i do not like it. It is not all the time but way too often for my tastes. I want to be open and accepting of others, i do not want to feel this.
1. MY ISSUES WITH MEN: I have ranted to you before enough times about women that some people say i seem insane. Now it is time for me to rant about men. I have troubles with male society and culture too, and recent events at work have served to remind me of them.
It stems from a man at work who used to be a team leader and one of the best ones we had. However as a nice teamleader and nice guy he was made to step down. Those kinds never stay at a leadership position for long at my work. However after stepping down, despite mostly being a nice guy, he picked up a few of the nastier habits of strait male society.
Which ones? the verbal stomping down of effemininity, emotionality, and anything seeming gay in men. This week I heard it not once but twice. I don't entirely remember the first incident but i remember the second as it struck a nerve with me. He laughed at the idea of a manbeing sexually harrassed.
So this rant will be on male societies enforcing of masculinity and harming anything they see as a violation of it.
In general male society seems to constantly stomp down ideas in chat. these seem to center around four pillars that i will call the "sins against masculinity". these are showing of softer emotions like crying, being effeminate or otherwise unmasculine (including enjoying less than masculine activities, not necessarilly feminine ones, but unmasculine ones), being gay, and sticking up for anyone who does any of these things. i absolutely hate it. Whyis the mere act of sticking up for someones sexuality or effeminancy enough to get you branded as gay? Why is being overly emotional and crying ernough to get you branded as less than a man? why is something like bird watching enough to get you branded as less than a man?
This has hounded me all my life. When I was a kid I remember my dad wanting to play catchwith me and i hate it. When i had trouble or disinterest in traditionally male activities like machanical ones or having trouble moving heavy things he called me girly. At school (especially high school) my dislike of sports, lack of attraction to girls, and lack of athletic ability in gym class got me teased and hurt alot. especially in gym or by the athletic fields, places that enforce traditionally masculine behavior. Among the teasing I got back in school was sexual harrassment, Pinching on the ass with sexual comments being made, being called gay, etc. This was even worse because of the trap men set where complaining about sexual harrassment makes you viewed as even more unmanly. So I had no choice but to do nothing and be hurt, as doing anything just got me mocked worse.
And even as an adult i have to put up with this society that views anything unmasculine as wrong. and every male conversation seems a need to go out of its way to insult any men who deviate from the norm. And sticking up for those who deviate marks you as a deviant too.
Women are lucky, they have been liberated from men. When do men get liberated from men.
2. MY CHANGING IDENTITY ISSUES: For a few weeks after nax outed himself to me then sort of withdrew I drifted mostly strait, now i am drifting all over again, but less than before. here is a sum up of my identity as of late.
ATTRACTION: it is now drifting back and forth again, mostly to women, but to men a few times as of late. the strongest one is the gay guy i had a crush on.
REAL LIFE AROUSAL: mostlywomen, but i had it to a man once this week
SEXUAL FANTASIES and ONLINE AROUSAL: For chat and RPing i still lean to men with some gender mixing on a mostly male frame, for arousal at pictures it has been uncommon this week, but the few times have mostly been women. As for the fantasies in my head, i have to imagine them as men to get turned on, but lately visualize them in my head as women.
WANTING TO PLAY SEXUALLY: This feeling (A desire to play around sexually but without being aroused) is still mostly toward men.
The fact that most of these feelings drift to women annoy me. A haterosexual is the last thing I want to be. Dealing with the enforced masculinity of men, and the whole relationship and sexual views of women is the worst of all possible choices.
3. MY GAY FRIEND AT WORK: He has stopped pulling away from me and we chat at times. I am not sure if I still feel for him or not as this waxes and wanes. I do find it ironic that two gay guys at work influenced my life. One bad (that catty jerk keith) and one good (nax).
4. MY FEELINGS AT WAR: A new twist has appeared to me emotionally. despite having my closest friend at work being gay and most of my friends online in the GLBT, i find myself almost recoiling at times from admissions of sexuality and gay scenes. this is new to me and i do not like it. It is not all the time but way too often for my tastes. I want to be open and accepting of others, i do not want to feel this.