June 2011 -- 9; The Hermit
She has learned not only from the inner search
which is solitary in nature but from all of her life experience
This month began Temple of Twelve Year Two, online with Steph, Essie, and sacred12novices. I decided to go with the book order again at thus began with Lady Black, and glorious dedication altars and Monthly Swaps. Empress & Death happened for RCG's Tarot Path the first weekend and it was Massively Effective on me. A sister from that group and I bonded so deeply, we're still feeling it now. Also, Shakespeare in the Park with RCG, friends, and Earl-related people happened.
The Yankee Candle Summer Sale started, and it would own me for such a very long long time. I made it halfway through the month before talking about how Temple of Twelve Year Two felt so different for all of Year One under my belt. Also, posted up new questionnaires for Temple of Twelve. I struggled with the decisions about my father. I worked on personal planning for Dragon*Con and Earl was my ever constant life saver and heart brightener.
Relationship wise. I started the month with finding myself still hope-touched, even aware it was foolish. I also started with a Girl Friend trip that included A Black Project, then Spring Goddess Fest, which only got more and more tense in the bad ways (that had little to do with me ever) as the days passed, culminating in me falling down my stairs. I started to write more about what I would write, as my words failed me and other peoples held more sway in painful ways.
I realized just how badly the plan of our shift from aim to text messaging was, even beyond the lack of connecting; and then, coincidentally, only two weeks later, Skype broke down as well. Still simmering several of these things (Empress, Death, Spring Goddess) I fell right into Summer Solstice Amazon Ritual, and had my socks knocked off, killed the only person to resemble an adversary in my life, and hung my blood stained shield above my Fire Altar, with my weapons. Runes class matched up magically with everything going on in my relationship world.
I continued quietly, this waiting, quoting for the first time something I hadn't since the middle of Billy as I realized how much everything else in my life was okay, except my heart, except my relationship, except anything in that budding world:
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing
over and over and expecting different results.
Unexpected people poured out of the woodwork, from all of my groups, and especially, with sudden explosive force, from all of Milliways, with opinions and support, phone calls and aim conversations, advice both bad and good. But all of them with the exact same opinion. All except one. The one who I'd asked at the end of May. The one whom I was still holding my faith with the words of.
A fitting poem from the month --
I am calling you
I have been calling you for so long
And yet I did not think you heard
I am calling you to dance amongst the stars
And dive for pearls in the ocean
I am calling you to tiptoe on the clouds
And soar with the eagles
I am calling you to follow the rainbow
And rest forever in the peace of eternity
I am calling you to be
I am calling you to be you
You look at me
And I know that you can hear the call
And I know that you are scared
And so I shall kiss you
And that will silence my tongue
But you shall hear me calling you still
For it is yourself calling to your self
And so how could you not hear?
And how could you not come?
by Corrina Gordon-Barnes
I ended the month on a semi-high note, switching out Black Altar for Pink, while in preparation of Eve & Snake with RCG Tarot's Devil & The Lovers coming toward me.
~*~
Closing Thoughts
I can see the decreases in writing less entries of substance in this month except for now and then. I never talk about gaming almost at all anymore, anywhere, and my focus began to be on outwardly, amazing experience that I wanted to share. But couldn't. Because I couldn't share the most pivotal parts of them with the mirror of my heart. And if I could not share them with her, then I did not share them with anyone.
All that was important in me started to become even more seriously internalized. Which does match up with The Hermit. He is not Hierophant. He is not going in for the betterment of the other, this is the aloneness of simply being alone, adrift, cut free from all connection. And I definitely started feeling this more and more razor sharp. The more people reached out, from every single group and place in my life, the more they tried to help, tried to tell me how they all saw it now, what they thought I needed to do.
The more tightly I clung to the only thing I wanted to be true. Even if no shred of hard evidence for that truth existed. And I made the choice to choose where I was, even if where I was alone with my dream of what could, waiting at silent screens, rather than to even look at what was. And still, I couldn't even look away. But I didn't want to decide and I didn't think I had to. Because I'd agreed to give it time, to let things settle, to have faith, to be remembered and puzzled out later.
I only wanted one outcome. Believed with the stubbornness of a bull in one. One.
And I wasn't ready to consider that 'wanting it' wasn't what had to change.
There was so much momentum for July-August-September as it was.
And that made it so easy for me to be the last thing I focused on.