Ending World
It's taken me a long time to write about this, because it's painful and I don't know what to say.
Patrick and I split up on the first of November - a painful process. We still live together, part time (I am staying with my mother the rest of the time) and it's amicable enough, but I am lonely, and it hurts, and I don't have anybody to really share it with, because nobody knows much about what was or is going on.
I knew the end was coming for a while. So did he.
He couldn't balance school and our relationship and his life. He was doing poorly in school, treating me badly, and isolating himself from his support network, and finally everything broke.
I don't know what to do, really. I wish I was still in San Francisco so I could be with my friends right now. Over a month later and the wound is still raw, though I have done a fantastic, Academy Award winning job of convincing everybody that I'm fine. I need to either find a roommate, or move out, because he's got a place he's moving to at the end of the month.
I so desperately want to just say "FUCK THIS." and move back to SF, but I can't afford that. I work part time at a clothing store, for fuck's sake. I can barely afford to live in Seattle, much less San Francisco.
I wonder, sometimes, whether I could just get back my old job. I wonder why I even came here to begin with because to be honest I've been homesick and borderline miserable the entire time I've been back.
I want my life back.
I want love.
I miss him.
I hate this.
Everything - everything - is wrong.
Everything is wrong, and I hate it here.
And here is a new chapter - maybe you could say a new book - of my continuing struggle to find what I'm looking for, while I don't even know what it is.
Patrick and I split up on the first of November - a painful process. We still live together, part time (I am staying with my mother the rest of the time) and it's amicable enough, but I am lonely, and it hurts, and I don't have anybody to really share it with, because nobody knows much about what was or is going on.
I knew the end was coming for a while. So did he.
He couldn't balance school and our relationship and his life. He was doing poorly in school, treating me badly, and isolating himself from his support network, and finally everything broke.
I don't know what to do, really. I wish I was still in San Francisco so I could be with my friends right now. Over a month later and the wound is still raw, though I have done a fantastic, Academy Award winning job of convincing everybody that I'm fine. I need to either find a roommate, or move out, because he's got a place he's moving to at the end of the month.
I so desperately want to just say "FUCK THIS." and move back to SF, but I can't afford that. I work part time at a clothing store, for fuck's sake. I can barely afford to live in Seattle, much less San Francisco.
I wonder, sometimes, whether I could just get back my old job. I wonder why I even came here to begin with because to be honest I've been homesick and borderline miserable the entire time I've been back.
I want my life back.
I want love.
I miss him.
I hate this.
Everything - everything - is wrong.
Everything is wrong, and I hate it here.
And here is a new chapter - maybe you could say a new book - of my continuing struggle to find what I'm looking for, while I don't even know what it is.