Fanfic: Different
Title: Different
Fandom: EXO
Rating: G
Characters/pairings: Ninja/implied KrisYeol
Wordcount: 2222
^ that. Also, it would be nice to sometimes actually write 500 words when I plan to write 500 words, instead of like four times that.
Anyways, this is again for my Chanyeol-imnida ~!
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Kris knows how Chanyeol appears careless and easy-going, and it is true, he usually is.
But of course, Chanyeol is human; Chanyeol has moments when he is miserable and confused and scared. It doesn’t happen often, and not many people get to experience Chanyeol with anything less than an overwhelming grin. Kris has. More than once. More than twice.
He sees it now, too. More or less, anyway; Chanyeol is quite literally kept in the dark, brown curls and pale complexion only visible as ghostly shadows in the black room. Kris stands in the doorway, and the light from the hallway behind him creates a faint glow over Chanyeol’s form. He is quiet, still, as he sits on his bed with his hands idly in his lap and eyes only staring blankly ahead. Doesn’t even stir when Kris opens the door. Doesn’t make a sound.
Kris just stands there kind of awkwardly at first; he has a purpose, yes, but the situation is not familiar and more than a little unsettling, so even he is unsure of how to proceed. What to say. Do. It’s never a problem with Chanyeol, because Chanyeol means energy and spirit. He’s always all over the place, and Kris can just lean back and watch, enjoy the show.
Not today.
Today, it’s Kris’s turn, because Chanyeol is all quiet and still in the darkness. Trying to squint a little, maybe. Blinking. Ignoring Kris.
Kris doesn’t like this change.
In fact, he loathes it.
He opens his mouth, wanting to speak, but then again, what should he say? He doesn’t know a thing. He doesn’t really understand, either. He has always been bad at putting himself in others’ place. And of course, of all people, this is Chanyeol.
He closes his mouth again.
Chanyeol still doesn’t acknowledge him. Kris is sort of subconsciously amazed at the patience he never thought Chanyeol possessed. Funny how people change… How things can change a person.
And yet it was such a thing.
Kris does find it a bit odd, and even if he won’t admit it, even to himself (the mere thought of the thought repulses him), maybe Chanyeol is overreacting. Maybe? Bothersome, yes, a bit scary, of course, not to mention painful… But Kris never thought the operation - after effects of it, in any case - could be this bad on Chanyeol.
Happy, bubbly Chanyeol.
Precious Chanyeol.
But then again, Kris was - is - terrible at putting himself inside the heads of other people. It’s sadly not one of his talents.
Today, he would trade linguistics, rapping, modeling, anything for that particular ability.
If Chanyeol is aware of Kris’s inner turmoil, he doesn’t comment upon it. Doesn’t react to it. Doesn’t react to anything, actually, and Kris really just wants to go away and ignore the situation in its entirety.
Of course, he can’t. It’s Chanyeol.
“Chanyeol…” Kris is a clumsy speaker. Chanyeol doesn’t poke fun at it.
Kris isn’t sure if Chanyeol is deliberately ignoring him anymore or if he’s just too lost in his own world to react. He’s blinking more furiously now, as if trying to repel something caught in a corner. Squinting his eyes together, hard. Popping them open again, trying to move them around the room again. Then they are pressed shut again. Repeat of the process.
Kris notices the slight tremble of lips before Chanyeol probably does himself. He sees the moist gather, maybe from the abusive blinking, maybe from something else. Maybe both.
He hates how all he can do is to just linger in the doorway, watching, trying to come up with something intelligible, less awkward. The weak light still illuminates Chanyeol somewhat, and Kris wonders if he notices. Probably ignores it.
“Yixing made dessert.” The sky is blue. Ice is cold. Sehun has a lisp.
Chanyeol doesn’t poke fun at it.
“I thought you might…” Kris trails off. Shit, shit, shit. Why can’t he deal with this? He can handle angry members, homesick members, sad members, hurt members… He’s always been able to work around it.
But of course, this is Chanyeol.
Who is he kidding.
“Chanyeol.” He says it a bit more forcefully this time. More like a statement and less like an inquiry. He closes the door behind him, hesitates a bit as the room goes from slightly grey to pitch black. It takes a couple of seconds (seven) before he is able to make out Chanyeol’s form again, the bed, the basic structure of the room.
Too long, but still relatively short compared to…
Kris sits down on the bed next to Chanyeol.
Chanyeol turns his head a little, though Kris didn’t catch if it was towards him or the other way. It should matter, but Kris thinks it doesn’t. He sighs softly, and stares at Chanyeol’s profile with sadness. It’s so different from his usual attitude, it’s almost chilling. Kris doesn’t like this side of Chanyeol, not at all. Mostly, he doesn’t like the pain marking every one of Chanyeol’s perky features. The slight frown he wears, not the same as accompanies his pouts, crinkled corners of his mouth, limp neck…
But of course, the worst is his eyes.
And right now, Chanyeol probably hates them more than Kris does.
Kris hates them for unabashedly broadcasting Chanyeol’s depressive mood, highlighting his suffering and making it too obvious to ignore. He hates seeing that in Chanyeol, it haunts him, just like the overwhelming resigned shine that is so, so far from the beloved mischievous glint.
Chanyeol hates them for being the cause of his pain.
Chanyeol.
He is definitely ignoring Kris.
Kris doesn’t think that quite works.
He’s given up on the talking part, for now, anyway. He is the cool and confident Kris Wu, but when it comes to Chanyeol, Kris is terrified, and he really doesn’t want to mess up. He doesn’t want to say the wrong thing, upset the already fragile-minded boy even more, because that is definitely not what Chanyeol needs right now.
Chanyeol needs comfort, support, love. Things Kris is awkward enough with before a coin is tossed, but now he doesn’t want to tread wrongly on the unfamiliar path.
Carefully, slowly, he brings his arm up behind Chanyeol’s back and places it on the younger’s shoulder. Pulls him close, gently, and rubs soothingly through the thick sweater. He doesn’t say a word, doesn’t trust himself to - but he finds that he doesn’t want to either.
Chanyeol is tense at first, Kris can feel it. He has been sitting upright, stiff for too long, and the friendly touch is suddenly foreign. But it feels undeniably good of course, and Chanyeol’s blinking slows until it stops completely. Kris’s thumb is still moving with natural ease.
And then Chanyeol instinctively lets his head fall to rest on Kris’s shoulder, and Kris feels his own cheek rubbing against soft hair. It’s not an unfamiliar position, at last, something Kris recognizes. Somewhat, at least - it’s still not good.
Chanyeol is still not happy.
But it helps, Kris thinks to himself, and even if it’s not much, it’s still worth it.
“Hyung…” Chanyeol mumbles, quietly, and Kris’s startles a little in surprise. Chanyeol’s voice is just like the rest of him, crumpled, defeated, vulnerable. Kris tightens his grip only a little as he hums in response.
“I’m sorry, but I just…” Chanyeol pauses and breathes in deeply. Kris waits patiently until the younger speaks again. “It just hurts, hyung.”
“I know, Chanyeol.” It’s sort of true. He knows that Chanyeol is in pain, he just doesn’t know exactly how much, he doesn’t understand what kind of pain, he doesn’t really grasp it. But it takes its toll on Chanyeol, so it must be bad. Worse. “It’ll be okay. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not,” Chanyeol - sniffles? “It’s not my fault I can’t - couldn’t… Can’t see properly. Why…?”
“It’s just how it is,” Kris admits sadly. He’d been against the whole thing, even when Chanyeol himself seriously considered it. Needless to say, the Korean regrets agreeing at the moment. “It’ll be over soon.”
“But it hurts, hyung!” Chanyeol says quietly, frustration and desperation blending together in his voice. Kris thinks it’s almost freaky how the deep tone still sound so much like a neglected child. “And today, I just… It was horrible, I was scared, and it hurt, and they just kept… Hyung, please don’t make me do it again!”
Kris frowns in regret as he hears Chanyeol’s rather pitiful plea. The event today - of course it was a stupid idea to bring Chanyeol along. Fresh out of the hospital, he couldn’t even walk the stairs by himself. He saw nothing, and was advised rest, dark rooms or at least dark glasses when going outside. The remaining stings from the operation were only agitated further by light, and the reporters with their blitzing cameras…
Chanyeol had been so optimistic before it all, he had only been a little tired in the van, his eyes ached a bit, but otherwise, he had been fine. Everything had been fine, even Kris had to grudgingly admit it.
Then came the flashes. Light, light, light, and Kris could just feel Chanyeol tensing up next to him immediately, and he discreetly moved to take the younger’s hand. Immediately, Chanyeol had grabbed his hand in a deathgrip, moving closer to Kris until their bodies almost touched, and Kris saw. Chanyeol was scared, in pain, and there was nothing to do about it. He could do nothing.
Instead, he had to settle for comforting squeezes and a guiding arm whenever they moved an inch.
He hated it.
But now… No, it cannot occur to him to even let Chanyeol out there again, no matter what he says.
“Don’t worry,” he assures the younger. “I won’t let anyone hurt you more.”
“Bold promise.”
Kris smiles. A trace of his precious Chanyeol.
“I’ll keep it,” he states. “You’re staying here until your eyes are cleared. No reporters or sunlight or fluorescence or anything like that. ”
“But hyung…” Chanyeol’s voice is weak and quiet again. “What if they don’t ever… What if I can’t ever see light again?”
The question, innocent but simultaneously heartbreaking in nature, takes Kris off guard. He grows quiet for a moment and tries to glance down at Chanyeol’s face, but a mass of brown hair obscures his vision. It doesn’t, however, hinder the wetness falling on Kris’s shirt.
“Of course you will, Chanyeol,” he says as convincingly as he can, because really, the surgery was completely standard, clean procedure and declared successful. There’s really no doubt about it. Chanyeol sees it differently, of course. “It just takes some time.”
“But the flashes, they just…” Chanyeol huffs impatiently as he searches for the word. “I don’t know, they were so sudden, and it’s like… Each one tore at my eyeballs, sort of, and oh god, hyung, it hurt so bad. And then what little I could see just, kind of disappeared, and… I thought I went blind, really really blind, hyung.”
“It was wrong to take you there,” Kris says and nuzzles Chanyeol’s hair a little. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know - “
“It’s not hyung’s fault,” Chanyeol interjects quickly. “You couldn’t have known. It’s not like it was your call or anything, either.”
“I’m still sorry that you had to experience that,” the Chinese says, he means it. There are some things that just don’t get better with time, and the fact that Kris didn’t stop this is one of them. “But it will get better. What about now, does it hurt? Can you see?"
“Not much,” Chanyeol admits miserably. “It doesn’t hurt too bad… It’s just sort of a dull ache by now. But I don’t really see much, everything’s dark.”
“Your room is dark. I can’t see a thing in here.” And when Chanyeol chuckles a little at the statement, Kris is a bit happier than when he came in.
“True, true.”
The room then falls silent again, but it is more of a comfortable silence this time. Kris doesn’t linger awkwardly in the doorway, and Chanyeol isn’t sulking in his own little world anymore.
Instead, they’re both quite satisfied with the arrangement; Chanyeol leaning on Kris’s shoulder, Kris’s head leaning on Chanyeol’s. The younger has taken Kris’s remaining hand and sort of plays with it, idly, in an act of fondness. Kris realizes that Chanyeol doesn’t really see what he does, he just busies his hands with something as they enjoy the atmosphere together.
Kris knows that Chanyeol still hurts, a little. And he doesn’t like it.
But the great thing about Chanyeol is that even when things go wrong, he smiles like an idiot and persevere. Kris has always liked that. So he doesn’t like it when something is too wrong, even for Chanyeol. It’s nothing short of unsettling.
Mostly because Kris doesn’t know how to handle Chanyeol when he’s not being Chanyeol. He’s used to the other members feeling down, and he’s no stranger to the role of comforter. But it is different with Chanyeol; always different with Chanyeol. Chanyeol is always different.
Maybe it’s for the best that way, after all.
Because some days, Kris needs to be on the other side, too. Then it’s good to have Chanyeol. Because Chanyeol is always different.
Chanyeol.
Kris is always the same.
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Why I no be able to write endings at 4AM.
