May 2011 -- 8; Justice
Generosity, love, fear, constriction, greed--it all comes back.
It is the natural law. You reap what you sow.
May went with a loud, large, decisive bang.
The very first day of May, the very first dawn, I did a releasing spell, putting all the hard work in April into action. On the same morning, I said goodbye to my year Dedicated to Air, and dedicated myself for the next year to Fire. It was such a powerful, clearing, and cleaning weekend. A reclaiming of my space, my soul, my rights. (And it worked. Amazingly, even when everything else stopped working, It Worked.)
The third day of May, as always, was my birthday, which went off amazingly with the Lap Harp Donation Station and my wonderful Birthday Tea Party. As an action of moving into my 2011-2012 Year of the Hanged Man, I did a one card reading for everyone and anyone.
There were great, silly things like Godiva. My lap harp, and Fire gifts arrived. When introductions took place for the Temple of Twelve online group (sacred12novices), which started then. As did MeYouthHealth daily.
I branched out in Ropes & Ribbons. I took on Amare as a name for more than My Girl (even if it is always hers to call, first and foremost), and I sank into Oak Grove, and bonding with one woman more, listening to her as she talked about my Girl talking about me like this while I was gone abroad;
She was right, too. She said you were all sunshine and light,
without the knees and elbows."
There was the extension of my first USAA contract from mid-summer to early December. There was a whole lot of Yankee Candle and Bath & Body Works fun, as well. I bought a whole new shelf just for this year: to house my Tarot books and cards for RCG's class, my Runes books and runes for Oak Grove Tribe, and that top shelf and top space for the altar for Temple of Twelve Year Two.
I branched out into another wave of clearing out and cleaning out my house, as I added a second shelf to my closet. I never wrote about Emperor & Strength class, because I knew I couldn't (even though that class was a direct domino in the line toward the Summer Solstices' Amazon ritual in the summer, and my decision in October), but I prepped for Empress & Death.
I wrote this piece about myself that I truly deeply loved, and may keep writing for years. I fell in love with this art piece --
My Own Caption: BOOKS --THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THEY WORK!
Henry asked, "And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?"
This was the month my relationship changed. Writing tanked into a lower than ever low, and evening hours became a ghost town of sitting at the computer, staring and waiting, while other things were shifting about on her end. We hit the first nearly dead silent weeks of two years, that were broken only by Fringe. A time when I thought time had stopped, my life had stopped, and all of my air with it.
Got a case of a love bipolar, stuck on a roller coaster was the lyric of my month, but even still hearing my roommate say " You always knew this was coming" was hard. (I can only wonder now how hard it was for him to watch me through the next five months, and the whole of this last year, day in and day out. He's one of the few people who knows best you can't push my heart or my hand.)
And just when I thought it was already too hard, too heavy, too suffocating I lost my computer access at work during the end of the second to last week in May. Culminating in an emotionally flat lining, addiction withdrawal, daily panic inducing end to pretty much all the free talking that was left between us.
~*~
Closing Thoughts
May and October both made me whinge the moment I saw which cards had matched up with them. So much happened in May that matches up directly with this card, both things written about and things that were never written about. Justice. Gods. Justice. I want to hang my head or hit it on something. Everything is so clear. This is one of those months where several things happened, but where it all broke down to being about just me and her (and him).
But me. Me, me, me, too. I knew on May 9th, and I told myself to have faith, and I knew at the end of the month, and someone else told me to have faith.
My relationship hit its first massive, too obvious too miss seeing, snag from my side in this month. Not with them and not with my work, but with an end month event I didn't dare write about or talk about. Only three people even know now, seven months later, that the last week of May was the first time I had a dead serious conversation about it.
At my whit's end about the now epic silences, and tv dependent conversations, I asked a mutual friend, going through the same for their advice, about whether it was time for me to end everything.
And I was told, wait for the air to clear, for things to settle for them. And for that one person, and for my hope that they were right and I was just too close to see how things weren't as bad as I felt it was, I did. Even when it felt like every door and other voice and fated action in my life seemed to be screaming otherwise, I waited. I gave faith and hope, and especially love, its due. I waited. Started waiting, and refused to start counting.
Breaths, near silent nights, days, months. How I often I told myself 'just a little bit longer and things will get better.' Quoting one of my favorite framed pictures from a post in the month, even.
Faith
When we walk to the edge of all the light
we have and take that step into the
darkness of the unknown --
We must believe that one of two
things will happen --
There will be something solid for us to
stand on or God will teach us to fly.
I can't even say I didn't reap what I sowed this month. I did.