Drowning (4/?)
Title: Drowning (4/?)
Rating: M for Mature
Pairing: Kurt-centric, Sam/Kurt friendship, possibly pre-slash or more
Summary: With LGBT teen suicide at the front of people's minds, Emma decides to have a talk with Kurt. Will assigns the gleeks to find songs about hope or hopelessness.
Disclaimer: I am not making any profit from this, nor do I claim ownership of the characters or basic plot outline. I'm simply borrowing from Glee & its writers for the sake of creativity. Cut lyrics from It Gets Better (Jay Kuo, Blair Shepard & Broadway Sings For The Trevor Project).
Warnings: deals with issues of depression, suicide abd bullying; mentions of self-harm; use of derogatory and homophobic words/phrases/attitudes
Click for other chapters
Author's Notes/Extended Disclaimer: I wanted to comment on the fact that I feel extremely guilty for drawing from the events that gave me the idea for this story - I would much rather this story never exist than have the reality of these suicides. I know that this isn't a topic to be taken lightly. It just seemed to be an issue that would have some effect on Kurt, if Glee were truly to be happening in "real-time", and once the idea wormed it's way into my head, I couldn't make it go away. In the event that someone personally connected to any of the recent deaths - or, honestly, anyone who's dealt with suicide in some way during their lives - stumbles across this story, I am so sorry; I don't mean any disrespect, harm or offense.
That being said, I'd also like to emphasize that suicide isn't the answer. Please find help if you're feeling like it is. Please. Believe me - you matter, as does your life.
Narrowly avoiding a dumpster dive, Kurt headed towards the football field as soon as he arrived at the school; he spotted Sam near the top of the bleachers, talking with Quinn, and made his way up to them. He gave a small wave when Quinn noticed him and she nodded, turning back to Sam for a moment, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder as she made some final comment before standing up and making her way down the bleachers. They exchanged a brief ‘good morning’ as they passed each other, and Kurt set his bag on the bleacher below him once he reached Sam.
He greeted him brightly with a ‘hey!’ smiling encouragingly as he sat down next to the blond and asked, “How’s it going?”
Sam merely shrugged before turning in so that he was facing the smaller teen; Kurt couldn’t help but notice that he looked anxious. His eyes darted away for a moment as if he was deciding whether or not he could successfully bolt away without Kurt catching him. Eventually, his gaze settled on Kurt again and he forced a small smile, “Thanks for showing up.”
“Was there any doubt that I would?” he asked, raising an eyebrow - although he wasn’t really looking for an answer. “Anyway,” he said, dismissing his own question, “You’re welcome, I suppose. But you don’t really need to thank me,” he added with a smile and a shrug of his own.
Sam looked, for a moment, as if he was going to argue that, but decided not to and fell silent instead. The quiet hovered around them for a few minutes, and Kurt waited patiently until Sam finally broke the silence.
“My parents are getting a divorce,” he stated, his voice very matter-of-fact and to-the-point, “and it’s my fault.” His posture dropped a bit as he added, “That’s... not really what I meant about having something to tell you, though. It’s just...” he trailed off, swallowing hard and turning his gaze away from Kurt.
Kurt just gave him an encouraging smile, keeping his attention on the other teen, “It’s okay, Sam. Take your time.” He wasn’t entirely shocked by the news of the Evans’ impending divorce, but he couldn’t help being curious about how it was ‘Sam’s fault’ - Kurt figured that his friend had to be overreacting. Or, not overreacting, per se; Kurt understood that it was normal to turn to self-blame when things start to go wrong around you.
“The only reason they’re separating...” Sam resumed, refusing to meet Kurt’s eyes as he finally forced out the words, “is because I’m gay.” He tensed slightly - almost imperceptibly, - unsure of the kind of reaction Kurt was going to have to the news; after a long moment of silence, he finally chanced a look at the brunette again; the mix of emotions on his face was almost comical (although, the lack of genuine surprise was hardly encouraging).
Kurt couldn’t quite place the emotions that he felt in that moment. Forget the fact that he had someone he could relate to now, that he finally had real and undeniable proof sitting right next to him that other gay teens really did exist; this wasn’t about him - he could process those feelings and realizations later. The issue at hand right now was that... Sam was gay?
Sam Evans - gorgeous, sweet, dorky, I-don’t-dye-my-hair Samuel Evans was gay? He should be glad - and in a way, he supposed he was (okay, so maybe he was really glad, but there wasn’t really anything wrong with that, right?) - and he should probably have been surprised but, really, Kurt’s more surprised that he’d ever let himself be convinced otherwise. He’d known. He’d known right from the start, and had been made to believe that he was just projecting his wishes onto yet another unattainable straight boy.
Mostly, though, he was just... confused. Why was Sam’s sexuality such a deciding factor in his parents’ divorce? And why had Sam finally worked up the courage to tell him now?
After a long moment, he was able to shake himself out of his own mind and he returned his attention to Sam. “Putting everything that I really want to ask and tell you aside for a second, how exactly does this make it your fault that your parents are splitting up?” he asked, genuinely curious about Sam’s answer. He wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with the potential situation of Sam hating himself enough to be pinning the bad things in his life to the fact that he wasn’t straight, but he knew that he needed to ask. Besides, Sam didn’t seem too much like the self-loathing type.
Sam raised an eyebrow at the first half of Kurt’s response, but decided not to call him out on it just then. Still, he... wasn’t sure what to think of the other teen’s reaction. Obviously, he hadn’t expected Kurt to be disgusted or offended, but he’d expected something. He’d just told Kurt that he wasn’t the only gay kid in town - that he wasn’t alone anymore - and Kurt seemed to be breezing right over that part. Then again, maybe Kurt was just being considerate of the fact that it was Sam who’d wanted someone to talk to. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to deal with the revelation. He shook his head slightly, tuning himself back into the conversation.
“It’s... kind of a long story,” he admitted, his gaze falling to the ground again. “I don’t mind telling you, it’s just class starts kind of soon, so maybe some other time?” he didn’t look up, but Kurt could tell by the tone of his voice that he was being sincere. Pushing his bangs away from his eyes, he sighed, “Let’s just say... my mom hasn’t really been my biggest fan since she found out.” He closed his eyes, thinking back on how exactly his mother had found out... and everything that had happened afterwards. Yeah, she wasn’t anywhere near being his biggest fan anymore.
Kurt frowned at that, and reached out to set his hand on the blond’s shoulder; not knowing what else to say, he finally settled on, “I am... so sorry, Sam.” Despite all of the struggles that Kurt seemed to have with his father, he knew without a doubt that his father loved and supported him - and he knew that his mother would have been the same way, if not more supportive than his dad, had she still been alive. Moments like this reminded him of just how lucky he was. He simply nodded in response to Sam’s ‘thanks,’ unable to make himself say anything when Sam turned toward him with that heartbroken look in his eyes.
“Do you ever think your family might be better off without you?” Sam asked, his eyes seeming to search Kurt’s for something as he waited on a response. He really hoped that it wasn’t too intrusive of him to be asking that, and the sadness that flickered in Kurt’s eyes made him regret asking. He was about to tell him that he didn’t have to answer, that it wasn’t any of his business, but Kurt nodded, opening his mouth to speak, and Sam lost his nerve. The answering ‘yes’ was quiet, but Sam heard it clearly and his heart dropped a little - it was silly of him to have thought that Kurt was completely unshakeable. Of course he dealt with the same kinds of thoughts.
Seeing the way Sam’s shoulders fell, Kurt tried to amend his statement, not wanting to completely discourage the other teen. “I mean, it’s not something I feel all the time, you know?” he reasoned, an almost pleading look in his eyes as he met Sam’s gaze again, “It’s more like, well, sometimes something happens and I just... know that if I wasn’t here, or if I wasn’t the way that I am, it wouldn’t have.” He could still see the look on his father’s face when he’d told Kurt about that first hateful phone call that he’d received the year before, and no matter what anyone said, Kurt knew that it was his fault. That memory would always serve as a reminder that he only made his dad’s life harder.
Sam nodded only slightly, looking away again as they slipped back into another stretch of silence; a minute or two passed before Sam finally broke it. “They’re still in love, you know,” he explained, “That’s why I say it’s my fault. If I wasn’t... here, or if I wasn’t so fucking gay they wouldn’t be splitting up.” He didn’t notice how Kurt flinched at the way he’d said ‘gay’ - like it was something dirty and offensive, - nor did he notice that his hands had balled into fists until Kurt had covered one of them with his own. He forced himself to relax and glanced down at their hands, smiling slightly until he remembered where they were. As he pulled his hand away, he shot Kurt an apologetic look that was answered with a sad and understanding smile.
Kurt hated to admit it, but it broke his heart to hear Sam talk like that - of all the guys he knew, Sam was probably the person he’d thought was the least likely to use a tone like that. Oddly enough, it hurt worse knowing that Sam was directing it at himself, and not intentionally adding to the list of insults that Kurt faced so regularly.
“It isn’t your fault,” he whispered when Sam pulled away - sure, he didn’t know the entire situation, but he knew it wasn’t fair for Sam to put that kind of blame on himself. “Your mother is the one choosing to push her son away over something that can’t be changed,” he continued, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries by saying that.
“I wish I could change it,” he muttered darkly, regret filling his eyes immediately when he saw the slight tremble of Kurt’s bottom lip before the smaller teen had looked away. “Kurt, no,” he pleaded, gently grabbing onto Kurt’s arm to turn him around, only to have his hand carefully brushed off, “I didn’t mean... There is nothing wrong with being gay, Kurt; I know that. I just... I want my family back, I wanna see my dad smile again, I wanna... hug my mother again.” He sighed, frustrated with himself for having offended the one person who could even remotely relate to him on this level. “I’m not ashamed of who I am,” he mumbled, still looking at Kurt, “I’m just angry that it’s tearing my world apart.”
Kurt was still refusing to look at Sam, but he was listening and he could hear the sincerity in the other teen’s voice and it helped a little bit. “You’re just a kid, Sam,” he pointed out after a moment, “Which means that the only thing you’re really responsible for is being yourself, and, as a parent, it’s your mom’s job to love and support you, no matter what.” He tried as hard as he could to disguise the emotions in his voice - Sam didn’t need to know how painful the memory he was drawing on was, didn’t need to know that Kurt was simply paraphrasing words that he’d once needed to hear as well. Turning back around, he made sure to look Sam in the eyes as he concluded, “If she can’t do that... then that’s her fault, not yours.”
The first-period warning bell chose that moment to go off, and Kurt sighed to himself when, as if on cue, Mercedes popped up near the bottom of the bleachers. “We should probably get to class,” he mused after a moment before slowly standing up. He glanced back down at Sam as he picked up his bag, smiling as he added, “Thank you for trusting me, Sam. I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
Shaking his head slightly, Sam lifted his hand to shade his eyes from the sun as he looked at Kurt, “Naw, man. Thank you, I really appreciate you listening to me bitch and whine.” He chuckled slightly, giving a self-depreciating smile, “And I really am sorry if I offended you or anything, I wasn’t trying to.”
Kurt just shrugged at that and mumbled a reassuring ‘I know,’ before rolling his eyes when Mercedes hollered up at him that they were going to be late if he didn’t get his act in gear. “Women are so demanding,” he joked, grinning a bit as he started to turn away, “See you around, Sam.”
“Kurt.”
Reaching out, Sam gently caught the other teen by his wrist, holding on firmly just in case Kurt tried to keep walking, “Do you think...” He paused, finally letting go once he was sure that the other boy wasn’t going anywhere, “Could we talk more after school?”
“You have football today,” he reminded, his smile softening at Sam’s disappointed look, “And we’ve got Glee tomorrow, but, Saturday?” he suggested, adjusting his messenger bag over his shoulder.
Sam’s entire demeanour seemed to brighten at that, a genuine smile spreading across his face as he nodded, “Saturday sounds great.” He finally stood up as well, grabbing his gym bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “Catch you later, then,” he said, flashing Kurt a heart-melting smile before descending the bleachers and heading into the school.
Grinning to himself, Kurt made his way down to where Mercedes was waiting for him; avoiding her curious gaze, he linked arms with her and they walked towards the school together. He shook off all of her questions until she finally gave up and moved on to another topic and, honestly, after the morning’s revelations, he was grateful for the light, more-or-less meaningless conversation. He couldn’t help being a bit disappointed when they had to part ways for first period.
Once he was alone, without any distractions, he couldn’t stop his mind from going over his conversation with Sam - and it was then that it really hit him. Sam was gay. For once in his life, he had a crush that might actually be attainable. Sure, Sam hadn’t specifically mentioned having feelings for him or anything like that, but he had trusted Kurt enough to tell him such a big secret. For the moment, that was enough for Kurt - and even knowing that it didn’t ensure him a relationship, he couldn’t stop smiling at the fact that there was finally a chance that he wouldn’t have to spend his entire high school career alone.
Despite knowing that he shouldn’t, Kurt let himself spent the rest of the day revisiting most of his original feelings towards Sam. He knew that doing anything to risk their friendship would be a bad move, but he was allowed to dream, right? Besides, whether Sam returned his feelings or not, he wasn’t going to make them same mistakes he’d made around Finn - he’d learned from that whole scenario, he really had. And that was why he was trying his best not to do something stupid like get his hopes up about Saturday; as happy as he was about this turn of events, he knew that he needed to look after his heart this time. He was, after all, still piecing it back together from when Finn had broken it.
The bubble of happiness that he'd spent the day in burst around him as he left last period and pulled to a silent stop in front of his locker, his face paling slightly as his gaze fell on the black marker that had been scrawled across it. It was hardly the first time he’d had his locker defaced with a word like ‘fag’ - but did it really have to happen right then? Was the universe really so against him that it couldn’t allow him to have just one good day? He did his best to quickly collect himself, and stepped closer to his locker before reaching out to tear down the paper that had been taped underneath the slur. The smart thing to do would’ve been to throw it out without sparing it a second glance, but he opened it anyway, revealing a newspaper article about suicide amongst gay youth. Written over it in the same ink that had damaged his locker were the words “take a hint, fairy,” and Kurt had to fight a little harder than he usually did to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes.
He crushed the note in his hand, shoving it into his bag and wiping his eyes on the back of his hand when he heard someone call his name, before he distracted himself with opening his locker. He was still unloading his textbooks when Finn and Sam reached him; he couldn’t help rolling his eyes when he realized that they were arguing over which football teams they’d rather play for someday.
“You two might want to work at redeeming the school’s team before you set your sights on the big leagues,” he pointed out, closing his locker with a bit more force than he’d meant to. Distracted by the note, the writing on his locker seemed so mundane that it had slipped his mind, so he raised an eyebrow in surprise at the anger that flickered across the other boys’ features. He was about to call them out on overreacting to his comment, but Finn’s voice cut him off.
“What the Hell?” he demanded, his gaze passing from the locker to Kurt’s face and then back again. “I swear to God, if you know who did it, I’ll punch their lights out,” he offered, the anger still apparent in his eyes; it softened a little at the sound of Kurt’s tired sigh.
Keeping his gaze determinedly away from Sam, Kurt waved his hand dismissively, “It’s fine, Finn.” When the other teen just looked at him skeptically, he added, “Really, don’t worry about it.” He turned away, heading towards the doors, “Now get going, or you’ll be late for practise and have to run extra laps.”
He hadn’t even made it to his car before he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and he pulled it out, smiling slightly when he saw Sam’s name on the screen. His smile only widened when he opened the text to find a message reading, “U sure ur ok?” He was so touched by Sam's need to check in on him that he couldn't even bring himself to be too bothered by the other teen's texting habits - but someday, he'd teach Sam how to text like an intelligent being. Really. He would.
He paused at his car, typing out a quick response of, “I’m sure, Sam. Promise,” and hitting send, before he unlocked the car and got inside. It wasn’t entirely untrue - he really didn’t care that much about the locker (he’d had worse spray painted on it before), and as far as Finn and Sam were concerned, that was all that had happened.
That was how Kurt justified his promise, anyway.
Rating: M for Mature
Pairing: Kurt-centric, Sam/Kurt friendship, possibly pre-slash or more
Summary: With LGBT teen suicide at the front of people's minds, Emma decides to have a talk with Kurt. Will assigns the gleeks to find songs about hope or hopelessness.
Disclaimer: I am not making any profit from this, nor do I claim ownership of the characters or basic plot outline. I'm simply borrowing from Glee & its writers for the sake of creativity. Cut lyrics from It Gets Better (Jay Kuo, Blair Shepard & Broadway Sings For The Trevor Project).
Warnings: deals with issues of depression, suicide abd bullying; mentions of self-harm; use of derogatory and homophobic words/phrases/attitudes
Click for other chapters
Author's Notes/Extended Disclaimer: I wanted to comment on the fact that I feel extremely guilty for drawing from the events that gave me the idea for this story - I would much rather this story never exist than have the reality of these suicides. I know that this isn't a topic to be taken lightly. It just seemed to be an issue that would have some effect on Kurt, if Glee were truly to be happening in "real-time", and once the idea wormed it's way into my head, I couldn't make it go away. In the event that someone personally connected to any of the recent deaths - or, honestly, anyone who's dealt with suicide in some way during their lives - stumbles across this story, I am so sorry; I don't mean any disrespect, harm or offense.
That being said, I'd also like to emphasize that suicide isn't the answer. Please find help if you're feeling like it is. Please. Believe me - you matter, as does your life.
Narrowly avoiding a dumpster dive, Kurt headed towards the football field as soon as he arrived at the school; he spotted Sam near the top of the bleachers, talking with Quinn, and made his way up to them. He gave a small wave when Quinn noticed him and she nodded, turning back to Sam for a moment, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder as she made some final comment before standing up and making her way down the bleachers. They exchanged a brief ‘good morning’ as they passed each other, and Kurt set his bag on the bleacher below him once he reached Sam.
He greeted him brightly with a ‘hey!’ smiling encouragingly as he sat down next to the blond and asked, “How’s it going?”
Sam merely shrugged before turning in so that he was facing the smaller teen; Kurt couldn’t help but notice that he looked anxious. His eyes darted away for a moment as if he was deciding whether or not he could successfully bolt away without Kurt catching him. Eventually, his gaze settled on Kurt again and he forced a small smile, “Thanks for showing up.”
“Was there any doubt that I would?” he asked, raising an eyebrow - although he wasn’t really looking for an answer. “Anyway,” he said, dismissing his own question, “You’re welcome, I suppose. But you don’t really need to thank me,” he added with a smile and a shrug of his own.
Sam looked, for a moment, as if he was going to argue that, but decided not to and fell silent instead. The quiet hovered around them for a few minutes, and Kurt waited patiently until Sam finally broke the silence.
“My parents are getting a divorce,” he stated, his voice very matter-of-fact and to-the-point, “and it’s my fault.” His posture dropped a bit as he added, “That’s... not really what I meant about having something to tell you, though. It’s just...” he trailed off, swallowing hard and turning his gaze away from Kurt.
Kurt just gave him an encouraging smile, keeping his attention on the other teen, “It’s okay, Sam. Take your time.” He wasn’t entirely shocked by the news of the Evans’ impending divorce, but he couldn’t help being curious about how it was ‘Sam’s fault’ - Kurt figured that his friend had to be overreacting. Or, not overreacting, per se; Kurt understood that it was normal to turn to self-blame when things start to go wrong around you.
“The only reason they’re separating...” Sam resumed, refusing to meet Kurt’s eyes as he finally forced out the words, “is because I’m gay.” He tensed slightly - almost imperceptibly, - unsure of the kind of reaction Kurt was going to have to the news; after a long moment of silence, he finally chanced a look at the brunette again; the mix of emotions on his face was almost comical (although, the lack of genuine surprise was hardly encouraging).
Kurt couldn’t quite place the emotions that he felt in that moment. Forget the fact that he had someone he could relate to now, that he finally had real and undeniable proof sitting right next to him that other gay teens really did exist; this wasn’t about him - he could process those feelings and realizations later. The issue at hand right now was that... Sam was gay?
Sam Evans - gorgeous, sweet, dorky, I-don’t-dye-my-hair Samuel Evans was gay? He should be glad - and in a way, he supposed he was (okay, so maybe he was really glad, but there wasn’t really anything wrong with that, right?) - and he should probably have been surprised but, really, Kurt’s more surprised that he’d ever let himself be convinced otherwise. He’d known. He’d known right from the start, and had been made to believe that he was just projecting his wishes onto yet another unattainable straight boy.
Mostly, though, he was just... confused. Why was Sam’s sexuality such a deciding factor in his parents’ divorce? And why had Sam finally worked up the courage to tell him now?
After a long moment, he was able to shake himself out of his own mind and he returned his attention to Sam. “Putting everything that I really want to ask and tell you aside for a second, how exactly does this make it your fault that your parents are splitting up?” he asked, genuinely curious about Sam’s answer. He wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with the potential situation of Sam hating himself enough to be pinning the bad things in his life to the fact that he wasn’t straight, but he knew that he needed to ask. Besides, Sam didn’t seem too much like the self-loathing type.
Sam raised an eyebrow at the first half of Kurt’s response, but decided not to call him out on it just then. Still, he... wasn’t sure what to think of the other teen’s reaction. Obviously, he hadn’t expected Kurt to be disgusted or offended, but he’d expected something. He’d just told Kurt that he wasn’t the only gay kid in town - that he wasn’t alone anymore - and Kurt seemed to be breezing right over that part. Then again, maybe Kurt was just being considerate of the fact that it was Sam who’d wanted someone to talk to. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to deal with the revelation. He shook his head slightly, tuning himself back into the conversation.
“It’s... kind of a long story,” he admitted, his gaze falling to the ground again. “I don’t mind telling you, it’s just class starts kind of soon, so maybe some other time?” he didn’t look up, but Kurt could tell by the tone of his voice that he was being sincere. Pushing his bangs away from his eyes, he sighed, “Let’s just say... my mom hasn’t really been my biggest fan since she found out.” He closed his eyes, thinking back on how exactly his mother had found out... and everything that had happened afterwards. Yeah, she wasn’t anywhere near being his biggest fan anymore.
Kurt frowned at that, and reached out to set his hand on the blond’s shoulder; not knowing what else to say, he finally settled on, “I am... so sorry, Sam.” Despite all of the struggles that Kurt seemed to have with his father, he knew without a doubt that his father loved and supported him - and he knew that his mother would have been the same way, if not more supportive than his dad, had she still been alive. Moments like this reminded him of just how lucky he was. He simply nodded in response to Sam’s ‘thanks,’ unable to make himself say anything when Sam turned toward him with that heartbroken look in his eyes.
“Do you ever think your family might be better off without you?” Sam asked, his eyes seeming to search Kurt’s for something as he waited on a response. He really hoped that it wasn’t too intrusive of him to be asking that, and the sadness that flickered in Kurt’s eyes made him regret asking. He was about to tell him that he didn’t have to answer, that it wasn’t any of his business, but Kurt nodded, opening his mouth to speak, and Sam lost his nerve. The answering ‘yes’ was quiet, but Sam heard it clearly and his heart dropped a little - it was silly of him to have thought that Kurt was completely unshakeable. Of course he dealt with the same kinds of thoughts.
Seeing the way Sam’s shoulders fell, Kurt tried to amend his statement, not wanting to completely discourage the other teen. “I mean, it’s not something I feel all the time, you know?” he reasoned, an almost pleading look in his eyes as he met Sam’s gaze again, “It’s more like, well, sometimes something happens and I just... know that if I wasn’t here, or if I wasn’t the way that I am, it wouldn’t have.” He could still see the look on his father’s face when he’d told Kurt about that first hateful phone call that he’d received the year before, and no matter what anyone said, Kurt knew that it was his fault. That memory would always serve as a reminder that he only made his dad’s life harder.
Sam nodded only slightly, looking away again as they slipped back into another stretch of silence; a minute or two passed before Sam finally broke it. “They’re still in love, you know,” he explained, “That’s why I say it’s my fault. If I wasn’t... here, or if I wasn’t so fucking gay they wouldn’t be splitting up.” He didn’t notice how Kurt flinched at the way he’d said ‘gay’ - like it was something dirty and offensive, - nor did he notice that his hands had balled into fists until Kurt had covered one of them with his own. He forced himself to relax and glanced down at their hands, smiling slightly until he remembered where they were. As he pulled his hand away, he shot Kurt an apologetic look that was answered with a sad and understanding smile.
Kurt hated to admit it, but it broke his heart to hear Sam talk like that - of all the guys he knew, Sam was probably the person he’d thought was the least likely to use a tone like that. Oddly enough, it hurt worse knowing that Sam was directing it at himself, and not intentionally adding to the list of insults that Kurt faced so regularly.
“It isn’t your fault,” he whispered when Sam pulled away - sure, he didn’t know the entire situation, but he knew it wasn’t fair for Sam to put that kind of blame on himself. “Your mother is the one choosing to push her son away over something that can’t be changed,” he continued, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries by saying that.
“I wish I could change it,” he muttered darkly, regret filling his eyes immediately when he saw the slight tremble of Kurt’s bottom lip before the smaller teen had looked away. “Kurt, no,” he pleaded, gently grabbing onto Kurt’s arm to turn him around, only to have his hand carefully brushed off, “I didn’t mean... There is nothing wrong with being gay, Kurt; I know that. I just... I want my family back, I wanna see my dad smile again, I wanna... hug my mother again.” He sighed, frustrated with himself for having offended the one person who could even remotely relate to him on this level. “I’m not ashamed of who I am,” he mumbled, still looking at Kurt, “I’m just angry that it’s tearing my world apart.”
Kurt was still refusing to look at Sam, but he was listening and he could hear the sincerity in the other teen’s voice and it helped a little bit. “You’re just a kid, Sam,” he pointed out after a moment, “Which means that the only thing you’re really responsible for is being yourself, and, as a parent, it’s your mom’s job to love and support you, no matter what.” He tried as hard as he could to disguise the emotions in his voice - Sam didn’t need to know how painful the memory he was drawing on was, didn’t need to know that Kurt was simply paraphrasing words that he’d once needed to hear as well. Turning back around, he made sure to look Sam in the eyes as he concluded, “If she can’t do that... then that’s her fault, not yours.”
The first-period warning bell chose that moment to go off, and Kurt sighed to himself when, as if on cue, Mercedes popped up near the bottom of the bleachers. “We should probably get to class,” he mused after a moment before slowly standing up. He glanced back down at Sam as he picked up his bag, smiling as he added, “Thank you for trusting me, Sam. I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
Shaking his head slightly, Sam lifted his hand to shade his eyes from the sun as he looked at Kurt, “Naw, man. Thank you, I really appreciate you listening to me bitch and whine.” He chuckled slightly, giving a self-depreciating smile, “And I really am sorry if I offended you or anything, I wasn’t trying to.”
Kurt just shrugged at that and mumbled a reassuring ‘I know,’ before rolling his eyes when Mercedes hollered up at him that they were going to be late if he didn’t get his act in gear. “Women are so demanding,” he joked, grinning a bit as he started to turn away, “See you around, Sam.”
“Kurt.”
Reaching out, Sam gently caught the other teen by his wrist, holding on firmly just in case Kurt tried to keep walking, “Do you think...” He paused, finally letting go once he was sure that the other boy wasn’t going anywhere, “Could we talk more after school?”
“You have football today,” he reminded, his smile softening at Sam’s disappointed look, “And we’ve got Glee tomorrow, but, Saturday?” he suggested, adjusting his messenger bag over his shoulder.
Sam’s entire demeanour seemed to brighten at that, a genuine smile spreading across his face as he nodded, “Saturday sounds great.” He finally stood up as well, grabbing his gym bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “Catch you later, then,” he said, flashing Kurt a heart-melting smile before descending the bleachers and heading into the school.
Grinning to himself, Kurt made his way down to where Mercedes was waiting for him; avoiding her curious gaze, he linked arms with her and they walked towards the school together. He shook off all of her questions until she finally gave up and moved on to another topic and, honestly, after the morning’s revelations, he was grateful for the light, more-or-less meaningless conversation. He couldn’t help being a bit disappointed when they had to part ways for first period.
Once he was alone, without any distractions, he couldn’t stop his mind from going over his conversation with Sam - and it was then that it really hit him. Sam was gay. For once in his life, he had a crush that might actually be attainable. Sure, Sam hadn’t specifically mentioned having feelings for him or anything like that, but he had trusted Kurt enough to tell him such a big secret. For the moment, that was enough for Kurt - and even knowing that it didn’t ensure him a relationship, he couldn’t stop smiling at the fact that there was finally a chance that he wouldn’t have to spend his entire high school career alone.
Despite knowing that he shouldn’t, Kurt let himself spent the rest of the day revisiting most of his original feelings towards Sam. He knew that doing anything to risk their friendship would be a bad move, but he was allowed to dream, right? Besides, whether Sam returned his feelings or not, he wasn’t going to make them same mistakes he’d made around Finn - he’d learned from that whole scenario, he really had. And that was why he was trying his best not to do something stupid like get his hopes up about Saturday; as happy as he was about this turn of events, he knew that he needed to look after his heart this time. He was, after all, still piecing it back together from when Finn had broken it.
The bubble of happiness that he'd spent the day in burst around him as he left last period and pulled to a silent stop in front of his locker, his face paling slightly as his gaze fell on the black marker that had been scrawled across it. It was hardly the first time he’d had his locker defaced with a word like ‘fag’ - but did it really have to happen right then? Was the universe really so against him that it couldn’t allow him to have just one good day? He did his best to quickly collect himself, and stepped closer to his locker before reaching out to tear down the paper that had been taped underneath the slur. The smart thing to do would’ve been to throw it out without sparing it a second glance, but he opened it anyway, revealing a newspaper article about suicide amongst gay youth. Written over it in the same ink that had damaged his locker were the words “take a hint, fairy,” and Kurt had to fight a little harder than he usually did to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes.
He crushed the note in his hand, shoving it into his bag and wiping his eyes on the back of his hand when he heard someone call his name, before he distracted himself with opening his locker. He was still unloading his textbooks when Finn and Sam reached him; he couldn’t help rolling his eyes when he realized that they were arguing over which football teams they’d rather play for someday.
“You two might want to work at redeeming the school’s team before you set your sights on the big leagues,” he pointed out, closing his locker with a bit more force than he’d meant to. Distracted by the note, the writing on his locker seemed so mundane that it had slipped his mind, so he raised an eyebrow in surprise at the anger that flickered across the other boys’ features. He was about to call them out on overreacting to his comment, but Finn’s voice cut him off.
“What the Hell?” he demanded, his gaze passing from the locker to Kurt’s face and then back again. “I swear to God, if you know who did it, I’ll punch their lights out,” he offered, the anger still apparent in his eyes; it softened a little at the sound of Kurt’s tired sigh.
Keeping his gaze determinedly away from Sam, Kurt waved his hand dismissively, “It’s fine, Finn.” When the other teen just looked at him skeptically, he added, “Really, don’t worry about it.” He turned away, heading towards the doors, “Now get going, or you’ll be late for practise and have to run extra laps.”
He hadn’t even made it to his car before he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and he pulled it out, smiling slightly when he saw Sam’s name on the screen. His smile only widened when he opened the text to find a message reading, “U sure ur ok?” He was so touched by Sam's need to check in on him that he couldn't even bring himself to be too bothered by the other teen's texting habits - but someday, he'd teach Sam how to text like an intelligent being. Really. He would.
He paused at his car, typing out a quick response of, “I’m sure, Sam. Promise,” and hitting send, before he unlocked the car and got inside. It wasn’t entirely untrue - he really didn’t care that much about the locker (he’d had worse spray painted on it before), and as far as Finn and Sam were concerned, that was all that had happened.
That was how Kurt justified his promise, anyway.