Drowning (3/?)
Title: Drowning (3/?)
Rating: M for Mature
Pairing: Kurt-centric, Sam/Kurt friendship, possibly pre-slash or more
Summary: With LGBT teen suicide at the front of people's minds, Emma decides to have a talk with Kurt. Will assigns the gleeks to find songs about hope or hopelessness.
Disclaimer: I am not making any profit from this, nor do I claim ownership of the characters or basic plot outline. I'm simply borrowing from Glee & its writers for the sake of creativity. Cut lyrics from It Gets Better (Jay Kuo, Blair Shepard & Broadway Sings For The Trevor Project). The song featured in this chapter is copyrighted to Blink 182.
Warnings: deals with issues of depression, suicide abd bullying; mentions of self-harm; use of derogatory and homophobic words/phrases/attitudes
Click for other chapters
Author's Notes/Extended Disclaimer: I wanted to comment on the fact that I feel extremely guilty for drawing from the events that gave me the idea for this story - I would much rather this story never exist than have the reality of these suicides. I know that this isn't a topic to be taken lightly. It just seemed to be an issue that would have some effect on Kurt, if Glee were truly to be happening in "real-time", and once the idea wormed it's way into my head, I couldn't make it go away. In the event that someone personally connected to any of the recent deaths - or, honestly, anyone who's dealt with suicide in some way during their lives - stumbles across this story, I am so sorry; I don't mean any disrespect, harm or offense.
That being said, I'd also like to emphasize that suicide isn't the answer. Please find help if you're feeling like it is. Please. Believe me - you matter, as does your life.
Throughout the next day, Finn seemed to be paying more attention to Kurt than he normally did, and Kurt really wouldn’t care if he wasn’t being so obvious about it. In these kinds of situations, Kurt hated special attention, hated feeling like his every move, comment and expression was being analyzed - overanalyzed, even. He was trying his hardest not to let it get to him, though - he hated showing up to Glee in a foul mood. Thankfully, once the lunch bell rang, Rachel was there, demanding Finn’s attention as she explained her last minute tweaks to their duet.
Rolling his eyes, Kurt walked away from the pair, heading to meet Mercedes at her locker. She chatted excitedly about her song choice as they walked to the choir room, and Kurt nodded along, reassuring her that it would be stellar.
“Are you going today?” she asked as they took their seats, “You’ve been awful quiet about this whole assignment.”
Feigning disinterest, Kurt examined his nails as he shrugged, “I just haven’t decided on a song yet.” That wasn’t entirely true, though - he knew exactly what he wanted to sing; he just wasn’t sure if he had the courage to go through with it. He knew the easiest thing to do would be to sing some campy, uplifting song - I Am What I Am, perhaps - but he wanted to show a different side; he just wasn’t entirely convinced that he was ready for everyone else to see that side.
She raised an eyebrow at that, “Need help?”
“No, no,” he reassured, shaking his head, “I’ve got a playlist that I’ve been sifting through.” He was spared any further questioning when Will called everyone to attention, asking who’d like to present first. Unsurprisingly, Rachel stood up, all but dragging Finn to the front of the room with her.
“We’ve chosen a song that represents how love can overcome anything,” she started, “how it can give you something worth fighting for.” She was positively beaming, but Kurt couldn’t help rolling his eyes a little - he knew which song they’d be performing and, while it was a favourite of his, it wasn’t really something that he’d have chosen for this assignment.
But this was Rachel Berry, after all; she could twist the meaning of any song enough to fit her needs somehow. He wondered if she’d actually made Finn watch Moulin Rouge; he hoped so. He’d tried to make Finn watch it with him on a few occasions, but he supposed Rachel was probably able to find more persuasive methods...
“I never thought I'd die alone,
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known“
Kurt blinked, a bit surprised, as he snapped to attention - hadn’t Rachel and Finn just been performing Come What May? He hadn’t meant to zone out entirely... He shook his head slightly, and refocused on the front of the room - Sam was singing now, and the song choice surprised Kurt more than a little. He always seemed so... happy, so Kurt had been expecting him to choose a more encouraging song. Then again, after how Sam had looked when he was sitting in Emma’s office the day before... Maybe there was a lot more to Sam Evans than he’d ever realized. He pushed those thoughts from his mind, though - who was he to judge, really? - and just listened.
“I traced the cord back to the wall;
No wonder it was never plugged in at all.
I took my time, I hurried up;
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough.
I'm too depressed, to go on,
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.”
It really struck him how sincere Sam sounded on that line - it worried him a little, if he were to be completely honest. At least Sam was talking to someone about it, though. Kurt had never really been one to take advantage of having a guidance counsellor available, but it was comforting to know that the resource was there and that some students were finding it helpful.
”I never conquered, rarely came,
16 just held such better days;
Days when I still felt alive,
We couldn't wait to get outside.
The world was wide; too late to try.
The tour was over, we'd survived.
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone.”
Their gazes met for a moment, and Kurt couldn’t quite repress the shiver that ran through him - something in that look had just screamed ‘I understand,’ and it was kind of freaking Kurt out a little. Sam’s gaze shifted away again, and Kurt was left trying to figure out what the blond was trying to say.
Seemingly out of nowhere, Ms. Pillsbury’s voice entered his mind; you’re not as alone in this school as you think you are. She couldn’t possibly have been referring to Sam, could she? Then again, when Sam first arrived at McKinley, Kurt had definitely had his suspicions about the blond’s sexuality... But now wasn’t the time to be revisiting that possibility.
”I never thought I'd die alone;
Another six months I'll be unknown.
Give all my things to all my friends,
You'll never step foot in my room again;
You'll close it off, board it up.
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall?
Please tell mom this is not her fault.”
Sam’s eyes dropped to the ground when the song mentioned ‘his’ mother, and Kurt got the distinct feeling that something must’ve hit close enough to home that he couldn’t stand to look at anyone in that moment. If Kurt recalled correctly, Sam and his father had moved out on their own that summer, but he was hazy on the specifics - they probably had some impact on why those lines seemed hard for Sam, though.
”I never conquered, rarely came,
16 just held such better days;
Days when I still felt alive,
We couldn't wait to get outside.
The world was wide; too late to try.
The tour was over but we'd survived.
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone.”
He cast a quick glance towards Quinn, gauging her reaction; she and Sam had bonded quickly and even tried dating for a while, but it had become clear early on that they were better as friends. She looked sad, that much was obvious, but she didn’t seem anywhere near as surprised or unsure as the rest of the group. He’d assumed correctly, it seemed - whatever Sam was dealing with, Quinn was, at least partly, aware of it.
”I never conquered, rarely came,
Tomorrow holds such better days;
Days when I could still feel alive,
When I can't wait to get outside.
The world is wide; the time goes by.
The tour is over - I survived,
And I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone.”
When Kurt returned his attention to Sam, he was surprised to find the blond looking back at him again. He smiled, giving Sam a quick thumbs-up as he finished the song off. It was just a song, and as well as Kurt knew that, he still couldn’t help being relieved by the hopeful ending - he really hoped it represented something about how Sam was feeling, that it had been a factor in why Sam had, in fact, chosen this song. He applauded along with everyone else as Sam set the guitar back down and returned to his seat - but not without taking a moment to hug Quinn when she stood up and threw her arms around him.
“That was really, really great, Sam,” Will piped up, smiling at his students, “And the song was a great midpoint between the two themes; nice choice.” Sam mumbled a quiet ‘thanks’, avoiding the looks that a few of their peers were still giving him. “So, who’s next?” Will asked, looking his students over.
With a bit of encouragement from Kurt, Mercedes stepped up to the front of the room, blowing everyone away with a passionate rendition of Destiny’s Child’s Survivor, and was followed by Puck’s unexpected, yet exceptional, performance of Adam Lambert’s Aftermath (done acoustically, of course, and justified by some babbled explanation about him being a modern-day Jewish artist). Will dismissed them then, allowing them to have the last part of their lunch break to themselves, and Kurt found himself telling Mercedes to go on ahead without him. She looked at him for a moment before shrugging and heading off with Quinn.
“Hey, Sam?” he called out, catching the blond’s attention before he could leave with the others. He shouldered his messenger bag, walking over to where Sam had stopped.
“What’s up?” He gave Kurt a genuinely curious look, and Kurt couldn’t help smiling a little. Of course, that only resulted in Sam smiling back at him and he had to look away for a moment, lest he start blushing.
Upon collecting himself, he turned his attention back to Sam, meeting his eyes, “I just wanted to say you were great today.” He smiled again, brushing off the other teen’s ‘thank-you’, and paused for a moment, knowing it wasn’t really his place to say anything. But he wanted to, and knew he’d regret it if he didn’t so he finally decided to bite the bullet, “And I wanted to say that if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m around.” Sam blinked at him - either surprised or unsure, Kurt couldn’t tell - and he flushed a little, “I mean, I know it was just a song for a Glee assignment or whatever, but I just... You sounded pretty convincing,” he rambled, his voice and gaze dropping near the end.
Sam’s expression briefly lit up with a warm smile at that before he dropped his gaze to the floor as well, looking a little bit embarrassed, “Thanks, Kurt.” He seemed to be considering something for a moment but, in the end, he shook his head, looking back up at Kurt, “I might take you up on that sometime.”
Kurt nodded, “Good. Well, I mean, not like good that you’d have things to vent about, but li-”
Sam cut him off with a small laugh, “I get it, Kurt,” he reassured, “Don’t worry about it.” He started towards the door, motioning for Kurt to follow, “We should probably go grab lunch with the others.”
Nodding at the suggestion, Kurt joined him in the hall and they walked towards the cafeteria together, idly chattering about the other performances until they sat down with the rest of the gleeks, tuning themselves into the conversation that was already in the works.
-x-x-x-
Kurt was just finishing off his nightly routine when he heard his phone vibrating against the dresser and he stood up, crossing the room and picking it up curiously - Mercedes knew better than to text him after 9:30 on a weeknight unless it was of the utmost importance. As it turned out, the name flashing on his screen wasn’t Mercedes’ - it was Sam’s. He opened it immediately, his eyes skimming over the short message as he returned to his vanity table.
“Think u can meet me b4 class 2mrow?” He cringed at the grammar, but didn’t bother to comment on it - he could tell what Sam was trying to say, and that was all that really mattered, he supposed.
“Yeah, absolutely. Where?” was what he finally sent back, trying to refrain from flat-out asking ‘are you okay?’ for fear of it seeming too pushy or presumptuous. He returned to applying his toner as he waited on a reply.
“Good. Theres s/t I think I wanna tell u. Um. Bleachers?”
Kurt stared at the text for a moment, not entirely sure what to think, but he shrugged it off - he’d told Sam that he could confide in him, after all. He smiled to himself at the realization that Sam was actually taking him up on the offer.
“Works for me! I have to go for now, though. Night, Sam xx.”
He didn’t even notice the ‘xx’ until after he’d hit send - it was just so reflexive to end a text conversation that way - and he really, really hoped that Sam wouldn’t read too much into it. Sighing, he headed to bed, calling out a goodnight to Finn who was just now coming down the stairs.
Rating: M for Mature
Pairing: Kurt-centric, Sam/Kurt friendship, possibly pre-slash or more
Summary: With LGBT teen suicide at the front of people's minds, Emma decides to have a talk with Kurt. Will assigns the gleeks to find songs about hope or hopelessness.
Disclaimer: I am not making any profit from this, nor do I claim ownership of the characters or basic plot outline. I'm simply borrowing from Glee & its writers for the sake of creativity. Cut lyrics from It Gets Better (Jay Kuo, Blair Shepard & Broadway Sings For The Trevor Project). The song featured in this chapter is copyrighted to Blink 182.
Warnings: deals with issues of depression, suicide abd bullying; mentions of self-harm; use of derogatory and homophobic words/phrases/attitudes
Click for other chapters
Author's Notes/Extended Disclaimer: I wanted to comment on the fact that I feel extremely guilty for drawing from the events that gave me the idea for this story - I would much rather this story never exist than have the reality of these suicides. I know that this isn't a topic to be taken lightly. It just seemed to be an issue that would have some effect on Kurt, if Glee were truly to be happening in "real-time", and once the idea wormed it's way into my head, I couldn't make it go away. In the event that someone personally connected to any of the recent deaths - or, honestly, anyone who's dealt with suicide in some way during their lives - stumbles across this story, I am so sorry; I don't mean any disrespect, harm or offense.
That being said, I'd also like to emphasize that suicide isn't the answer. Please find help if you're feeling like it is. Please. Believe me - you matter, as does your life.
Throughout the next day, Finn seemed to be paying more attention to Kurt than he normally did, and Kurt really wouldn’t care if he wasn’t being so obvious about it. In these kinds of situations, Kurt hated special attention, hated feeling like his every move, comment and expression was being analyzed - overanalyzed, even. He was trying his hardest not to let it get to him, though - he hated showing up to Glee in a foul mood. Thankfully, once the lunch bell rang, Rachel was there, demanding Finn’s attention as she explained her last minute tweaks to their duet.
Rolling his eyes, Kurt walked away from the pair, heading to meet Mercedes at her locker. She chatted excitedly about her song choice as they walked to the choir room, and Kurt nodded along, reassuring her that it would be stellar.
“Are you going today?” she asked as they took their seats, “You’ve been awful quiet about this whole assignment.”
Feigning disinterest, Kurt examined his nails as he shrugged, “I just haven’t decided on a song yet.” That wasn’t entirely true, though - he knew exactly what he wanted to sing; he just wasn’t sure if he had the courage to go through with it. He knew the easiest thing to do would be to sing some campy, uplifting song - I Am What I Am, perhaps - but he wanted to show a different side; he just wasn’t entirely convinced that he was ready for everyone else to see that side.
She raised an eyebrow at that, “Need help?”
“No, no,” he reassured, shaking his head, “I’ve got a playlist that I’ve been sifting through.” He was spared any further questioning when Will called everyone to attention, asking who’d like to present first. Unsurprisingly, Rachel stood up, all but dragging Finn to the front of the room with her.
“We’ve chosen a song that represents how love can overcome anything,” she started, “how it can give you something worth fighting for.” She was positively beaming, but Kurt couldn’t help rolling his eyes a little - he knew which song they’d be performing and, while it was a favourite of his, it wasn’t really something that he’d have chosen for this assignment.
But this was Rachel Berry, after all; she could twist the meaning of any song enough to fit her needs somehow. He wondered if she’d actually made Finn watch Moulin Rouge; he hoped so. He’d tried to make Finn watch it with him on a few occasions, but he supposed Rachel was probably able to find more persuasive methods...
“I never thought I'd die alone,
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known“
Kurt blinked, a bit surprised, as he snapped to attention - hadn’t Rachel and Finn just been performing Come What May? He hadn’t meant to zone out entirely... He shook his head slightly, and refocused on the front of the room - Sam was singing now, and the song choice surprised Kurt more than a little. He always seemed so... happy, so Kurt had been expecting him to choose a more encouraging song. Then again, after how Sam had looked when he was sitting in Emma’s office the day before... Maybe there was a lot more to Sam Evans than he’d ever realized. He pushed those thoughts from his mind, though - who was he to judge, really? - and just listened.
“I traced the cord back to the wall;
No wonder it was never plugged in at all.
I took my time, I hurried up;
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough.
I'm too depressed, to go on,
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.”
It really struck him how sincere Sam sounded on that line - it worried him a little, if he were to be completely honest. At least Sam was talking to someone about it, though. Kurt had never really been one to take advantage of having a guidance counsellor available, but it was comforting to know that the resource was there and that some students were finding it helpful.
”I never conquered, rarely came,
16 just held such better days;
Days when I still felt alive,
We couldn't wait to get outside.
The world was wide; too late to try.
The tour was over, we'd survived.
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone.”
Their gazes met for a moment, and Kurt couldn’t quite repress the shiver that ran through him - something in that look had just screamed ‘I understand,’ and it was kind of freaking Kurt out a little. Sam’s gaze shifted away again, and Kurt was left trying to figure out what the blond was trying to say.
Seemingly out of nowhere, Ms. Pillsbury’s voice entered his mind; you’re not as alone in this school as you think you are. She couldn’t possibly have been referring to Sam, could she? Then again, when Sam first arrived at McKinley, Kurt had definitely had his suspicions about the blond’s sexuality... But now wasn’t the time to be revisiting that possibility.
”I never thought I'd die alone;
Another six months I'll be unknown.
Give all my things to all my friends,
You'll never step foot in my room again;
You'll close it off, board it up.
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall?
Please tell mom this is not her fault.”
Sam’s eyes dropped to the ground when the song mentioned ‘his’ mother, and Kurt got the distinct feeling that something must’ve hit close enough to home that he couldn’t stand to look at anyone in that moment. If Kurt recalled correctly, Sam and his father had moved out on their own that summer, but he was hazy on the specifics - they probably had some impact on why those lines seemed hard for Sam, though.
”I never conquered, rarely came,
16 just held such better days;
Days when I still felt alive,
We couldn't wait to get outside.
The world was wide; too late to try.
The tour was over but we'd survived.
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone.”
He cast a quick glance towards Quinn, gauging her reaction; she and Sam had bonded quickly and even tried dating for a while, but it had become clear early on that they were better as friends. She looked sad, that much was obvious, but she didn’t seem anywhere near as surprised or unsure as the rest of the group. He’d assumed correctly, it seemed - whatever Sam was dealing with, Quinn was, at least partly, aware of it.
”I never conquered, rarely came,
Tomorrow holds such better days;
Days when I could still feel alive,
When I can't wait to get outside.
The world is wide; the time goes by.
The tour is over - I survived,
And I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone.”
When Kurt returned his attention to Sam, he was surprised to find the blond looking back at him again. He smiled, giving Sam a quick thumbs-up as he finished the song off. It was just a song, and as well as Kurt knew that, he still couldn’t help being relieved by the hopeful ending - he really hoped it represented something about how Sam was feeling, that it had been a factor in why Sam had, in fact, chosen this song. He applauded along with everyone else as Sam set the guitar back down and returned to his seat - but not without taking a moment to hug Quinn when she stood up and threw her arms around him.
“That was really, really great, Sam,” Will piped up, smiling at his students, “And the song was a great midpoint between the two themes; nice choice.” Sam mumbled a quiet ‘thanks’, avoiding the looks that a few of their peers were still giving him. “So, who’s next?” Will asked, looking his students over.
With a bit of encouragement from Kurt, Mercedes stepped up to the front of the room, blowing everyone away with a passionate rendition of Destiny’s Child’s Survivor, and was followed by Puck’s unexpected, yet exceptional, performance of Adam Lambert’s Aftermath (done acoustically, of course, and justified by some babbled explanation about him being a modern-day Jewish artist). Will dismissed them then, allowing them to have the last part of their lunch break to themselves, and Kurt found himself telling Mercedes to go on ahead without him. She looked at him for a moment before shrugging and heading off with Quinn.
“Hey, Sam?” he called out, catching the blond’s attention before he could leave with the others. He shouldered his messenger bag, walking over to where Sam had stopped.
“What’s up?” He gave Kurt a genuinely curious look, and Kurt couldn’t help smiling a little. Of course, that only resulted in Sam smiling back at him and he had to look away for a moment, lest he start blushing.
Upon collecting himself, he turned his attention back to Sam, meeting his eyes, “I just wanted to say you were great today.” He smiled again, brushing off the other teen’s ‘thank-you’, and paused for a moment, knowing it wasn’t really his place to say anything. But he wanted to, and knew he’d regret it if he didn’t so he finally decided to bite the bullet, “And I wanted to say that if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m around.” Sam blinked at him - either surprised or unsure, Kurt couldn’t tell - and he flushed a little, “I mean, I know it was just a song for a Glee assignment or whatever, but I just... You sounded pretty convincing,” he rambled, his voice and gaze dropping near the end.
Sam’s expression briefly lit up with a warm smile at that before he dropped his gaze to the floor as well, looking a little bit embarrassed, “Thanks, Kurt.” He seemed to be considering something for a moment but, in the end, he shook his head, looking back up at Kurt, “I might take you up on that sometime.”
Kurt nodded, “Good. Well, I mean, not like good that you’d have things to vent about, but li-”
Sam cut him off with a small laugh, “I get it, Kurt,” he reassured, “Don’t worry about it.” He started towards the door, motioning for Kurt to follow, “We should probably go grab lunch with the others.”
Nodding at the suggestion, Kurt joined him in the hall and they walked towards the cafeteria together, idly chattering about the other performances until they sat down with the rest of the gleeks, tuning themselves into the conversation that was already in the works.
-x-x-x-
Kurt was just finishing off his nightly routine when he heard his phone vibrating against the dresser and he stood up, crossing the room and picking it up curiously - Mercedes knew better than to text him after 9:30 on a weeknight unless it was of the utmost importance. As it turned out, the name flashing on his screen wasn’t Mercedes’ - it was Sam’s. He opened it immediately, his eyes skimming over the short message as he returned to his vanity table.
“Think u can meet me b4 class 2mrow?” He cringed at the grammar, but didn’t bother to comment on it - he could tell what Sam was trying to say, and that was all that really mattered, he supposed.
“Yeah, absolutely. Where?” was what he finally sent back, trying to refrain from flat-out asking ‘are you okay?’ for fear of it seeming too pushy or presumptuous. He returned to applying his toner as he waited on a reply.
“Good. Theres s/t I think I wanna tell u. Um. Bleachers?”
Kurt stared at the text for a moment, not entirely sure what to think, but he shrugged it off - he’d told Sam that he could confide in him, after all. He smiled to himself at the realization that Sam was actually taking him up on the offer.
“Works for me! I have to go for now, though. Night, Sam xx.”
He didn’t even notice the ‘xx’ until after he’d hit send - it was just so reflexive to end a text conversation that way - and he really, really hoped that Sam wouldn’t read too much into it. Sighing, he headed to bed, calling out a goodnight to Finn who was just now coming down the stairs.