(no subject)
atmosphere has a new album out that i want.
so fuck. what am i doing with this whole thing. (of course, this entry is about my boyfriend)
i hate saying boyfriend. i hate it. i dont want it. all right so here's the deal. i was supposed to do e with kristin tomorrow. that was the plan. i wanted to tell brendan because i want to tell him everything because he's my man for a while now and i should be honest. but ya right like i've been fucking honest this whole time anyway. i didn't tell him what i was feeling about shit for so long way back spring semester. we never talked about titles for so long and i was so confused and stressed for so long! communication!! not to mention my getting with a hundrend and one foreigners in europe. and i want to talk about honesty? why this, why now, why start shit? anyway, so im like, ill just fucking say it. and i did.
"so tomorrow's a big day for me. i'm going to santa cruz and doing e with kristin."
silence.
yeah. pretty much a lot of awkward silence and, "i dont know ways to say"'s and no questions. he doesn't understand, he's not interested, and i feel like he thinks less of me for wanting to do this, and for my past. he's in a different world man. a world of rich preppy conservative people. friends at yale and harvard and princeton and georgetown. a minister for a father. a running scholarship and good grades and a perfect family. and he never swears. he's so mcuh more though, and different from a lot of that with hippe-esc qualities that i like. but that still doesn't change that he doesn't understand. i don't know if i can deal with this if he doesn't understand, doesn't want to, and doesn't fucking communicate. i'm fucking wasting my time if this reoccurante communication problem continues. i'm fucking wasting my time if shit has moved so slowly in a year!! i've wasted a year. seriosly. right now i don't feel that we're at all compatable. shit, what if he breaks of up with me because i'm showing him this side of me? seriously. and it wouldn't be my fault either. this is me dude, this is me and if breaks up with me for finally being me and trying to tell him about my past and shit im doing now, then fuck.
now i feel like a dumbass too because we probably won't end up doing it anyway.
gah, im tired and upset and i just want to go to sleep.
not to mention that i gained 14 pounds in spain. fucking cool. im a drug addict fat girl and brendan is gonna break up with me. (over-reacting and ranting. but fuck)
so fuck. what am i doing with this whole thing. (of course, this entry is about my boyfriend)
i hate saying boyfriend. i hate it. i dont want it. all right so here's the deal. i was supposed to do e with kristin tomorrow. that was the plan. i wanted to tell brendan because i want to tell him everything because he's my man for a while now and i should be honest. but ya right like i've been fucking honest this whole time anyway. i didn't tell him what i was feeling about shit for so long way back spring semester. we never talked about titles for so long and i was so confused and stressed for so long! communication!! not to mention my getting with a hundrend and one foreigners in europe. and i want to talk about honesty? why this, why now, why start shit? anyway, so im like, ill just fucking say it. and i did.
"so tomorrow's a big day for me. i'm going to santa cruz and doing e with kristin."
silence.
yeah. pretty much a lot of awkward silence and, "i dont know ways to say"'s and no questions. he doesn't understand, he's not interested, and i feel like he thinks less of me for wanting to do this, and for my past. he's in a different world man. a world of rich preppy conservative people. friends at yale and harvard and princeton and georgetown. a minister for a father. a running scholarship and good grades and a perfect family. and he never swears. he's so mcuh more though, and different from a lot of that with hippe-esc qualities that i like. but that still doesn't change that he doesn't understand. i don't know if i can deal with this if he doesn't understand, doesn't want to, and doesn't fucking communicate. i'm fucking wasting my time if this reoccurante communication problem continues. i'm fucking wasting my time if shit has moved so slowly in a year!! i've wasted a year. seriosly. right now i don't feel that we're at all compatable. shit, what if he breaks of up with me because i'm showing him this side of me? seriously. and it wouldn't be my fault either. this is me dude, this is me and if breaks up with me for finally being me and trying to tell him about my past and shit im doing now, then fuck.
now i feel like a dumbass too because we probably won't end up doing it anyway.
gah, im tired and upset and i just want to go to sleep.
not to mention that i gained 14 pounds in spain. fucking cool. im a drug addict fat girl and brendan is gonna break up with me. (over-reacting and ranting. but fuck)